To Every Boy I've Loved Liked 

1 - Few words, no physical interaction, but 6 months means something...right?

2 - Our relationship was formed by peer pressure and hormones.

3 & 6 - Did we like each other or was it just desperate times?

4 - I was a bitch, but you were a creep. 

5 - I wasted three years on you, but I hope my best friend makes you happy.

3 & 6 - It was fun while it lasted, but I had to wake up. 

7 - I still love you. Even though your ego is bigger than your heart. 

8 - I tried to help you, but I couldn't even help myself. 

9 - I still can't decide if I was too much or if you were too lazy. 

10 - You are my Neverland.

We Are The Lost Boys

We are the lost boys.

Unaccepted.

Forgotten.

Trying to help each other when we can't even help ourselves.

But darling we have Neverland.

We have our misfit family.

We walk through those doors like it's our second star to the right.

The pressure of the outside world dissipates just enough for us to figure out who we are.

Not just who they want us to be.

Pixie dust is your breath of fresh air,

And honey you are mine.

We are the lost boys,

And we don't have to think about the future.

So live with me today.

Soon I have to leave Neverland.

I'll have to leave you.

So please ignore the tears I shed towards the world to come.

Baby fly over the city with me.

Let's fly into the stars and get lost.

Like the way I feel when I look into your eyes for too long.

We are the lost boys,

And I hope we are never found.

To Slender Auditore

I went through all your posts and picked out my favorite lines from each of them. Thank you for sharing your writing.

"i'll be able to have a good experience and be able to make you readers laugh and cry, but not at the same time. "

"But alas the curtain has closed on my wishful heart."

"We all have hats that we put on in order to feel accepted."

"That the difference between pain and love is time."

"Give Back The Dream Filled Eyes of Adventure!"

"Think differently with your life."

"I can break a person with no caliber."

"I JUST WANT TO CRY!!!"

"but even family members get busy."

"I believe that I have a heart, but all I hear is something ticking."

"If I fall than I fall freely."

"I took care of your tears when I could"

"Let me make you a mixtape."

"What would you do if I was no longer here?"

"You question why they are helping you."

"I want to see the world alive again, not just people"

"I'm terrified that after awhile sadly i'll finally see the blood covered bones of my hands."

"Make sure that you have a friend who is willing to be a child once more."

"The snap of his neck is deeply satisfying."

"I've been bottling it up all my life."

"that wonderful idiot known as out hearts."

"Get over it."

"I got lost in the back of my mind."

"We are never the sambas the day before, and we'll never be the same again either."

"Imagine you faint with love, simple, hopeless, a breath of fresh air."

I know this isn't much but this goes with a present I'm giving you tomorrow. I would post a picture, but eh a surprise is better haha.

Black Out

 Chicago

Release me. I want to prevail.

Me

I am flesh and blood. I am real.

The Truth

I still long for you.

What I'm Told. What I Believe.

 Shrinking. Compared. Losing. Headed to poverty. It's a statistic. A reality we can avoid.

When I Talk To Myself

Surprise. We have nobody.

Love Story

 Standing in the bus. I reached out to her.

Broken

Two sisters tried to strangle their mom. Home left.

You

 I wrote a letter to his hollow eyes.

Darkness

Sad passing. The rest of us should not forget.

Parenting

We don't want our children. We have proposed returning them, but failed. Remains to be seen.

Simply A Salute

I know most of you are connected to your pen name. You created them to be the person to say everything about yourself that you can't.

I created Jessie Lyric Phoenix about a year ago. When I began this blog my pen name was Panda Wallflower. Not much depth. Just things I liked. But then there was a change in the stars. I needed meaning. An explanation of who I really was. I needed a change.

An example of who I wanted to be.

A love for who I was.

That's when Jessie Lyric Phoenix was born.
sound a bit like Margo Roth Spiegelman?



Jessie - The Master Builder, Leader, Confidence, Organization.

Lyric - Musical, Dependable, Hard-Working.

Phoenix - Independent, Ambitious, Inventive, Strong-willed, Reborn.



This is the best way I can describe myself.

The thing is I don't really know who I am and who I'm going to be.

So I asked the people closest to me what they think makes me who I am. And this is what they said:

"Probably.. The fact the you're not afraid to be yourself - you're proud of who you are and every decision you've made. It's that inner strength and headstrong-ness, I think."

"Your ability to pouch through hard times."

"You say what you think when you think it. That's pretty noteworthy to me. :)"

"Your creativity."

"Well you're very independent and somewhat free spirited. :) You just go your own way."

"Your past experiences and your genetics."

"Your values and interests and the people you choose to spend your time with? Everything you do makes you you."

"You're persistent and mysterious."

"Well I think your love of music, your friends, and the way you look at and interpret life. But I can never tell you what makes you "you" because who you are is what you want to be, and what you want to be can change from day to day, short term, present, and long term. Who you are isn't something you can determine in a day. It takes a lifetime."

"You're detail oriented."

"Your sarcasm, and you have good judgment of character."

"You're not afraid to be yourself and you don't care what people think about you......you're brave, beautiful, caring, funny, etc....."

Hopefully I explained myself well enough. If not my posts are where my heart is.

See Jessie Lyric Phoenix is someone I created to be who I couldn't upfront. Like most of you did. But it's been long enough where I became her.

Before I was her my depression controlled me. I was never really happy, and I cared way too much about what other people thought.

But Jessie took my hand, cleared my head, and made me want to live.

This is less of a goodbye to Jessie and more of a salute.

She taught me how to be everything I wanted.

She taught me to be the real Makenzie Kristine Stratford.
Though I do prefer just Kenzie. 

I'm Stuck On Repeat

My heart is on the floor.
The beat fades slowly,
As the music or the world surrounds me.
The laughing is the beat.
The words said behind my back are harmonizing.
And my tears at the end are what make the song oh so popular.
Life put my iPod on repeat and now it's all I know.

I know there's more out there.
I know it.

These Are The Days I Live For

What could be more perfect then a day you're okay. 

A day where despite your depression being affected by the coming winter, 

Nothing, can wipe that smile off your face. 

A day that holds a moment so pure, 

You detach yourself from the scene just to admire that this is your life. 

A day where your time with everything is balanced. 

And where the world gives its approval by giving you the most beautiful amber sunset.

These are the days I love. 

These are to days I don't need to dream. 

These are the days I live for. 

Hello My Old Heart

Dear Jessie,
Wake up!
It's 1 in the afternoon and your eyelids are still dragging on the ground.
I know you're tired of seeing the same olds,
But I can help.
The problem is you've been thinking with me.
Not feeling with me.
You think I'm the one leading you through all these ditches?
That crack head brain of yours has been twisting my words.
Haven't you been wondering what those pains in your chest are?
Listen to me!
You write like your dad,
You act like your friends,
You change yourself all the time to please others,
And when you're alone you just having staring contests with the wall.
What part of you is yours?
You may think you lost yourself in the heartbreak you find in everyone you trust,
But I'm still here. 
You are still here!
Dig deeper.
Look in the mirror and find yourself.
Not your insecurities.
Don't wait for tomorrow,
Because you only live today.
See the world around you and breathe.
Do what you love instead of planning to do what you love.
When you feel alone remember me.
Gaze at the stars.
We've both been here since the beginning.
You keep on trying to get rid of me,
But can't you see how great we could be?

Always by your side, 

Heart

Letters to the Hitchhikers in My Life

Blue - It's been a year now. I still miss you. But it's more who you were then who you are now. Maybe one day we'll be friends again. Our paths are a bit stuck together now anyways. And I don't really see that changing in the future. For one I want to say thank you. You were there for me when no one else was. You have made such a positive change in my life. I will forever be in your debt for that. I would also like you to know that I'm sorry. I didn't know it at the time, but I see what I did to you. I deprived you of the life you deserve. I hope you look on the good times when you think of me though. There's so many questions I'd like to ask you. But somewhere in my gut I feel like I should keep them to myself. You're doing much better unattached.

Silver - You're one of the most amazing people in my life. Though I know our days are numbered. I'm going to have to drop you off at your destination soon. I hope it doesn't end up like that, but I can't help but feel you secretly resent me. A lot. We have different opinions now. Developing our minds in parting directions. But I want you to know that I always remember you. You really do mean a lot to me. I just know you're one of those people I'm going to look up on Facebook twenty years from now, and you'll be this amazing accomplished adventure taking person. You deserve that life.

Red - Dear me. It's been a while. I tried to tell you this in person but you wouldn't take me seriously. You've changed so much. But I do want to say thank you. You introduced me to confidence and beauty. Told me that I did and could posses these things. I felt like a ghost when we first met. But you saw me. I know you're long gone now, but just know I think of you every now and then. You changed my life more then you could ever know.

White - You are my favorite sibling. You have saved me so many times. Especially that one night. Thank you for being the calm one I can relate to. I hope we never distance ourselves because I want you in my life for a long time. That's what family is for right? I hope you get that restaurant you want. I hope you watch every fandom possible, and that your still going to Comic Con when you're eighty.

Black - I'm scared we're going to lose contact after high school. You are my best friend yet I feel like you're the person I know the least about. I didn't always know we could be close and I could talk to you. I know I can now. No matter how much you get distracted hah. I love who you are as a person. You have this unique way you act. It's hard to explain but it's my favorite part about you. I hope you find someone that truly makes you happy one day.

Grey - I wonder how our lives would have gone if you hadn't moved. You're one of the few hitchhikers I had to drop off early then you wished. I truly do love you. There was just a moment when we were hurting more than helping. You're empathy is very strong. While you've gotten punched in the face for it I hope you know it's a good thing. You were a good friend. I'm sorry things happened the way they did.

Purple - You began the part of my life that is actually living. I've seen you change the most. You may think we are still friends in some way. You text me every now and then. I don't know why. You kind of piss me off if we are together for to long. Sorry... We were good friends while it lasted.

Yellow - I haven't spoken to you in...a very long time. It's funny to me we still have those awkward waves in the halls every now and then. I don't know you. I don't know you friends. We had a class together last year and you seemed exactly the same. You helped me be who I am today. Though you may not be so how about how. When I look into a new friend I look for basically everything opposite of you. I step up for myself now, which you never let me do. I look for someone with depth. Someone accepting and different. Thanks for giving me a spine.

Orange - I know we have good memories somewhere. You were gone a lot, but you always made the weekends good. We were okay when it was the six of us. Though every time it was just you and I the only thing I can think of is the awkward atmosphere. Then I grew up. That didn't help. You got lazy. I became a teenage girl with depression. We'll always have one thing in common. I wouldn't have put a temper on the top of my list though.

Green - I feel like we live in a soap opera. You are completely insane. I keep on debating if you actually love me, or the fact that every time you say it is for self-benefit isn't a coincidence. You say you would do anything for me. But you don't even know the real me. You keep me in a box because everything outside of your opinion in unacceptable. I love the times we can make things work. I just wish there weren't so few of them.

Awkward - YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. ...but your adorable smile keeps pulling me back in... 

Trans - I tell myself we would never be friends if it weren't for Silver. And while that's probably true I'm glad things worked out the way they did. Yes I have a short fuse and you are very sensitive. We make it work though. And we've had some pretty damn good times because of it. Your future is very bright. I see you becoming more of what you want to be every day.

Light - I miss you. You're name is the most accurate, because that's what you were to me. Seeing you decline in that way was heart breaking. You bring tears to my eyes every time I think of you. I hope you loved me as much as I love you.

How To Shit On Your Life

I walked ran out of church today,
Jumped in my car,
Hefted up my accepted maxi skirt,
Took off my cardigan to embrace the sun,
and went for a drive.
But I didn't take off my shoes.

I thought of all the things I wanted to be.
What I want to do while I'm still stuck in this hell hole.
And where I want to go when I finally got it off my back.
I tried to drive in a direction where I didn't see any mountains.
But this place is so damn closed in.
I wanted me and the road and a destination I couldn't see.
But these god damned mountains give everyone inside them a planned future in "the way things should be."
I thought about leaving these mountains as soon as I could.
But I didn't take my shoes off.

I thought about all I could remember in my 15 years here.
The evolution of my friends.
The evolution of myself.
I saw what made me who I am today.
And no matter the pain.
It was worth it. 
Don't mistake that with it's going to be worth it.
I see this paper town.
With paper smiles and paper reasons.
Then I look at the memories I've made.
The friends I have today.
All concrete.
All real. 
I thought about these misfits I'd miss when I leave.
But I didn't take off my shoes.

I thought about all the these holding me back.
The scolding from the oh so wiser people.
The grades.
The money.
But they all forgot that I don't give a shit.
I'm not going to let this hold me back like it does everyone else.
They provide walls to a home,
But they don't let you out.
They don't let you see the sky
And touch the stars.
They make you say good enough over and over.
I gazed at the stars and thought.
But I didn't take my shoes off.

I thought. 
That's the problem here.
Thinking is what makes something amazing an almost.
Leaving who you are, to could've been.
And your life as good enough.
Don't be afraid to heft up your skirt and take a different turn.
To embrace what's so far away.
Take that long breath as you plunge your toes in the sand.
And take your damn shoes off.

My Dark Passenger

I fear my dark passenger. 

He tells me he's my best friend. 

Always around telling me what to think. 

What to do. 

He whispers in the back of my mind what people actually think about me. 

He tells me their smiles are fake. 

Their worried brows.

Their nervous small talk. 

It's all a lie.

He tells me to go home instead. 

To be alone. 

Sit on the couch. 

Lay there and think about all the things wrong with my life.

All the Depression.

All the Loneliness.

All the Hopelessness this world offers. 

I want it all to go away. 

This is what he does to me.

I tell him all my insecurities. 

That's what best friends do.....right?

And he laughs in my face. 

Making me think of it all at once. 

It Devours me. 

I just want to be happy. 

I don't need money. 

I don't need fame. 

I'll admit it would be nice...

But all I truly want is happiness, 

And someone besides my dark passenger

To hold me when it's not there. 

This Video Made My Day

I know it's weird, but watch it all the way through!!

I'm Alive

I'm seventeen years old and I sat by my stuffed animals the whole time they were in the washing machine, because I felt like I was drowning them.

I cry during movies sometimes...or a lot of the time...

I can't watch spiders on tv let alone in real life.

My two dogs are my best friends.

I fall in love way too easily.

I'm a musician, though I love others music more.

I'm a writer, though I love others writing more.

I sleep with a light on at night.

I love the rain.

I love pandas with every fiber in my body.

I ponder the meaning of life on a daily basis.

I don't believe in science.

I'm non-religious.

I'm bisexual.

I love driving to nowhere in particular.

I have no regrets.

I'm afraid of water.

I have depression.

I refuse to believe any rule thats only reason is " because that's just how it is."

I don't care what a single person thinks.

I care more about the beauty in every day rather than just the future.

I feel.

I touch.

I hear.

I smell.

I taste.

I'm alive.

What The Brick?

My house is made of bricks.

My home is made of bricks. 

It holds my personality, morality, 

And defines my mentality.

To reject a good salary,

Over my own minds fatality. 

The world is trying to break through. 

Taking my home brick by brick. 

Replacing my concrete world with glass. 

But I'm tired of picking up the shards. 

Religion, money, a useless education, 

Whatever happened to experience?

Happiness, wisdom, love,

All forgotten when it comes to being on top.

Happiness becomes money, 

Wisdom becomes age, 

And love becomes sex. 

Friends are just for self benefit. 

And mother nature was put there just so I can have my first kiss in the rain. 

I thought we learned long ago that the sun doesn't orbit around the earth. 

Why would the brightest star care about something so broken anyways?

You.

I think way too much about the type of guy I'd like to be with.
Especially after you.

I think of all the things you did.
Along with everything I feel I deserve.
And nothing about it fits.
Though somehow I find myself looking back.
No matter all the logic in my head that screams it can't be,
I want you back.

I want your failure to communicate.
I want the lies you say to make me happy.
I want your horrible jokes that somehow still make me laugh.
I want your arms that held me and fit me like a glove.
I want your eyes that always knew what was happening behind my fake smile.
I want your smile that is aways there, no matter the emotion of the situation.

You took a part of me with you when you said your goodbyes.
And I think there's a reason I haven't gotten it back yet.
Call me crazy.
Repeat your logic to me over and over of how things wouldn't work out.
All the reasons we had to part.
But this is the field where logic is thrown out the window.
You never need a reason to fall in love.
It just happens.

You told me you miss me.
You told me you weren't over me.
So why are we in this awkward friendship?
It may be a stupid idea,
But at least we'll know what would happen.
You are one "what if" I do not want to look back on.

Love. The Great Unknown.

We may have never fallen in love, but all of us know what it is.

As babies we need to be loved. We need to be nurtured and watched at all times. We need our parents smile every time we look at them. Because at that point when we can't speak. Can't walk. Can't even eat by ourselves. The one thing we know is love.


For those who have fallen in love. I have a question.

Did you fall out of it? Or are you still stuck while the other person did?

I personally think that if its true love you'll never fall out of it. But can it be true love if the other person doesn't feel the same?

I thought I fell in love. I still believe I have. Though suspicion creeps in my thoughts and makes me think I'm just crazy instead.


I love the story from the Greeks that says in the beginning of time we were all once two humans combined. But the gods were jealous of our true love and complete bodies so they separated us. Leaving us doomed to search for our other half our whole lives.


Love to me is the most important thing in this world. Because in the end don't we all just want someone that completely understands us? Someone who will stand by you no matter what. Someone who makes you feel like everything will be okay as long as they are by your side.


We all may know love, but we'll never understand it. 

Love is that person in the hall with the familiar face but the name escapes you. Love sits in the back of the room. Sometimes not noticed, but always there. Love cries in the corner as well all try looking for it. Why is love crying? Because it's misunderstood. Unknown. We all may find someone to love one day. But love itself will always be alone.

One Love - Marianas Trench

Who am I?

What have I learned from school?

My life is an equation with a miss written number. 

I've been told I need to find myself before this year ends. If I don't i'll be torn apart by everyone who does.  But my x doesn't have a solution. Who I am doesn't exist. 

Now i'll admit for a while I just waited for the answer to find me. I didn't think I'd have to search with my heart and mind on a silver platter for all to see. But even then it wasn't worth the pain because I still am so lost. 

The world is a labyrinth. And I don't know if I have the guts to face it. Let alone make it.

I'm Not Human. I'm Real.

What is being human?

Human - sympathetic; humane

Humane - characterized by tenderness, compassion, and sympathy, for people and animals, especially for the suffering or distressed.



Happiness,
Friends,
Family,
Love,
Money.

(Parents)
"Honey, dinner is ready."

...*click*....*swipe*...

"Honey?"

"Yeah?" ....*tap*....

"The food is hot. Please come eat, the kids want to tell you about their first day of school. They haven't seen you all day."

"Oh"....*click*...."Yeah".....*swipe*...."Sure"....*tap*....

-  -  -

(Parents)

"So Jessie has dad's and donuts this Thursday. I know she'd be really happy if you could make it."

"Thursday? Sorry I have to work. She can find a friend to sit with."

"You know she's not good at that dear. She doesn't have any friends."

"What happened to Suzy?"

"They got in a fight. Their family is very mad at us. Don't you remember?"

"Huh. You may have mentioned it. But anyways I need to work that day. You know we need the money."

-  -  -

(Friend and I) 

Friend: "How is he doing in college?"

Me: "Good, though I'm worried about him."

"Why?"

"He started smoking because all his friends do. He always talked about not liking his brother for doing that." 

"Wow. He has changed. He should wait until it's legal for him."

"Yeah. He has such big plans for his life. Actually doing things he loves. But this could completely ruin everything. If he got caught or escalates... I hope nothing bad happens."

-  -  -

(Parents and I)

"What is with your grades? You couldn't even get into UVU with these."

"I'm sorry I've been having a really hard time with school. I'm working on it."

"We don't care. It's so simple. All you have to do is go to school and turn in the work."

"It's not that easy. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings anymore. I'm having a lot of problems with my friends, and there's a lot on my shoulders right now."

"Just shape up and get the work in. All you have to do is stop being lazy." 

-  -  -

I don't want to go into the "real world."

I don't want to be human. 

The human race changed sympathetic to just plain pathetic.

War. Government. Careers. Families. Self Esteem.

The world is broken. 

What happened to being real?

Alive?

Empathy is on the brink of extinction. 

It's all our fault. 

We've made life a competition. And the only prize is a wasted life. 

We're stuck in daily routines. And the only thing that matters is money. 

What have we done to this world?




Crazy - Simple Plan

Life. Is. Hard.

I think of myself as a piano.
As I grow up I attempt to tune each key to find my own melody.
But who knows how to tune a damn piano?
And if it sounds nice to you who cares what others hear?
You've written the music.
Studied it.
You know you're playing it perfectly.
They may try and lock you down to the simple notes.
But guess what my friend.
No one can put a lock on your imagination.
It's easy to feel trapped in this society when everyone feels the same.
Being expected to follow.
The pressure is unbearable.


But while I work my way out of the world I'd like to state something here.
Something that will not be locked down where my imagination runs wild.

My name is Jessie Lyric Phoenix. I love school. I'm not Mormon. I will not be going to college next year. I am smart and could get in if I wanted though. There's nothing wrong with taking a break. I don't believe in any religion. Nor do I believe in science. I do what I want no matter what "rules" stand in my way. I'm bisexual. I love the rain and dream of places I've never been.

I am a piano. And I'm composing my heartbeat. It's unlike anything you have ever heard. And no matter what you say. I. Love. It.

You're So #different

I thought I had a type,
But then I saw you.

Once I swore I would never like, nor date, anyone younger then me.
I made a quiet list in my head of the perfect guy,
And trust me I found my share of almost perfect.
Then you walked in.
Eyes changing color,
Smile of a joker,
and a heart.
Much bigger then anyones I had ever met.
You still can barely even sarcastically make fun of me,
While I throw you left and right with the corners of my smile.
Please, Forgive me if I step on your feet,
Because this dance is foreign to me.

Looking at you I just know this is going to hurt if it ever starts,
Let alone when it ends.
But honestly I don't care.
No matter what,
You are worth the risk. 

Do I Even Want My Crayons Back?

If you had the chance to be a kid again would you?
To start completely from scratch?

I wouldn't.
My childhood was filled with crying and the word no.
Being the youngest you automatically get made fun of.
Constantly.
My crayons were broken from the beginning.
I was very shy,
And the friends I did have didn't give a shit about me.

If your childhood was bad do you like where you are now?
Or do you dream of the future instead?
I couldn't say I like where I am,
Nor do I wish for the future.
Maybe when I'm happy.
Though that feeling is becoming rare again.
I feel like it's just behind a locked door,
But I buried the key long ago.

Honestly,
I don't want my past,
I don't like now,
And the future sickens me.

What do I dream of?
Easy,
Nothing.

Fall...The Season

We are fall.
We begin with a full set of leaves.
Slowly our opinion on each and every one changes.
As we pick the ones we like best the others fall.
Soon enough all you are is your own bare skin.
Who we are finally shines through.

So let me ask you a question.
When all your masks and fronts you put up abandon you will you love your beautiful bare soul?
Or cry with the snow and go through an endless cycle of uncanny emotion.




The world is a canvas, and Fall is the masterpiece.

Silver

The ocean. 

The surface rolls peacefully under the sun. 

It's beauty undeniable. 

As you watch the waves reach towards you

The water seems to smile. 

Enticing you to come and play. 

You never thought it was a cry for help. 

That those days when the tide was high she was trying to drown her world. 

Waves crashing furiously. 

But that's supposed to happen every now and then right?

Not even close. 

Most people just adore the ocean for the way it compliments everything else. 

They don't know what lurks beneath.

Sharks swim in these waters. 

Nothing making sense as fish eat other fish and defy natures status quo.

The pits run so deep and become so dark. 

Even the ocean itself can't comprehend it. 

Few have tried to go so deep. 

Have you ever even thought of the ocean as lonely?

It's filled with creatures, 

And people come and go through it constantly.  

But do they really care? 

It may be dark in those pits, 

But I believe the beauty is not just the shore. 

More Than Just A Hat

Once there was a hat vendor.
He walked amongst all the people in his crooked village,
Everyday trying to seduce their eyes with his unique hats.
Putting on his work smile every morning,
But his eyes were too deep to completely hide his pain.

When he was young he made a promise to himself.
That no matter what he would always pursue what he loved,
Never letting greed nor the pressure of "regular lifestyle" destroy his happiness.
But he fell into a routine with his hats,
Forgetting why he chose them in the first place.
Making them evolve into a reminder of his mistakes.
His regrets.
Where could he go from here?
For he lived in a small house,
In a petite village,
With just his hats.
He wasn't rich But he had enough.
Though he never felt like enough.

His hats like the people in his life never stayed long.
They'd be swept away by someone who matched them better.
He was only the maker,
Not the wearer.
Helping and giving it his all,
But only finding himself lonely once again.

One night on his way back home his depression spoke up.
He looked up at the starts and began to cry.

"I know I'm the maker. 

I don't get to call anyone my own.

But please give me something.

I'm so alone. 

You've watched me my whole life.

Being my only true friend. 

Though you are so far away. 

It's getting harder to pretend.

Please help me fix my hallow body. 

It's starting to fall apart. 

I need someone to help make me. 

And give my life a start."

His wish went into the sky joining all the others. 

Tears stopping, 

Walls back up, 

As he crawled into his bed. 

Back to his like with his feelings in a box,

And nothing but his hats. 

My Sweet Melodies

I have troubles defining my feelings.
Anger and depression are the only things I know by heart.
The rest tries to swim against a whirlpool,
Until they sink so low they give up.
Taking them to die in the deepest pits of my mind.
Never to be known.
Never to be felt.

Sadly I've never been good at swimming.
I can barely cross a pool without breathing hard.
Making me someone who rarely even dips my toes in those deep waters,
As I lie to myself,
Saying "I'll be okay right here."

Many people have tried to swim for me.
I am very grateful,
But the outcome is never good.
After so many years I finally found my Olympian.
My sweet melodies from people who have captured my highest respect.
Their voices fearlessly go into my abyss,
Bringing back things I have missed out on for so long.
Making me more than veins and bones.
Giving color to my face,
And eyes into a beautiful world.

Not only does it resurface me,
But helps me understand these new confusing things.

Music saved my life. 

Welcome.

As you can see like most of you I'm not new to this whole blog thing. I give you my old writing as an invitation to my mind. Though I don't expect nor care if you actually take the time to read it at all.

One thing I should make clear is I'm not writing for school or readers or any reason other then the fact that I love to write.

It helps in those dark nights we all have. Sews my pieces together to stay human. Makes me understand the galaxy of thoughts and feelings in my head. Without writing my eyes would not close at night and my heart be three sizes too small.

* * *

I seek the great perhaps in my life. I want to experience everything I can, and not focus on rules or the normal way to go about living. 

I regret nothing. Even though my past is full of hurt I can't help but look back and smile, because it made me who I am today and I love that. 

I've spent a lot of my life waiting for everything to happen for me. Searching for those perfect moments instead of making them.  Assuming that my life is already mapped out on a parchment by a very detailed artist. Though that quickly turned into a mere fear of the future. Luckily I've evolved into someone who lives in the moment. I want to do something memorable everyday of my life and write it all down. Because one day I won't have anymore future. I'll sit and look back at my once fear and be happy I thought about every little day instead of the one day that was supposed to make all the little ones worth it. 

I Am Everthing

Who am I?
At this moment.
Not my past, not my future.
Now.
I am that look in your eyes I haven't seen in months.
I am the knives in a back,
Wounds fresh and bleeding uncontrollably.
I am confident yet scared in a shrink room.
I am digging to find my heart that's praying for a new beginning.
But my nails aren't strong enough.
Yet somehow I do the impossible.
I take what should be bad and find living.
No no. Living free.
I create a shovel out of that late hazy night,
The snapchats I overthink,
The sweet and different,
And not you.
You put my heart in that coffin a long time ago,
And only decided to let me save it now.
But guess what.
I don't need you. 
That's what you miscalculated.
My feelings.
Though I guess you never really cared about them in the first place.
You held me back from my great perhaps.
And now I'm free.
So in the most fucked up way.
Thanks.

Well shit...

To you,

You would know who you are if you actually read this, but I know this will never reach your deep blue eyes.

We. Were. Great.

You put me in a fantasy I never thought I deserved to live. You took my battered body and kissed every bruise until I got better. You took my withered soul and held it with such passion I couldn't have gotten out if I wanted to.

You loved me.

All I did was wear you out.

I knew I was never meant for someone great. I would destroy them. Some faster than others. Though you, you were the one that stayed the longest. You cared so deeply my flaws didn't matter, and suddenly I loved you too.

I still love you.

Honestly I don't know what happened. We talked about the future right up to the point you threw our future in the trash. And trust me, you didn't do it nicely. You took the heart I gave you and slowly tore it apart in front of me. Months of my great memories were your worst nightmare.

Though it wasn't my fault.

I wanted to help. 

I never wanted my problems to cover yours. I just wanted trust.

Then suddenly you turn on me for your own mistakes.

And I'm okay. I've been happier actually. Realizing everything I gave to you was now mine again. Seeing what I was becoming for you, when I didn't even truly know you.

But don't interpret. My feelings are there no matter how much you hurt me. Love never dies for me. I'm not sure why. You will always have a part of me.

My nights.

My days.

My thoughts.

My memories.

I'm trying so hard not to let those last few minutes ruin everything we had. But when your heart gets broken it not easy to think straight.

I cry.

I get mad.

I miss you.

...I miss you...

"Love wouldn't be love without the pain."

Thinking

I lay scrolling through the people that have it worse then me.
Thinking I should be happy compared to these people.
Though somehow here I am crying.
Trying to get some sleep, but my mind is too busy thinking.
Thinking about the people I love.
Thinking about how they probably don't even care about me.
Wondering about my life.
My future.
Wondering if I'll ever see what shit it becomes.
Pondering my control.
Not pondering because I have no control.
I was doing great.
No no.
I was pretending I was doing great.
Masking everything underneath.
Pushing the demons down to see if there was any room for emotion in me.
All of this to be lost.
A crossroads with infinite options.
And I wonder why my head is so full.
Follow the yellow brick road.
Second star to the right.
Just keep swimming.
I can't.
The hollow feeling inside me is back.
I don't think it's leaving until I'm gone.

Me In A Nut Shell

"I'm not okay!" - My Chemical Romance

"Sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind." - Twenty One Pilots

"I will tell you what I can, But your mind will take a stand. I sing of a greater love. Let me know when you've had enough." - Twenty One Pilots

"You will never know. What's under me skin. So won't you say goodnight. So I can say goodbye." Twenty One Pilots

"I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene." - My Chemical Romance

"I will not bow." - Breaking Benjamin

"I'm dying alone." - Greek Fire

"Spiders crawled inside, and made themselves a home." - Twenty One Pilots

"My treehouse is on fire, and for some reason I smell gas on my hands. This is not what I had planned." - Twenty One Pilots

"Leave me alone. Don't leave me alone." - Twenty One Pilots

"Put a bullet where I should've put a helmet." - Bleachers

"The piano plays a melancholy soundtrack to her smile." - The Airborne Toxic Event

"Let's be alone together." - Fall Out Boy

"I will stand. A broken man." - Boys Like Girls

"Burry me. The hardest part of this is leaving you." - My Chemical Romance

Depression Meets Happiness

You're okay. You're okay.

Someone once told me that they say things to convince themselves it's a reality.
You're okay. 
I feel like I tried it, but I'm not really sure.
What's the word for being too damaged to do something that's so easy?
Broken?
I feel as though that word is too...sweet.
When I have crumpled to the floor because I'm crying too hard to stand. Broken is heavenly.
"But angel you have wings," my mind says.
"You can fly away from this."

No.

This isn't some illusion I have put myself in.
This isn't a choice I have made at all.
Anyone who willingly puts themselves through this when they have wings?
They're insane.
And I'm not insane...
Not in that way.
"Wait." my mind says.
"You are no angel."
"Angels are so much more than...this."
"You."
"You are from Hell."
"There cannot be anything even possibly heavenly in you."
Suddenly my mind starts disappearing like crayons in the hands of a three year old.
A voice entices me to look up.
To take that narrow minded view and toss it, because my crayons my mind thought so important are now useless stubs.
The voice tells me to look up into hopes eyes.
Hope. Saves me.
It wraps its arms around me, though still holding my gaze.
Hope. Brought happiness to meet my mind.
My mind resists and wants to cry in the corner about the lost crayons.
It missed the blacks and browns and greys that made such beautiful pictures.
But happiness wipes my minds tears and presents a new set of crayons.
Purples. Blues. Reds.
And so many shades in between.
Nothing my mind had ever seen.
And now my mind realizes it has finally found a friend.
Happiness is its view and hope is its home.
"I'm sorry." says my mind.
"I see now that you are more than Heaven or Hell."
"You are a phoenix. You now have wings larger than any angel. You are invincible. But that doesn't mean you won't burn. Trust me, you'll definitely burn, but don't worry. It only adds a fire in your eyes.  And when it gets so bad you turn to ash you will rise from those ashes even better than before. So stand up. Look up."

Trying

I sit here making my fingers do a dance across my keyboard,
But something is missing.
The heart.
I yearn for the days I could sit down and type out my feelings in beautiful sonnets.
Though my mind reminds me that, that was so long ago.
I wonder why it had to leave, and suddenly I sit here crying.
Crying because something I held so dear to me is gone.
Words were my only way to understand the world and how it can be so cruel.
Words were my Rosetta Stone to understand how my heart can pump but not feel.
Then suddenly all I am is a Jukebox in a run down diner with surprisingly good pie.
I sit and wait.
Not being able to do anything unless someone tells me to.
They give me coins, which I only pass on to other people.
In return, I search inside myself and try to play their favorite song.
Yes, I'm out of date, but it seems to me that empathy is too.
And on that note when I'm broken and can't use myself to please you,
I beg of you to not hit me repeatedly or throw me in a junkyard.
Because you may be made of bones, and I of screws, but I'm trying.
And just as a pointer I've found I reply a lot better to caring than abuse and abandonment.

I've Been

It's been too long.

Though I've decided it's okay when the day comes that I leave this petite little home of mine and slowly move on from these words.

Because that means something. It means I have taken the leap from writing down what I want to actually getting it.

I will never forget all the words I have written, but I will be happy to move on when the time comes.

Where have I been?

Well...

I've been in his breaths that come and go so smoothly. They take me in and make me feel so safe and warm.

We sway through the waves and the lightning knowing that as long as we hold our gaze and see the stars sparkle in each others eyes we don't need necessities of life. (Air? Psh, not a need at all.)

I've been in her smiles. The ones I never thought I'd see again. The laughs. The memories. It's something so pure. I'm the luckiest person on earth to have found something so blissful.

I've been in tears. Hovering above all the people I care for that feel so cold when I need a fire to thaw my heart.

I've been in my music. The sweet symphonies that make me believe a god could exist, because nothing of this world could create such sunrise.

I've been lost.

I've been found.

I've been up.

I've been down.

Though mostly I've been in a haze. Wondering too much.

Don't we all?

That is why we're all here on these blogs that no one reads.

We write our souls with a pen hooked to our veins for ink. Leaking everything we can onto the page so we can see a little clearer.

We walk down the halls thinking, if only they knew.

We are the shadows trying to escape from the humans we are attached to because we want a life of our own. We don't want this body that's full of insecurity and has thoughts too loud but a voice to small.

We want to fly.

I Don't Know

I'd like to quote a person I hold dear in my heart.

"I don't know."

I don't know if I should be giving in to the world around me, and forget who I am.

I don't know if I should be preparing for a break up because long distance doesn't work.

I don't know if I should be breaking up currently because I'm too much for another human being.

I don't know if I should isolate myself because I can't identify truth from lying.

I don't know if I should being talking to someone about what goes on in my head.

I don't know if I should be getting papers for emancipation.

I don't know if I should let myself sleep.

I don't know if I should just kill myself off so I don't have to deal with anything.

I don't know if I should being doing what I love or doing what makes sense.

I don't know if I should be myself around others because I can't determine if I'll bring them down or lift them up.

I don't know if I can get my life in order.

I don't know if I should try to look on the bright side because I'm scared I'll get to the point where I can't find one.

I don't know if I should try paying for college through scholarships or just face the facts.

I don't know if I actually want to go through life or not.

I don't know if I should start taking meds.

I don't know if I should try being beautiful or accept its impossible.

I don't know if I can believe in anything in this world.

I DON'T KNOW.

And I'm done trying to know.

What to Write

What do you write about when you feel nothing?

When your day was just eh, and completely uninspiring.

It wasn't a bad day. No yelling. Not too much depression.

Though it wasn't good either.

Sure you laughed, But you were really just going through the motions.

But now sitting at my computer and wanting to write I wonder when it will all stop.

When will I finally step up and make everything memorable.

Am I just going to wake up tomorrow and change my life?

Even if I did wake up tomorrow wanting to change my life it would wear off.

How do I make every day memorable?

My thoughts -

Step 1: Buy A Camera. Take at least one picture each day so you remember every single one. Write stories about it. Do something.

Step 2: Set Goals.

Step 3: Get off your lazy ass and do more with your life.

Step 4: Care less about others. Not in an insensitive way, but don't let them define you. Don't depend on anyone.

Step 5: Make a legit bucket list, and make goals and achieve them one by one.

Step 6: Die.

P.S. - If anyone tries to get in your way and prevent you making the most of life. Leave them behind. Life is too short to care about what other people think.


Every time I want to change my life it fades. I go back into the motions and am too lazy to get off my ass and live. Though you see time doesn't wait for people to get off their ass. Time continues and eats away at you until your all old a decrepit, and look back on all the things you wish you did.

Though there is a line. If I get too caught up in making everything work, I miss the times where sitting on my ass benefits me. Instead of being too busy to have a random hang out with friends, I have no schedule and can spend the day with them.

Now I must bring up the other possibility that came up in my head. What if I don't know how to work towards something I want. You know, no one ever tells you how life should be lived. Not that thats a bad thing, but I feel as though there is some certain way that no one knows about. Being too loud with your opinion and life just seems wrong. Some how I feel like some lifestyle has been planted in my head.

Though maybe. Just maybe. I can start living life the way I want to.

Face It

As I open my eyes to the curdling sound of my alarm clock,
There are three things I think of,
My dream fading away fast into the dark corners of my mind,
How the chilling air tears at my covers,
And you.
Triggers of you make me feel like I'm in a war,
Near to triumph but not quite sure it will come.
Things may pop up here and there, but I don't care,
At this moment with you I have no doubt, no fears, and no pain.
You heal the wounds I can't sew myself.
But something that has been a punch in my face is,
I can't stop time.
No matter how much I wish to press pause,
And get some good sleep for once,
Or keep that kiss close to my heart,
L stands for life not luxury.
And love?
Please,
Love got distracted by a butterfly,
Ran into Home,
And forgot the way back,
But Love didn't need to remember anyways.
Though it left quite the mark.
It left me drowning,
Gasping for the sweet air of peace.
Clawing at it's memory,
And searching in everything for that feeling I once had.
I may get close every now and then,
But it will always leave.
Whether it's down the hall,
Or countless miles away,
It will always leave.
I thought my heart was in flames when,
I danced with a similar feeling,
Always on my toes wondering what steps were next,
Fumbling when trying to impress,
Until I fell flat on my face.
But my heart has now descended,
Into something deeper in the Earth than Hell.
I have now become Cinderella with a timer,
But the glass slipper never came.
But don't worry,
I'll be fine. 
I've been yearning to become the background music once again,
I've learned my lesson.
I will remain the elevator music that creates awkward silences,
That song at the dance that's too boring,
But not slow enough for romance.
That's me.
My broken record will continue to play,
Though the scratches are heavy.
It's worth it.
Each scratch may make you cringe,
But it has grown on me.
I stumble,
I fall,
But that's how I live.
The truth hurts,
Face it.

Dreams

As we grow up we are told that we can be whatever we want.
Were encouraged to dream and pursue whatever we can think of.
Our imagination is our limit.
But slowly our dreams melt into shadows that hang over like clouds and rain on us.
We become pressured and our once diamond selves become overdone.
The boy that loves you and wipes your tears evolves into the cheating heartless worm.
Your best friends come and go changing like a bipolar disorder.
A family raised to be a safety net becomes the people swinging your tightrope.
Leaving nothing but you, a mere set of walking gears,
And your heart, which has slowly been drowning in black ink,
Exploding every now and then to spill out a messy set of letters,
Because guess what my angel, you don't have enough control for a pen.
Your hands are too shaky, and your thoughts too corrupted.
You must feel whole with others words in their songs of truth,
Or the compliments that have hidden knifes.
But angel you can't give up, you simply can't.
You see, you have a boy that wipes your tears,
And that's all you could ever dream of.
You posses a best friend no matter how much differing of when and who.
You have a roof over your head.
And near to most important,
You let words envelope you that make you feel.
The ones that make you cry, make you sway.
Never forget the ones that make your thoughts get swept away into the dumpster,
As you let out your secret love of dance and your dream to sing,
And create the most pure beauty you have ever witnessed.
So raise your head up angel, because when someone on the outside won't give up,
You got to realize that sometimes the suffering clouds the sun.

Perspective

Life is all about perspective.

Sad thing is, perspective likes to have fun.

And sometimes perspective doesn't know where to draw the line.

Growing up we begin to realize that the things we think aren't what others think. We realize the world isn't just our neighborhood. That people can have a different opinion on something that is obviously a fact to you.

Recently I've run into more situations like this.

Some admirable.

Some over respected by being compared to the scum of the earth.

For one. I know someone who puts so much love into family. He tells his parents everything and looks to them for help. He cares so deeply for each one of them, and leaving them is a pure sadness. His home is kind and understanding. Filled with imperfection, but yet an ideal family. Merely because they show their love instead of thinking voicing it is enough.

See, I've heard of these kinds of families, but I never knew they were real.

As I face my own family and see nothing but pain, and sadness I immediately want to run. Find something happy. Though as I talk to my friend he insists to not give up hope.

I can't tell you how many times my mind has played catch with this object wondering if this could be true or if it's because he was put in this kind of family so he believes that every family is naturally like his.

On a sadder note. I mentioned my family.

Perspective is definitely crucial in my family. Everyone's perspective is blindfolded, put in a box, and shipped to the bermuda triangle. No one assuming that another person has feelings. Words and actions speak so loud that it all forms into one I hate you that has made me deaf from empathy.

This one minded heartless perspective has torn something that is supposed to be so special and important to hundreds and thousand of pieces. Fighting. Tears. Depression. They all walk through the halls here. Debating if they should over take us all with their emotion, or only posses one so the rest can laugh or force them into becoming a pariah, because human nature is the devil of them all.

Who Knows?

The other day I went out to dinner with my family. As usual I stared out the window with my headphones in, blocking out everything around me and merely pondering the meaning of life.

As I sat there we pulled onto the freeway and I began to look at all the people driving to who knows where.

I wondered, what their stories were and suddenly I was making up a story for everyone I saw.

Maybe a mom going to pick up her kid and friends from the mall.

Maybe a dad coming home from work. Speeding a little bit because he wanted to see his kids before bedtime.

Maybe a girl going to see her long distance boyfriend she hasn't seen in a month.

Then, I saw this girl swaying out the line getting close to the wall, I'm sure it was texting or a little bit of drowsy driving, but my mind immediately went into a downward spiral.

Maybe it was a girl who was contemplating running into the concrete median because she just didn't care anymore, and wanted it to be over.

Maybe this man was going to cheat on his wife.

Maybe this woman just had a terrible fight with her husband and drove away because she couldn't handle it.

Maybe that guy just got let go from his job.

Maybe this girl just lost on of her parents and is driving to his funeral.

You never know what could be going on in others lives. I sat and realized this, and it made me wonder what terrible things had happened in this world to people.

And then a thought occurred to me.

What do people think when they look at me. Could they possibly guess me in a glance?

Some depressed looking chick staring out a window as her family conversed behind her.

Was she a stubborn bitch?

Was she the outcast in the family?

Who knows?

When

When I was a kid I went to school not have showering for a week, because for some reason I hated it. My mother would finally make me take a shower, and I groaned all the way downstairs into my bathroom.

When I was a kid I got good grades (not like it was that hard), read all the time, and did my homework instantly as I got home from school.

When I was a kid I believed what they told me and thought I could be anything I wanted to be.

When I was a kid I was the snotty runt of the family. The tattletale. Going to my mom about every move my older sisters made.

When I was kid I punched my friend in the face, made multiple of them cry, and was the biggest bitch you could ever meet for only being elementary school.

When I was a kid I was a mama's girl. Even though I was terrible my mom encouraged who I was.


Now, I don't just see clouds. I don't just see stars. I'm not talking about all that science crap.

I evolved into a dreamer. Someone who actually cares about other peoples feelings. Though obviously I still make mistakes.

I evolved into a messed up kid with depression, and eyeliner that covers my eyes preventing people to look into my soul because the pain inside may crush their existence completely.

My parents wish me to go back to the way I was.

"I know the true you is inside, and I want to bring it back out."

That's what they say.

You know what that is?

Complete and utter denial.

Their too stupid to faced the fact that I've changed.

Even though I was happier back then and didn't have a care in the world I would never go back.

As blissful as oblivion is, I'm glad I know the real world. I'm glad I've seen trials that overcome me and the people I love. Because guess what. Every single one of those people are still here today and they are so much stronger then who they were as kids.

Yes, over and over the trials seemed way to big for a simple teenager to prevail. Though it's gotten very rough. It's in the past.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. But I guess I just need to get this out.

You know words can get to people in a way nothing else can. Whether it's music or poetry or a book. It hits a place in your heart that everything else just skims over.

I love words.

Depression is...

Depression is just...how do I put this...well...worse then your newborn child getting killed in front of you and your husband. Followed with any fear you have coming true all simultaneously.

If your only fear is your child getting killed in front of you and your husband.

You're lucky.

(I'm trying to be non violent or gruesome. Sorry if that was too much.)

Depression affects all aspects of your life.

Sleep.

Social life.

Self Esteem.

Grades.

Your career.

It can really affect anything if you let it, but those are just a few I thought of.

It can push you to the point where you take your own life.

The way the world can twist life is truly horrid.

With depression you could have one of the best days of your life, and yet still you find yourself lying in your bed at night and you can't help but cry yourself to sleep while your mind digs deep inside you shoving things into your thoughts that you can't control. It makes everything seem so hopeless and wrong. Makes you feel like all this is just too much. Honestly, sometimes it is. Sometimes you can't help but roll yourself up into a little ball on the floor in a room with no windows and no lights.

Though there is a door. In the darkness you can't see it, but it's there. On the other side is a make shift paradise. It's far from perfect, but it's your happy place. The place where the stars shine bright. The moon battles the night shining everywhere it can see and touch. Yes, it makes shadows, but it makes them beautiful. It makes everything beautiful. A place where your fear can be right in front of your face, but you don't care, because you're in the one place you feel safe, and nothing can even begin to take you down.

Uncurl your soul, and search for the door where the air is fresh and crisp. You've been through enough. You deserve it.

If it takes a while to find the door, don't give up. It's there. You may have passed it over and over not realizes that, that is what you were feeling for, but you'll find it, and you'll finally achieve your hole in the wall paradise.

Alone

When every one has gone
And you're finally left alone
You're forced to face the truth
Fake smiles can come unsewn

You distract yourself and try to avoid
What's inside your blacked bones
You act like you are fine
But silence shows you your heart of crumbling stones

The guilt you have the love you found
Toss back and fourth if you made the right choice
Both things seem like they are meant to be
Though now you've hallowed out your voice

The supposed close ones that help you out
Have lost all faith in you
Words and actions so hurtful said to be love
Made you nothing but residue

They will never know what's under your skin
Patch up the bruises to hide the truth
You must not let someone heal your wounds
For hurt comes with that pursuit

Words To You (Hopefully you know who you are)

Dear Onion,

I have no idea how you will react to this, nor at what point in life you will get to reading this, but even so I have come to some strange conclusion in my head that this post should happen (good old 4:00 in the morning mind of mine.)

First of all, yes, you are now apparently named Onion...

No comment.

Now to my brain and the fact that I'm more insane then a mental institution.

Not sure where to start, but hey, technically I've already started.

(Remember this is at 4:00 in the morning...and I'm bad with words...please...)

How about...

I love you.

Those words are said too much, but I understand why, because these words cover what I can't say. If I could, I would go on and on in poetic words saying everything you meant to me, but unfortunately I'm no Shakespeare, in fact quite the opposite, so I'm stuck with a limit.

Also...

Thank you.

It's good that you're just as stubborn as me because you insist to know more about me, and while it may seem a lot of the time that I don't care, or that I have nothing to say. It's because there are so many words in my head I couldn't simply attempt to begin forming a sentence out of them.

--------------------

Now I'm going to try and express myself in most likely the weirdest way anyone ever has.

You are the beautiful sunsets that I love to watch in the fall.
You are the rare treat that appears in my school lunches every now and then.
You are driving with my music up all the way with the windows down on a clear night.
You are the feeling I get what I look up at the stars.
You are the smell of a new book.
You are Martinelli's and the holidays.
You are that feeling I get when I'm around puppies or babies.
You are the thing in my life that can stop time all together.
You are you.
And that is perfect.

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You asked me where my home was and fear crept inside me because at points I'm not sure, but when I think of my definition of home I can't help but associate it with the feeling I get when I'm in your arms. More specifically, when we hug and my head is on your chest hearing your heartbeat and you rest your chin on my head. Then as we pull away you kiss my forehead and then follow with a grin of a four year old.

I'm scared to tell you you are my home, but at the same time I must be honest. I'm young and immature, but in those moments it's the one time I truly feel safe. So excuse me if I'm wrong or assuming, but that's the way I feel.

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Something I've never said to you, but probably should, is that I love how you look on the world. How that comment about the family at Red Robin really stuck out to me. How you notice the world in a way people wouldn't think. It's hard to explain, but the way you see things amazes me. The way you react. The way you speak. How changed you can be in differing situations. I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. I guess I just wanted to say that you've surprised me.

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I'm not sure why I put this as a post, and this is a lot less poetic then I hoped it would be. Actions speak louder than words, and I know my actions aren't always the best, particularly my insensitivity in words and me not helping your asthma, but I wake up in the morning and I think of you. I go to bed at night and I'm still thinking of you. My day goes by and every now and then I get this smile on my face because I simply can't keep the thought of you from my mind.

I LOVE YOU!

I'm scared of the way I feel and am hesitant because of it, but it is a fact.


P.S.- Please tell me when you have read this because, well, it'd be nice to know.

P.P.S.- Again please remember I'm writing this at 4:00 in the morning, but I hope you get my point.

In This World

You know I'm a dreamer.

I look at the big things I want in life and know that I could be really happy doing these things and want to do everything in my power to get there.

But!

Sometimes I need to take a step back and remember the little things! Because, depending my happiness on things to come is dangerous. Never forget that noticing the little things is a good thing. I admit I forget about them a lot of the time. It's easy when things get bad to think about how different things will be in the future and how big changes will happen. Though honestly I have a lot of good things in life today. I get breaks from school, where it kind of seems like life stops for a bit and I can catch my breath. While I do count down the days for school to come back, I also appreciate what I get because in my dreams down the road I don't get breaks, and that's going to suck. Of course that is only one situation and there really are a ton out there.

I've never been good at being optimistic. At all. Which has made me think it's nearly impossible for me to ever be like that. Yes, I will always be negative in some things, thank you depression, but there is always a positive side to a situation. So maybe being a bit happier isn't as far as thought if slowly I start and try to back up for a second and look at the positive side of things. Who knows what could happen.

That's why New Years is my favorite holiday. It helps people feel like they can start over and realize that it's not too late to do what you want. It makes what seems impossible not so hard anymore. It makes you face yourself and make decisions that need to be made.

I'm not completely sure what I was going for in this post. Maybe I just wanted proof later on that the world can be good sometimes. Maybe it was something a bit deeper but a failed attempt to discover the true meaning of what going on inside my head.

I guess I'll just leave with the thought that I wonder how prepared I am for what's going to happen this year and just how many things will happen. I look back to who I was a year ago, and feel like my years are growing longer or getting filled with more and more things happening. Obviously I won't know until it happens, but I'm excited to explore and see what more I can learn about this truly insane world.

Day To Day

Day to day we live our lives, 

Telling ourselves lies,

And making up things just so we can breathe when we wake up in the morning.

We say everything is going to be alright, and we make promises we will never keep,

Because we want to keep them, 

Though even the greatest of people cannot defy the laws of life.

We go to school trying to cover up the bruises we get from home, 

Or maybe the fresh cuts from the night before, 

Saying one day this will all change and I'll be okay. 

One day I'll be free.

We get our hearts broken over and over,

Never really knowing the truth of what happened.

But we put a band aid over the hole is our hearts,

Telling ourselves one day we'll find someone who can fill the holes, 

And will pick us up and make us happy.

We dream that one day things will change,

That everything will be okay. 

But how does this happen?

One day do we just wake up and everything is different.

No.

We grow up dreaming of the day things will change, 

But guess what.

If you want things to change you got to get up and change it.

Things you do as a teenager will follow you through your life. 

They become habits and won't go away when you get what you want.

You can try to find yourself in your dreams,

But it won't work.

You have to look inside yourself and finally face what’s going on. 

Dissect your emotions.

Some situations you have to wait until you gain more control, 

But there is always something you can do to prepare, 

There is always an answer,

Though it may be vague. 

Just know you have to fight.

If you want to get what you want you have to live and breathe it. 

Work everyday for it, so one day you can prevail.

Never ever think someone is less than you, 

But again do not think someone is better than you.

Don't compare yourself to someone else, 

Because you are unique and comparing yourself is impossible.

Day to day we go through the motions of life, 

Living nearly the same day over and over. 

For people that is okay. 

But never forget you can make every day memorable by defying what society thinks, 

And not being scared to be unashamed of who you are.

We are humans.

We make mistakes.

We have emotions.

We will face hell.

But never let others bring you down.

Never let them hurt you.

Because one day everyone one who doubted you.

Everyone who called you names and told you who you were.

Everyone who dared try to control who you are.

They will realize they were wrong. 

Maybe they won't,

But you don't need their approval anyways.

Go ahead and look for that day.

But also look at where you are now,

And act. Live. Push on and fight.