Depression Meets Happiness

You're okay. You're okay.

Someone once told me that they say things to convince themselves it's a reality.
You're okay. 
I feel like I tried it, but I'm not really sure.
What's the word for being too damaged to do something that's so easy?
Broken?
I feel as though that word is too...sweet.
When I have crumpled to the floor because I'm crying too hard to stand. Broken is heavenly.
"But angel you have wings," my mind says.
"You can fly away from this."

No.

This isn't some illusion I have put myself in.
This isn't a choice I have made at all.
Anyone who willingly puts themselves through this when they have wings?
They're insane.
And I'm not insane...
Not in that way.
"Wait." my mind says.
"You are no angel."
"Angels are so much more than...this."
"You."
"You are from Hell."
"There cannot be anything even possibly heavenly in you."
Suddenly my mind starts disappearing like crayons in the hands of a three year old.
A voice entices me to look up.
To take that narrow minded view and toss it, because my crayons my mind thought so important are now useless stubs.
The voice tells me to look up into hopes eyes.
Hope. Saves me.
It wraps its arms around me, though still holding my gaze.
Hope. Brought happiness to meet my mind.
My mind resists and wants to cry in the corner about the lost crayons.
It missed the blacks and browns and greys that made such beautiful pictures.
But happiness wipes my minds tears and presents a new set of crayons.
Purples. Blues. Reds.
And so many shades in between.
Nothing my mind had ever seen.
And now my mind realizes it has finally found a friend.
Happiness is its view and hope is its home.
"I'm sorry." says my mind.
"I see now that you are more than Heaven or Hell."
"You are a phoenix. You now have wings larger than any angel. You are invincible. But that doesn't mean you won't burn. Trust me, you'll definitely burn, but don't worry. It only adds a fire in your eyes.  And when it gets so bad you turn to ash you will rise from those ashes even better than before. So stand up. Look up."