Goodbye.

It seems like a dream.

A mere hazy image that has little importance.

Though I'm not going to let it be that way.

Such a big part of my life has now slipped away and I feel more familiar with how fragile life is.

I walked in holding back my tears. Glad that he always seemed to come to me. He had to be lifted out of the car, but he was walking okay. Slowly but surely we made our way into the room. I couldn't tell you what the workers looked like, or what anyone in my family was wearing. I was focused on one thing, because it deserved all my attention in the last moments.

Tired. So tired. I could see it more then ever. I knew it was right, but that doesn't prevent the depression. I sat only to see him on the other side of the room. I hesitated, but luckily I got myself to stand up and go by his side. He put his head in my lap, and I tried to express my love to him. Let him know how much he meant to me.

Then I made a mistake.

I looked up to see my sisters' face. I saw that tears were beginning to fall down her face, and I felt a hole so deep in me that the universe was a mere sliver in time. My face began to feel hot, and my tears began.

I sat there crying with him in my arms, as the nurses came in. I hoped with all of my black heart that this is what he wanted, and that he was okay with it. I worried that he misunderstood.

Please. Please, dear God, no. Stop. Don't let this happen. I'm not ready.

I watched as the pink liquid slowly disappeared inside his veins.

Suddenly he was shaking. His breathes became hard and deep. His brother came over, and as they looked face to face, he finally understood and plummeted to panic.

As he took his final breathes. With his eyes shaking he looked up at me.

Gone.

I will never forget. 

Never will I let such a beautiful life go unnoticed.

I will always love you and never let you die in my heart.

Please know that.

Please.

My Dear Friend

They say a dog is mans best friend,

But best friends are never supposed to leave you.

Two days.

That's it.

Then a life will end.

A life that doesn't deserve to end.

The worst part is, I'll never get to know what he thinks of me. I'll never know if he knew I loved him. Two days, and then the world will have any irreplaceable empty space. He is the first dog I had, and yet I can't even remember the times I had with him.

It's torture.

It's pain.

But if we didn't do this, he would be the one feeling the torture and pain, and that is something I refuse to let happen.

It's already gotten bad. The pink around his whiskers. He's skinnier then he's ever been. His legs give out, and he shakes uncontrollably sometimes.

I know it's the best thing to do.

But I don't want to let him go.

Nothing But Dead Ends

What was I thinking!?

I admitted to myself that I loved you.

You influenced my life when you weren't even there.

I let my feelings for you encapsulate me.

I WAS SO WRONG!

I WAS AN IDIOT!

I became a fool thinking love can exist.

It's just an illusion.

A stupid meaningless illusion.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?

What? You didn't want to hurt me in the first place? Well then you should've just left me alone in the first place. So might as well just tell me the truth now. You've already broken me, and I'm scared I cannot be repaired.

I went through every possibility trying to make sense of it all. At least every possibility that involved you caring about me. I thought you did. As usual though I couldn't have been more wrong. Everything we ever were just hit dead ends.

No explanation.

No honesty.

Just the fool that I am and another all that I've run into.

Head on.

Well let me tell you:

My face and heart and bruised from running into your walls. I wanted you to let me in, but you didn't want me one bit. I don't know what I was to you. Somewhere along the lines of insignificant.

So I'm finally done with you.

Done with your lies, and your stupid manipulative personality.

You almost broke me, but you failed. Though you tried hard.

I'm strong.

I'm beautiful.

I'm courageous.

I'm perfect in my own little way.

I don't need you.

You gave me an illusion thinking I did, but I couldn't have been more wrong to follow you.

I'm my own person, and I have such a high potential, and I'm going to get up to it.

No more depending on others.

I'm my own person.

I. Am. Absolute.

Courageous

I am what I am,
So i'll do what I can.
I'll speak my no's,
And consider the pros.

Inspired

I speak,
But the words I say aren't real.
In my head I see the truth,
Though it will never be spoken.

I look into her eyes,
Deep into her smile.
Trying to decipher the unknown.
Hoping that what I wish is behind the curtain.

Misunderstood.
Misunderstanding.
Assumptions take over, though I do not know it.
All I can do is lock my emotion away.

The truth can't exist.
Fear is too free.
Too much talking may scare her away,
And I'd rather have little than nothing at all.

Home

A home is not a house.

If you mess up and say they are the same thing. You are so far from right that I may punch you in the face.

A house is where you live. There you eat, sleep, watch T.V., and do whatever to get life off your mind. It may be a place where you have your own little room, where you can read, dance, and sing and hope that nothing outside will ever see what you do.

But that's just the thing. It's a place.

"Home is where the heart is."

So tell me. Where is your heart?

Does your heart eat and sleep with you? Or is your heart somewhere else dreaming. When you eat is your heart over crying in a corner far away because it can't stand to see you eat alone? When you sleep is your heart with you? Or is it prancing around in your dreams with everything you wish was right. When you watch T.V. is your heart engulfed in what your watching wishing to be far away from your life today living in a world where that guy and girl always find each other, and where your friends are true and no matter what goes wrong in all turns out in the end.

My heart is just like that.

So then where is my home?

I can tell you. No matter how confused and messed up I am. I can tell you where my home is.

It's the one place in my life I fully deem noteworthy. A place where everything can exist that never could in any other place.

It's my place.

It's where I'm not afraid of the dark. Where my friends are true and stand by me no matter what. It's where I feel I have a family no matter the holes in relationships with one another. It's where hope and terror can coexist. It's where there is nostalgia and longing. It's where there are no regrets no matter what. It's where a girl living in the deepest hole that she's been digging her whole life can have a boy that will jump in to talk to her. Where two people that could never seem to be could meet and see each other and know there was something there.

Every emotion has been felt there by me and every other human being that knows the truth behind those walls. Way back to the beginning. Something that one person could never see everything, but you know it's there.

So where is my heart? With my place? Or with him?

Where is my home?

At the end of this post my feelings are not the same as they were in the middle.

I feel as though one is my home, and one is my heart.

So maybe I don't know where my home is, and now me typing feels meaningless.

A lot of the time I say what I think either for myself or to try and help others.

Though one word has left me babbling and speechless.

Not house.

Home.