My baby is growing. He's 25 months now. He's talking, he's playing, he's saying no. I try to get him outside at least once a day if not twice. But I still feel like I lacked in some way for him that day. I've struggled with being present with him, but its something i've really been working on, and it has been getting better. Even so I feel there's some sort of itch he has that he can't voice, and I have yet to find it. Or it's in a different spot everyday. Who knows. I'm trying. I care. I just hope that's enough.
I talked to one of my best friends for the first time in a long time tonight. It was good. I always like talking to him cuz I feel so comfortable around him. (Until after our conversation and I start to feel insecure and overanalyze) Things are changing. He's busy more. Has a girlfriend in his life he's pretty sure he's marrying. We're growing apart and I hate it. That's life though. People come and go. Sometimes they come back. Sometimes they don't. They always leave again tho. Somehow. Can't dwell on the inevitable. It will only drive you crazy.
My other best friend I haven't talked to in an actually long time. I don't know how she feels about me. I lent her some money she hasn't been able to pay back. Honestly I don't even care about the money. It seemed from the outside like her world was falling apart, and I just wanted to be there for her. I should've been there for her. But with a kid, and the father of my child who cares a whole lot about money took the priority, and instead I was asking her for the money back. Adding to the problem. At least that's how it felt for me. Now we don't talk. She hasn't opened my messages in months. All I want to know is if she's okay. I don't care about the money. I just want to say I'm sorry, and I miss her.
Me? I'm doing okay. I'm figuring things out, and reminding myself to stay strong. Reminding myself what's important in life. I hope I make it through okay. Right now though I just need to worry about making it through the day.
Funny how I find this blog again right when i'm finally feeling myself again.
3 years. For three years I've felt everything and nothing.
But I gotta be honest it's been longer than that.
7 years.
7 fucking years since i've written.
7 years since i've felt something strong enough to write about it.
Got caught up in a relationship and didn't let it die.
Until it killed me.
Until it made new life.
And here we are. With everything I need and everything I need to work through on my shoulders. At least they're lighter than they have been in a long time.
I'm back.
I'm here to write.
But most importantly I'm here to find my heart again.
Here to find the fire I once had inside me.
The independent bitch who didn't give a fuck. The girl who laughed when people called her stupid, because she knew the truth.
It's harder finding your way when the only person you have to talk to is your brain.
My brain hates me.
That one thing I'm now sure of.
It feels good.
It feels good to be back.
