Realize

Fact: Most parents suck at dealing with their children.

Yes, there are those few people that you know that have awesome parents. Though others tend to, lets say, crush their kids dreams. That's putting that nicely. It may be easy for parents to shove shit in their kid’s faces, because that what kids do in the first place. They push away and make parents feel like they mean nothing, but honestly deep, deep down inside - at least for me - I really do what my parents to be proud of me and accept who I am and who I want to be. 

See something really important to me is moving out when I'm 18. I'm a dreamer (as I have stated), and honestly this is how I would want my life to be as of turning 19:

First off I'd be living alone for a year by then. That may sound sad, but I want it at least for a few years. Also I wouldn't be completely alone. I'd have a dog if I had the money, even if it meant me eating ramen for every meal, and only eating one meal a day. That's love. Just in case you were wondering. I would have as many bookshelves as I possibly could on my walls in my tiny little run-down home. Except one little corner that would be decked out with all comfy fluff possible. I'd have a job. I'd be in school in good ol rainy Seattle, and yes it wouldn't be perfect, I'd have the stress, the depression, the thoughts that can never cease. Though for once in me life things would be my way. My rules. No one telling me who to be. Give me a one-room place where my food comes from a microwave on a floor and a bass station across the street. Give me spiders in my walls, and mice chewing holes in the moldy walls.  I don't care. Just along with it please grant my one wish. My life to be my own. I'll be in the armpit of the city sure, why not? It only makes me be able to climb higher, because guess what, no matter what people say, I will prove them wrong, I can be anything I want to be, and I will prevail, and all the people in this world who doubt me will realize that they put their money on the wrong horse. 

Sure you still got something out of it because you stuck with the person that was successful, and happy. Regular lifestyle. 

But me? I'm one of those that can't stand the regular lifestyle. My mind dreams too big for that. Yes, that can't hurt me, but it can also make me stronger then the other guy whose merely trying to get something because it could be useful, or provide for them. 

I want to start and end every year I live in different places. Why? because I'm insane. I want to see the world and get that feeling that you get when you look on a situation that you're in and know that you're in the right place because you feel like you're on top of the world. That you would take a bullet for everyone around you and would not hesitate to say that they all would for you. It's a point where you really feel that true happiness, and understand that this is where you want to be, and this is what you want to strive for, because no matter how much the scenery changes, you will always have your memories and your feelings. So screw the status quo. Go through life making memories you want to remember. Surround yourself with the things that always make you happy, because in the end those are the things you remember the most. Do what you want in the moment and forget about the past if you made the wrong choice. Try your best and move on, because life doesn't give you the choice of going back. Deal with it. Act on what you know, and strive to know more. Otherwise your life is being wasted. 

Go sow that on a pillow so you can look at it everyday and wish, or grab a pen and write it as fast as you can on your arm and live it.

I Am Real

I am real,
When I cry in the corner it's because I feel.
Though it's not always sad, and its not always right,
It's what helps me put the scissors down and go to bed at night.

I'll make mistakes, I'll change my ways,
I'll be drowning in sorrow, I'll be livid for days.
Like a mirror I can shatter, like a building I'll collapse,
But I'll try to build even higher, before I relapse.

Life is a stage so write you're own play,
Shape it, mold it, restart, you got enough clay.
If you want to be remembered, step up and believe,
Fight until you die, and you will achieve.

But always remember your heart and yourself,
Never forget the people who helped,
Because when you lay down to look inside and heal,
You'll always want to truthfully say, "I am real."

Stars Are Gone

The clouds are covering the stars tonight.

I can't see them shine.

Are they there?

It's too hard to believe that they're there.

Lost

Now I know why I wanted to act on my friends offer today.

I want to forget.

I can't hold this life anymore.

You wanna know what I see?

Or to be more exact, what I  don't see.

I don't see myself waking up in the morning tomorrow.

I don't see myself welcoming another year of Hell.

I don't see myself getting out of this school year.

I don't see my dreams coming true next year.

Above all.

I don't see myself living past eighteen.

That goes along with the word impossible.

I've said not to be worried, but I feel like that was more for myself than anyone else.

I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm worried, I'm a wall, I'm two different people, I'm confused, I'm never going to get out of this. I'm not gonna fall in love with falling. I'm a suicidal head case. I'm only an addict with a pen. I'm the lowest I've been in the longest time.

I'm worthless.

To the Jackasses

You look down on me,
We both know it is true,
But you are blind to see,
It makes me not young, but you.

You think you know it all,
More than I ever will,
But I'll get to my ball,
And your world will become still.

You cross the lines you see as worthless,
Oblivious to the scene,
You threaten with no purpose,
Because you a bully, an ass, a fiend.

Sure you have the power now,
But you'll only make me strong,
I will stand and you'll whisper "how?"
And realize you were wrong.

Ghost

Invisibly,
I walk these halls,
Nobody seems to see me.
I thought myself beautiful,
Thought I could change the world,
But it's hard when nobody believes in me.

A ghost,
A demon,
That's all I'll ever become.
Fake noticing,
Fake caring,
It's not real with anyone.

Days to weeks,
Weeks to years,
I try, but it will not change.
My fate is set,
Nothing more to do,
Not ment to see my next stage.

No life,
No more,
If I can pull it off.
If not?
No words,
No friends, just stop.

If I can not kill my life today,
The solution is merely to push it away.

Fix

I'm to the point where the only way I can be who I want to be someone needs to open me up and fix the gears that keep me running.

What can you do when it's not your fault and it's just a malfunction and the repair shop is out of what you need.

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can sit there and wait as slowly, that one malfunction tears your insides into dust.

Though it doesn't end there.

Spiders crawl inside you and make a little home for themselves.

At least you're good for something.

Finally.


You'll sit in that chair maybe for forever, because guess what.

No one notices you're gone.

No one cares.

You were just too old and broken.

Everyday you went out into life believing, knowing, that things were going to get better. Though it's turns out that it was all a lie. Because you were a dreamer. You were too much of a dreamer. You never realized that people die before they become happy. Others were happy, but stayed alive to long so their lives got messed up all over again.

So please give me the answer to this question:

Where do you draw the line?

Honestly why not kill yourself when you're happy. When life gives you a little mercy.

You know it's gonna get bad again, so end it happy.

Because you will never get out of this.

You are simply doomed to the depths of Hell. Oh, you can try to crawl out. Try, until all your nails fall and break off. To the point where your hands show more inside then out. You can't go on. No matter what you try you won't get out and it will only cause more blood to drip to the ground fertilizing your soon to be grave.

All because you weren't good enough.

You couldn't do anything because you needed to be fixed.

Broken you are, and broken you will stay.

Where the Truth Runs Free

Fear is a powerful force.

Wanna know how I know?

Because, I'M SCARED.

I have more fear in my then bones and blood.

Scared of my parents, and even more so becoming them.

Scared of what I have to go through to get to my home.

Scared of the words that keep on popping up in my mind, but I can't face.

Scared of California happening all over again.

Scared of the monster inside.

Scared of myself.

Scared of the little amount of potential I could have.

Scared that if I bow to others will I will become who I never want to be.

Scared that if in success I lose myself and my views and what I believe. I mean yeah, I don't 100% like who I am now, but I like where I stand in many things and how I live in a certain strange way. Though what happens if I pursue a different lifestyle that will help me in life. What if I can't figure it out.

But what if I never change? What happens when I can't go on, and it's all my fault. What if I remain the child who can't admit and can't lose control.

What if I'm trying to swim to the surface as I run out of breath but it turns out I was merely going deeper and deeper to meet my death.

I'll be building an illusion while all is does is tear down the things that are actually concrete.

Fear rules my life.

And it will never go away.

100% Not For You

I'm going to rant for an unknown amount of time, and this is the only place I can do it. Because guess what. Here I can say whatever the hell I want and no one can talk back, no one can tell me I'm wrong and no one can tell me how to live or what I should do.

Guess what. I've made up my mind on a few simple things. One is that I don't want any religion in my life. None. Zip. Zero. Usually I can be okay with it around me since I live in mormonville, but it's not easy, and sometimes I can get extremely pissed off and sad about it.

So you can pardon these next words if you wish. I'm just in need for writing about it right now due to the fact that I don't know where else I can go.

So, first of all I have lived in mormonville my whole life besides my first year being in California. I have always been going to the church and rarely miss days. When I was younger I didn't care, it was merely a part of my oblivious life. Though I got older. Around the time I turned twelve I started to wonder what the point of religion was and grew tired of the constant strange way of life. Progressing to now where I am sixteen, and so done with it all.

My family of course does not understand (usual teenager quote) at all in the fact that I don't want to be part of the church.

Today my mom found out that I missed one day of seminary and took me home from school and grounded me. Though she was at work so I got stuck with my dad.

Now the amount of stupidity in the lecture on the way home was more then my brain can even comprehend. Just complete through and through stupidity.

This is the part where I quote a couple things he said, and rant about them. (I'm a teenage girl. Deal with it)

Let's start out with this quote:

"It doesn't matter what you think. You either choose to believe or you don't."

What in the name of all Hell are you talking about??

In the first place it is not that simple. I cannot just mindlessly choose something that will influence every aspect of my life. Congratulations is you're that stupid, but I'm not so no thank you. Not to mention the amount of doubt I have in my mind about anything to do with religion or any type of bigger meaning shit. I like to live by what I know, and that is that I'm here and I want to be happy. I really don't give a damn about anything else. At all. I am 100% incapable of just choosing to believe in anything.

"And you have to face the consequences of you're decision. Like if you choose to be part of the church you will be happy and have an easy life. While if you choose not to you won't be happy, and will have a lot of problems."

Excuse my language but hey, FUCK YOU!

It's great that you found "happiness" in your little way of life, but stop shoving it in my face. Because guess what, I'm not stupid enough to find happiness in this life of yours. Your life consists of not going to work, watching t.v. on your fat ass, eating constantly on your diet that isn't working, having a shitty relationship with your wife, and of course we can never forget your temper. (Thanks for the genetics.) That makes you happy? Well whoop de doo. Throw yourself a party while you continue to take naps at 3:00 in the afternoon when you just woke up an hour before hand.

Your religion does not define who is happy and who is not. In fact I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if everyone I knew in your religion ended up in an insane asylum.  You mean to tell me that the very small percent of the people in your religion are the only happy people on this planet? And if I don't "choose" it I will never be happy?

There is definitely something wrong with you.

Anyone can be happy, with or without your religion. Because your religion doesn't matter. It's an excuse people use to be a "good person" and honestly you're not a good person.

I want to be a genuinely good person without the stupid excuses.
I know what makes me happy and I follow it.
I am only happy when I'm not around your religion.
I have my own life so you should really stop trying to control it and move on.
I don't care how much sense this post makes because I finally got to voice myself.

Screw you.

Screw your religion.

Screw life.

Oh and one more thing.

You make me sad enough to kill myself.

Congratulations.

Doubt

Is doubt a good thing or a bad thing.

Does it make you miss out on the good times you could have?

Or does it protect you from getting hurt?

I can't believe in anything because a big characteristic in my personality is doubting everything I know. Everything I've learned, and everyone close to me.

Wanna know why I don't believe in science, history, religion, math, EVERYTHING. It's because my mind can only take simple. I may say it's because it ruins the beauty of the natural, and it does, but honestly it's because I'm incapable of not doubting everything. That's why I don't think about life and just live it. My brain can't handle anything more. It may seem like I'm some strange person who knows what she believes in and it's just different than everyone else but it's not. I can never be 100% sure about anything, even if it's right in my face.

So no it's not a good thing. Because of it I have fears pouring out the windows of my soul.

Fears:

I can't love.
People around me are a lie.
I'm going to lose everyone around my because I'm so unstable.
Talking about my problems.
Ruining others lives by being myself.
Who I truly am.
Will I ever be happy.
Will I ever live past 18.
Will I get into college.
Can I be who I want to be.
Is it all a lie.
Can I trust it.
Getting hurt.
Talking to my parents about anything.
Speaking.
Getting up in the morning.
Myself.
Parents.
Facing myself.
How unstable I really am.
Being bipolar.
How many mental problems I really have.
What I let define me.
Will I ever have courage.
Will I ever be able to make the people around me happy.
Will I ever realize that being there for everyone is impossible.
Will I ever be there for myself.
Will my parents ever accept me.
All the problems I have, can, and will cause.
Can I take on life.
How this is only the beginning.
I'm insane.
Can't control myself.
Can't logically think.
Friends.
Boyfriends.
Is she right?
Who can I trust.
Getting too attached.
Teachers.
Grades.
Being wrong.
Not being strong enough.
My oblivion.
How many people are going to push me away and give up on me.
Can I do this.


The world always says that life is an uphill battle, and it's all about reaching the top. Though you can never stay on a hill forever. No matter what hill you run into, you have to go down after you go up. Sure you could camp out and never go off that hill, but then all you have is isolation. You miss everything that goes on in the life below you pressing pause on everything you knew. Though that does sound pretty nice. Maybe the uphill battle ends when you finally realize you got to stop when you're on the top of hill and not press forward for what you believe is on the other side. Face the fact that it's not there and sit down. Camp out. Stop thinking and accept it.

Happiness

What is happiness?

Does it exist?

No matter whose life you look into you see a strive for happiness. That's what we all want on our death bed's. If it's in money, friends, family, your career. Anything. All we want it to die knowing that we achieved true happiness.

But tell me.

Have you ever thought,

What if it doesn't exist?

What if the people who commit suicide are merely the smart ones who have figured out the truth. The ones who stopped drowning in oblivion.

What if it's all a lie.

A god?

If so he only created us to watch us squirm.

Don't give me that shit that he actually cares and puts us through trials so we become stronger. If that was true why would people commit suicide in the first place. They don't become stronger. They leave this terrible world and never look back.

So maybe we're the fools.

Working everyday for this image we have in our heads, but have we ever really seen it on this Earth? Have we seen someone who is truly happy? Will there ever be a time when the nagging stops and it's simply peace and true happiness that no one can break or even crack.

Oh wait.

That sounds a bit too much like death.

Maybe the best people have the worst problems because life is trying to hint that we should stop trying.

Are the happy times good enough to block out the bad?

Maybe some people achieve the happy image in their head, but it turned out being worse then they thought it would be, so the bad is even worse.

We're all blind in outer space wishing for land, but when we finally meet gravity so close to sweet victory. We speed until we burn up, and by the time we've met land we're ash.

In the story of Pandora's Box when she opens the box and all these terrible things come out with the weak hope left inside. Pandora helps hope out to save the people from all the bad things. Though maybe, just maybe, hope was the worst of them all. Seeming to be nice and comforting it is the reason we build ourselves up just to get torn back down. We end up hoping for things we simply cannot reach.

No matter what people say it all comes down to true happiness.

Does it exist?

Should we keep fighting?

Or is it another illusion formed by the clouds around our heads? Where hell just needs to rain down to make it disappear so we see for once that it's all a lie.