Realize

Fact: Most parents suck at dealing with their children.

Yes, there are those few people that you know that have awesome parents. Though others tend to, lets say, crush their kids dreams. That's putting that nicely. It may be easy for parents to shove shit in their kid’s faces, because that what kids do in the first place. They push away and make parents feel like they mean nothing, but honestly deep, deep down inside - at least for me - I really do what my parents to be proud of me and accept who I am and who I want to be. 

See something really important to me is moving out when I'm 18. I'm a dreamer (as I have stated), and honestly this is how I would want my life to be as of turning 19:

First off I'd be living alone for a year by then. That may sound sad, but I want it at least for a few years. Also I wouldn't be completely alone. I'd have a dog if I had the money, even if it meant me eating ramen for every meal, and only eating one meal a day. That's love. Just in case you were wondering. I would have as many bookshelves as I possibly could on my walls in my tiny little run-down home. Except one little corner that would be decked out with all comfy fluff possible. I'd have a job. I'd be in school in good ol rainy Seattle, and yes it wouldn't be perfect, I'd have the stress, the depression, the thoughts that can never cease. Though for once in me life things would be my way. My rules. No one telling me who to be. Give me a one-room place where my food comes from a microwave on a floor and a bass station across the street. Give me spiders in my walls, and mice chewing holes in the moldy walls.  I don't care. Just along with it please grant my one wish. My life to be my own. I'll be in the armpit of the city sure, why not? It only makes me be able to climb higher, because guess what, no matter what people say, I will prove them wrong, I can be anything I want to be, and I will prevail, and all the people in this world who doubt me will realize that they put their money on the wrong horse. 

Sure you still got something out of it because you stuck with the person that was successful, and happy. Regular lifestyle. 

But me? I'm one of those that can't stand the regular lifestyle. My mind dreams too big for that. Yes, that can't hurt me, but it can also make me stronger then the other guy whose merely trying to get something because it could be useful, or provide for them. 

I want to start and end every year I live in different places. Why? because I'm insane. I want to see the world and get that feeling that you get when you look on a situation that you're in and know that you're in the right place because you feel like you're on top of the world. That you would take a bullet for everyone around you and would not hesitate to say that they all would for you. It's a point where you really feel that true happiness, and understand that this is where you want to be, and this is what you want to strive for, because no matter how much the scenery changes, you will always have your memories and your feelings. So screw the status quo. Go through life making memories you want to remember. Surround yourself with the things that always make you happy, because in the end those are the things you remember the most. Do what you want in the moment and forget about the past if you made the wrong choice. Try your best and move on, because life doesn't give you the choice of going back. Deal with it. Act on what you know, and strive to know more. Otherwise your life is being wasted. 

Go sow that on a pillow so you can look at it everyday and wish, or grab a pen and write it as fast as you can on your arm and live it.

I Am Real

I am real,
When I cry in the corner it's because I feel.
Though it's not always sad, and its not always right,
It's what helps me put the scissors down and go to bed at night.

I'll make mistakes, I'll change my ways,
I'll be drowning in sorrow, I'll be livid for days.
Like a mirror I can shatter, like a building I'll collapse,
But I'll try to build even higher, before I relapse.

Life is a stage so write you're own play,
Shape it, mold it, restart, you got enough clay.
If you want to be remembered, step up and believe,
Fight until you die, and you will achieve.

But always remember your heart and yourself,
Never forget the people who helped,
Because when you lay down to look inside and heal,
You'll always want to truthfully say, "I am real."

Stars Are Gone

The clouds are covering the stars tonight.

I can't see them shine.

Are they there?

It's too hard to believe that they're there.

Lost

Now I know why I wanted to act on my friends offer today.

I want to forget.

I can't hold this life anymore.

You wanna know what I see?

Or to be more exact, what I  don't see.

I don't see myself waking up in the morning tomorrow.

I don't see myself welcoming another year of Hell.

I don't see myself getting out of this school year.

I don't see my dreams coming true next year.

Above all.

I don't see myself living past eighteen.

That goes along with the word impossible.

I've said not to be worried, but I feel like that was more for myself than anyone else.

I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm worried, I'm a wall, I'm two different people, I'm confused, I'm never going to get out of this. I'm not gonna fall in love with falling. I'm a suicidal head case. I'm only an addict with a pen. I'm the lowest I've been in the longest time.

I'm worthless.

To the Jackasses

You look down on me,
We both know it is true,
But you are blind to see,
It makes me not young, but you.

You think you know it all,
More than I ever will,
But I'll get to my ball,
And your world will become still.

You cross the lines you see as worthless,
Oblivious to the scene,
You threaten with no purpose,
Because you a bully, an ass, a fiend.

Sure you have the power now,
But you'll only make me strong,
I will stand and you'll whisper "how?"
And realize you were wrong.

Ghost

Invisibly,
I walk these halls,
Nobody seems to see me.
I thought myself beautiful,
Thought I could change the world,
But it's hard when nobody believes in me.

A ghost,
A demon,
That's all I'll ever become.
Fake noticing,
Fake caring,
It's not real with anyone.

Days to weeks,
Weeks to years,
I try, but it will not change.
My fate is set,
Nothing more to do,
Not ment to see my next stage.

No life,
No more,
If I can pull it off.
If not?
No words,
No friends, just stop.

If I can not kill my life today,
The solution is merely to push it away.

Fix

I'm to the point where the only way I can be who I want to be someone needs to open me up and fix the gears that keep me running.

What can you do when it's not your fault and it's just a malfunction and the repair shop is out of what you need.

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can sit there and wait as slowly, that one malfunction tears your insides into dust.

Though it doesn't end there.

Spiders crawl inside you and make a little home for themselves.

At least you're good for something.

Finally.


You'll sit in that chair maybe for forever, because guess what.

No one notices you're gone.

No one cares.

You were just too old and broken.

Everyday you went out into life believing, knowing, that things were going to get better. Though it's turns out that it was all a lie. Because you were a dreamer. You were too much of a dreamer. You never realized that people die before they become happy. Others were happy, but stayed alive to long so their lives got messed up all over again.

So please give me the answer to this question:

Where do you draw the line?

Honestly why not kill yourself when you're happy. When life gives you a little mercy.

You know it's gonna get bad again, so end it happy.

Because you will never get out of this.

You are simply doomed to the depths of Hell. Oh, you can try to crawl out. Try, until all your nails fall and break off. To the point where your hands show more inside then out. You can't go on. No matter what you try you won't get out and it will only cause more blood to drip to the ground fertilizing your soon to be grave.

All because you weren't good enough.

You couldn't do anything because you needed to be fixed.

Broken you are, and broken you will stay.

Where the Truth Runs Free

Fear is a powerful force.

Wanna know how I know?

Because, I'M SCARED.

I have more fear in my then bones and blood.

Scared of my parents, and even more so becoming them.

Scared of what I have to go through to get to my home.

Scared of the words that keep on popping up in my mind, but I can't face.

Scared of California happening all over again.

Scared of the monster inside.

Scared of myself.

Scared of the little amount of potential I could have.

Scared that if I bow to others will I will become who I never want to be.

Scared that if in success I lose myself and my views and what I believe. I mean yeah, I don't 100% like who I am now, but I like where I stand in many things and how I live in a certain strange way. Though what happens if I pursue a different lifestyle that will help me in life. What if I can't figure it out.

But what if I never change? What happens when I can't go on, and it's all my fault. What if I remain the child who can't admit and can't lose control.

What if I'm trying to swim to the surface as I run out of breath but it turns out I was merely going deeper and deeper to meet my death.

I'll be building an illusion while all is does is tear down the things that are actually concrete.

Fear rules my life.

And it will never go away.

100% Not For You

I'm going to rant for an unknown amount of time, and this is the only place I can do it. Because guess what. Here I can say whatever the hell I want and no one can talk back, no one can tell me I'm wrong and no one can tell me how to live or what I should do.

Guess what. I've made up my mind on a few simple things. One is that I don't want any religion in my life. None. Zip. Zero. Usually I can be okay with it around me since I live in mormonville, but it's not easy, and sometimes I can get extremely pissed off and sad about it.

So you can pardon these next words if you wish. I'm just in need for writing about it right now due to the fact that I don't know where else I can go.

So, first of all I have lived in mormonville my whole life besides my first year being in California. I have always been going to the church and rarely miss days. When I was younger I didn't care, it was merely a part of my oblivious life. Though I got older. Around the time I turned twelve I started to wonder what the point of religion was and grew tired of the constant strange way of life. Progressing to now where I am sixteen, and so done with it all.

My family of course does not understand (usual teenager quote) at all in the fact that I don't want to be part of the church.

Today my mom found out that I missed one day of seminary and took me home from school and grounded me. Though she was at work so I got stuck with my dad.

Now the amount of stupidity in the lecture on the way home was more then my brain can even comprehend. Just complete through and through stupidity.

This is the part where I quote a couple things he said, and rant about them. (I'm a teenage girl. Deal with it)

Let's start out with this quote:

"It doesn't matter what you think. You either choose to believe or you don't."

What in the name of all Hell are you talking about??

In the first place it is not that simple. I cannot just mindlessly choose something that will influence every aspect of my life. Congratulations is you're that stupid, but I'm not so no thank you. Not to mention the amount of doubt I have in my mind about anything to do with religion or any type of bigger meaning shit. I like to live by what I know, and that is that I'm here and I want to be happy. I really don't give a damn about anything else. At all. I am 100% incapable of just choosing to believe in anything.

"And you have to face the consequences of you're decision. Like if you choose to be part of the church you will be happy and have an easy life. While if you choose not to you won't be happy, and will have a lot of problems."

Excuse my language but hey, FUCK YOU!

It's great that you found "happiness" in your little way of life, but stop shoving it in my face. Because guess what, I'm not stupid enough to find happiness in this life of yours. Your life consists of not going to work, watching t.v. on your fat ass, eating constantly on your diet that isn't working, having a shitty relationship with your wife, and of course we can never forget your temper. (Thanks for the genetics.) That makes you happy? Well whoop de doo. Throw yourself a party while you continue to take naps at 3:00 in the afternoon when you just woke up an hour before hand.

Your religion does not define who is happy and who is not. In fact I genuinely wouldn't be surprised if everyone I knew in your religion ended up in an insane asylum.  You mean to tell me that the very small percent of the people in your religion are the only happy people on this planet? And if I don't "choose" it I will never be happy?

There is definitely something wrong with you.

Anyone can be happy, with or without your religion. Because your religion doesn't matter. It's an excuse people use to be a "good person" and honestly you're not a good person.

I want to be a genuinely good person without the stupid excuses.
I know what makes me happy and I follow it.
I am only happy when I'm not around your religion.
I have my own life so you should really stop trying to control it and move on.
I don't care how much sense this post makes because I finally got to voice myself.

Screw you.

Screw your religion.

Screw life.

Oh and one more thing.

You make me sad enough to kill myself.

Congratulations.

Doubt

Is doubt a good thing or a bad thing.

Does it make you miss out on the good times you could have?

Or does it protect you from getting hurt?

I can't believe in anything because a big characteristic in my personality is doubting everything I know. Everything I've learned, and everyone close to me.

Wanna know why I don't believe in science, history, religion, math, EVERYTHING. It's because my mind can only take simple. I may say it's because it ruins the beauty of the natural, and it does, but honestly it's because I'm incapable of not doubting everything. That's why I don't think about life and just live it. My brain can't handle anything more. It may seem like I'm some strange person who knows what she believes in and it's just different than everyone else but it's not. I can never be 100% sure about anything, even if it's right in my face.

So no it's not a good thing. Because of it I have fears pouring out the windows of my soul.

Fears:

I can't love.
People around me are a lie.
I'm going to lose everyone around my because I'm so unstable.
Talking about my problems.
Ruining others lives by being myself.
Who I truly am.
Will I ever be happy.
Will I ever live past 18.
Will I get into college.
Can I be who I want to be.
Is it all a lie.
Can I trust it.
Getting hurt.
Talking to my parents about anything.
Speaking.
Getting up in the morning.
Myself.
Parents.
Facing myself.
How unstable I really am.
Being bipolar.
How many mental problems I really have.
What I let define me.
Will I ever have courage.
Will I ever be able to make the people around me happy.
Will I ever realize that being there for everyone is impossible.
Will I ever be there for myself.
Will my parents ever accept me.
All the problems I have, can, and will cause.
Can I take on life.
How this is only the beginning.
I'm insane.
Can't control myself.
Can't logically think.
Friends.
Boyfriends.
Is she right?
Who can I trust.
Getting too attached.
Teachers.
Grades.
Being wrong.
Not being strong enough.
My oblivion.
How many people are going to push me away and give up on me.
Can I do this.


The world always says that life is an uphill battle, and it's all about reaching the top. Though you can never stay on a hill forever. No matter what hill you run into, you have to go down after you go up. Sure you could camp out and never go off that hill, but then all you have is isolation. You miss everything that goes on in the life below you pressing pause on everything you knew. Though that does sound pretty nice. Maybe the uphill battle ends when you finally realize you got to stop when you're on the top of hill and not press forward for what you believe is on the other side. Face the fact that it's not there and sit down. Camp out. Stop thinking and accept it.

Happiness

What is happiness?

Does it exist?

No matter whose life you look into you see a strive for happiness. That's what we all want on our death bed's. If it's in money, friends, family, your career. Anything. All we want it to die knowing that we achieved true happiness.

But tell me.

Have you ever thought,

What if it doesn't exist?

What if the people who commit suicide are merely the smart ones who have figured out the truth. The ones who stopped drowning in oblivion.

What if it's all a lie.

A god?

If so he only created us to watch us squirm.

Don't give me that shit that he actually cares and puts us through trials so we become stronger. If that was true why would people commit suicide in the first place. They don't become stronger. They leave this terrible world and never look back.

So maybe we're the fools.

Working everyday for this image we have in our heads, but have we ever really seen it on this Earth? Have we seen someone who is truly happy? Will there ever be a time when the nagging stops and it's simply peace and true happiness that no one can break or even crack.

Oh wait.

That sounds a bit too much like death.

Maybe the best people have the worst problems because life is trying to hint that we should stop trying.

Are the happy times good enough to block out the bad?

Maybe some people achieve the happy image in their head, but it turned out being worse then they thought it would be, so the bad is even worse.

We're all blind in outer space wishing for land, but when we finally meet gravity so close to sweet victory. We speed until we burn up, and by the time we've met land we're ash.

In the story of Pandora's Box when she opens the box and all these terrible things come out with the weak hope left inside. Pandora helps hope out to save the people from all the bad things. Though maybe, just maybe, hope was the worst of them all. Seeming to be nice and comforting it is the reason we build ourselves up just to get torn back down. We end up hoping for things we simply cannot reach.

No matter what people say it all comes down to true happiness.

Does it exist?

Should we keep fighting?

Or is it another illusion formed by the clouds around our heads? Where hell just needs to rain down to make it disappear so we see for once that it's all a lie.

Fall

As the leaves fall, so do I.

I thought I was surrounded by light.
Green and alive,
Knowing everything was going to be okay.
I had my place and nowhere else.
I was simply me,
And nothing more.

I had a purpose,
And knew my purpose.
Achieved my potential.
Knew my potential.
Mistakes didn't happen.
I could make everyone around my happy.

As soon as I stood,
I turned.
I became ugly.
Life degraded me into a mere inconvenience.
The windows shut.
I couldn't see inside anymore.

Finally,
To weak to bear it,
I hit the ground in my dead withered body.
Completely helpless.
I await in this state until I easily crunch with a step.
Turned to dust by the lightest of life.

Never again to be.
Forgotten.
Though was I ever noticed in the first place?
What was I?
An object?
A step?

Maybe an obstacle. Tearing down everything it touches.

Hopeless

Did you know?
That love can die?
Can wither into dust?
Not just a love,
But pure, true love.
Like metal, it can rust.

Did you know?
I believed in love.
I thought it was the world.
It was my home,
It was my life,
Before gone went the girl.

Did you know?
She was a friend.
One I'll never forget.
Now love has died,
And left a shell,
Holding one regret.

Did you know?
Love can't be fixed.
Because it never existed.
It was a lie.
For my oblivious life.
And back I cannot change it.

Did you know?
That I still love.
Because I long for the past.
Before mistakes,
When love was returned.
I thought true love could last.

To This Day

"How can you stand your ground when everyone wants to burry you beneath it?"

Only For Me

No more, no more,
Dear God, no more.
My fall, my fault,
It's time to go.

No reason, no light.
I lost the fight.
My first regret.
I thought it was right.

Stupid me, stupid life.
Only myself to blame.
Something wrong, for all that's right.
Yes darkness, no tame.

Saw it coming, should've known.
Knew I wasn't gonna survive.
One gone already, why not add on?
I'll throw in my own life.

Keep Scrolling

Born a costar.
That's all I am.
Too quiet.
Too low.
Never to rise.

Happiness?
Too far away.
One door shut,
Maybe opens another.
Hopeless.

Try to do right.
Bad consequence still.
A face.
A tear.
I caused that.

Give up.
Give up.
I can't go on.
A light.
A smile.

Maybe I can be strong.

Goodbye.

It seems like a dream.

A mere hazy image that has little importance.

Though I'm not going to let it be that way.

Such a big part of my life has now slipped away and I feel more familiar with how fragile life is.

I walked in holding back my tears. Glad that he always seemed to come to me. He had to be lifted out of the car, but he was walking okay. Slowly but surely we made our way into the room. I couldn't tell you what the workers looked like, or what anyone in my family was wearing. I was focused on one thing, because it deserved all my attention in the last moments.

Tired. So tired. I could see it more then ever. I knew it was right, but that doesn't prevent the depression. I sat only to see him on the other side of the room. I hesitated, but luckily I got myself to stand up and go by his side. He put his head in my lap, and I tried to express my love to him. Let him know how much he meant to me.

Then I made a mistake.

I looked up to see my sisters' face. I saw that tears were beginning to fall down her face, and I felt a hole so deep in me that the universe was a mere sliver in time. My face began to feel hot, and my tears began.

I sat there crying with him in my arms, as the nurses came in. I hoped with all of my black heart that this is what he wanted, and that he was okay with it. I worried that he misunderstood.

Please. Please, dear God, no. Stop. Don't let this happen. I'm not ready.

I watched as the pink liquid slowly disappeared inside his veins.

Suddenly he was shaking. His breathes became hard and deep. His brother came over, and as they looked face to face, he finally understood and plummeted to panic.

As he took his final breathes. With his eyes shaking he looked up at me.

Gone.

I will never forget. 

Never will I let such a beautiful life go unnoticed.

I will always love you and never let you die in my heart.

Please know that.

Please.

My Dear Friend

They say a dog is mans best friend,

But best friends are never supposed to leave you.

Two days.

That's it.

Then a life will end.

A life that doesn't deserve to end.

The worst part is, I'll never get to know what he thinks of me. I'll never know if he knew I loved him. Two days, and then the world will have any irreplaceable empty space. He is the first dog I had, and yet I can't even remember the times I had with him.

It's torture.

It's pain.

But if we didn't do this, he would be the one feeling the torture and pain, and that is something I refuse to let happen.

It's already gotten bad. The pink around his whiskers. He's skinnier then he's ever been. His legs give out, and he shakes uncontrollably sometimes.

I know it's the best thing to do.

But I don't want to let him go.

Nothing But Dead Ends

What was I thinking!?

I admitted to myself that I loved you.

You influenced my life when you weren't even there.

I let my feelings for you encapsulate me.

I WAS SO WRONG!

I WAS AN IDIOT!

I became a fool thinking love can exist.

It's just an illusion.

A stupid meaningless illusion.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME!?

What? You didn't want to hurt me in the first place? Well then you should've just left me alone in the first place. So might as well just tell me the truth now. You've already broken me, and I'm scared I cannot be repaired.

I went through every possibility trying to make sense of it all. At least every possibility that involved you caring about me. I thought you did. As usual though I couldn't have been more wrong. Everything we ever were just hit dead ends.

No explanation.

No honesty.

Just the fool that I am and another all that I've run into.

Head on.

Well let me tell you:

My face and heart and bruised from running into your walls. I wanted you to let me in, but you didn't want me one bit. I don't know what I was to you. Somewhere along the lines of insignificant.

So I'm finally done with you.

Done with your lies, and your stupid manipulative personality.

You almost broke me, but you failed. Though you tried hard.

I'm strong.

I'm beautiful.

I'm courageous.

I'm perfect in my own little way.

I don't need you.

You gave me an illusion thinking I did, but I couldn't have been more wrong to follow you.

I'm my own person, and I have such a high potential, and I'm going to get up to it.

No more depending on others.

I'm my own person.

I. Am. Absolute.

Courageous

I am what I am,
So i'll do what I can.
I'll speak my no's,
And consider the pros.

Inspired

I speak,
But the words I say aren't real.
In my head I see the truth,
Though it will never be spoken.

I look into her eyes,
Deep into her smile.
Trying to decipher the unknown.
Hoping that what I wish is behind the curtain.

Misunderstood.
Misunderstanding.
Assumptions take over, though I do not know it.
All I can do is lock my emotion away.

The truth can't exist.
Fear is too free.
Too much talking may scare her away,
And I'd rather have little than nothing at all.

Home

A home is not a house.

If you mess up and say they are the same thing. You are so far from right that I may punch you in the face.

A house is where you live. There you eat, sleep, watch T.V., and do whatever to get life off your mind. It may be a place where you have your own little room, where you can read, dance, and sing and hope that nothing outside will ever see what you do.

But that's just the thing. It's a place.

"Home is where the heart is."

So tell me. Where is your heart?

Does your heart eat and sleep with you? Or is your heart somewhere else dreaming. When you eat is your heart over crying in a corner far away because it can't stand to see you eat alone? When you sleep is your heart with you? Or is it prancing around in your dreams with everything you wish was right. When you watch T.V. is your heart engulfed in what your watching wishing to be far away from your life today living in a world where that guy and girl always find each other, and where your friends are true and no matter what goes wrong in all turns out in the end.

My heart is just like that.

So then where is my home?

I can tell you. No matter how confused and messed up I am. I can tell you where my home is.

It's the one place in my life I fully deem noteworthy. A place where everything can exist that never could in any other place.

It's my place.

It's where I'm not afraid of the dark. Where my friends are true and stand by me no matter what. It's where I feel I have a family no matter the holes in relationships with one another. It's where hope and terror can coexist. It's where there is nostalgia and longing. It's where there are no regrets no matter what. It's where a girl living in the deepest hole that she's been digging her whole life can have a boy that will jump in to talk to her. Where two people that could never seem to be could meet and see each other and know there was something there.

Every emotion has been felt there by me and every other human being that knows the truth behind those walls. Way back to the beginning. Something that one person could never see everything, but you know it's there.

So where is my heart? With my place? Or with him?

Where is my home?

At the end of this post my feelings are not the same as they were in the middle.

I feel as though one is my home, and one is my heart.

So maybe I don't know where my home is, and now me typing feels meaningless.

A lot of the time I say what I think either for myself or to try and help others.

Though one word has left me babbling and speechless.

Not house.

Home.

Something New

Today I cried.

Though it wasn't like the past four nights of crying.

It was something different.

If was something near to a happiness of crying. I'm not sure because it is a feeling I have never described. Though I know for the first time today when I was beginning to break down, my mom was there for me. She helped me with my emotions and didn't make things worse.

She saw I was stressed and helped me out with things, and surprised me with these flannel pajamas I said I wanted, but was a memory long lost in my brain.

For one of the first times I can say I love you to my mom and really truly mean it.

It makes me wonder if I'm just realizing her more these days, or if it's the same but opposite due to recent knowledge of me finally kicking in.

I know it's crazy to even think we should be able to connect on any level. Though slowly, but surely it seems to be happening. I hope one day I could have a comfortable conversation with her. Eventually growing to me being okay with inviting her to my wedding and my kids calling her grandma.

I know this may make me sound like a terrible kid who never appreciates her parents, but you don't know my life and the emotional roller coaster it's been and how the only people I've been able to share that with is my friends and sometimes not even them, because life is a bitch.

Though as I say again, things are evolving. I'm scared about it, but I like what I see so far, and hope it keeps on happening with everyone around me.

My life is me on roller coaster in pitch black. I don't know where I'm going, but the tracks are there, and they're taking me to the light.

Not Just A Box

There's a wooden box in the middle of the stage.

A desk and a chair sit to the side ready to examine the importance of the box.

It waits for the box to do something amazing.

Sing and dance like the humans, or grow and present life like nature.

Though nothing happens and so the desk and the chair qualify the box as junk.

Something useless that the world could definitely live without.

It will never excel or amaze people or anything of those sorts.

After all it's just a box.


That's the point where the world of judgment is more wrong than it's ever been before.

Yes, it is a box, but it's not just a box.

Just is a word that causes limits. It's a word that puts walls tightly around something and doesn't let it grow.

The box cannot sing and dance, nor inhabit life and adapt, but that's because you're expecting it to do something it's not designed to do.

If you need something like a prop for a play, or a place to sit after a long walk, or even something to merely rest your feet on. It is perfect for the job.

If you studied the box more carefully before throwing it away, you'd also notice it is even made hollow so it's light and easy to carry, and their are handles on the side to make it even simpler.

To you it may be a little inconvenient piece of junk, but that's because you are a narrow minded thing that thinks that everything has to be loud and proud and perfect.

Yes, the box may have scratches, but it's because things like this perfect desk and chair to why they have them in the first place.

Even though it does have scratches it doesn't care, because when it is doing what it is designed to do it is happy, and it doesn't want your stupid fancy qualities, because, in it's own petite life,

It. Is. Perfect.

How?

How can this world be real when it's so made up?

Every. Single. Thing.

We give something value because it's shiny.

We created something that never stops and is only a count down to our death.

We created math, and science, and all these things that now must be taught, but are completely useless.

We've created everything in this world besides our own physical selves, and the true things around us like animals and nature.

We've created love. This feeling that is supposed to be what makes the world okay.

We've created hope, because we don't want to face the truth.

These days we have even created our personalities, because people are so cruel in this world where if you are yourself you become a pariah.

This world is fake and broken.

We are broken.

You don't like it?

Go ahead and keep on acting like everyone else. Pretending that all these things will save you.

Just know.

It only makes you more broken.

Untitled

It hurt. Looking at you hurt.

Do you see me anymore?
Or think of the times we had?
Do you wish we could have one more moment?
That this time wouldn't end bad?

The times we laughed.
The times you snapped.
When everything seemed right.
You were my star.
Just not so far.
In the dark you were my light.

You're trapped in my head.
Though I don't know why.
You just left me thinking.
Was our love a lie?

I was so scattered.
Wish I had mattered.
Miss the beautiful moments we shared.
I let you in.
Under my skin.
Yet not once was I scared.

You walked away,
So what can I do?
Because it's hard to admit,
But I was falling for you.

And so we end.
No way to mend.
You gave me an affinity
Goodbye forever.
Time to sever.
But thanks for our infinity.

This Is Not A Poem, Nor Is It For You

You gave me something I can't forget.
Though it seems I'm out of your mind by the next day.
I wonder if you ever think of me.
Or if you ever miss me, and want to go back.

I want to go back.
To all the times we had.
I miss having you by my side, knowing no matter what, you could make me happy.
You became such a light in my darkness, but now you're gone.

You left me questioning if it was all a lie.
If it wasn't then how are you fine right now?
I miss your smile, you eyes, your laugh, and even your ego.
Since I met you not a day has gone by that I haven't thought of you.

You're in my head, and I can't get you out.
Why can't I let you go when we weren't even that great?
It's been so long and I feel like you're gone, but you're still here, and a bit too close.
I got to stop holding on, but something tells me not to.

Though I know it's only you and then me. No us.
No correlation, no future, just simply impossible.

Confession Time

I HAVE PROBLEMS!!

My parents say I'm autistic, and I'm starting to believe them.

One time I paced in a figure eight for an hour and twenty minutes muttering about the world.

Once I banged my head against a car until it bled.

My emotions are everywhere and I just know I'm bipolar.

I have depression so bad I can't go a day without it affecting me multiple times.

I'm so antisocial that the only thing that can make me the slightest bit happy is sitting curled up in a corner with a book.

I'm this little ball filled with so many problems I have breakdowns at least twice a week.

I'm an insane, crazy, freak.

Where Do I Go From Here?

I try way too hard to pick myself up, when all I get is pushed back down.

Everyday somehow I grasp onto hope that it will be a good day.

I'm usually wrong.

At times it seems for a while things have gotten better and I'll be going uphill for a while. Though all it was, was a phase. Something that was so temporary is was near translucent.

Then I realize that it's all a lie. It happens every time. New friends, maybe even a guy, but no. It turns out I'm just the pity kid. People pick me up because they feel bad, but then drop me all at once as soon as they get tired.

Of course I have my family though. They aren't temporary. I just wish they were. The one thing that stays in my life brings me down at every opportunity it gets. No matter the size of the problem, or even if there isn't one altogether.

People wonder sometimes why I want to die. Every time they just don't understand. They call me a selfish little kid who just wants more and more.

Well I don't want your money, and I don't want your silly little toys. The only reason I get them is because I'll take anything that gets my mind of my life for even just a second.

Sorry if I seem selfish for wanting friends I know I can trust, and someone who won't just drop me as soon as they get bored.

Sorry if sometimes I open up to you, and overwhelm you with the actual way I am. I just thought maybe you'd care. That just maybe I could find someone who wanted to listen. Who wanted to help me.

I need someone to help me heal my wounds. They've been open for way too long. I know they aren't your problem, but I just can't do it by myself.

So yes, where do I go from here?

I don't know about you, but the only option I see ahead of me is death.

Unfinished

I walk through the halls feeling so small.
New people, new school, no friends.
I see the people I used to know.
Wanting to make amends.

I feel like an outcast, a joke, a bug.
Just wishing for someone to reach out.
I feel so trampled and pushed around.
Feeling to be noticed I'd have to shout.

Last class, last day, of something new,
Before it becomes a routine.
Last call, and so, before I walk in,
I whisper, "someone please."

Shuffle sit down, shuffle sit down.
I've been doing it all day.
Shuffle sit down, shuffle sit down.
It keeps me invisible and sane.

I stay in the back looking down.
Not sure what I should do.
The room fills with a presence, a face,
And suddenly I knew.

A Tribute To A Friend

My best friend made me want to cry today.  Of course I did.

That was the second time this week that happened.

What went wrong? He's my best friend isn't he?

But he moved away and now were not growing up together and it's just so awkward when he comes back. 

Don't get me wrong. I love my best friend. As a friend of course, but we've both changed and chosen different paths. That shouldn't be a problem, but it has made us both too sensitive to take each others jokes like we used to say. 

He is into boxing and fighting so he always beating me up. Not in a terribly bad way, but it still hurts. All the things we are now just don't clash. 

Being through so much in our lives, putting it in the same room nearly causes an explosion. Though when it's over I think of when things were good.

The video games, the laughter, the pointless conversations and debates about things non-existing.

It used to be so perfect, but now I feel the sun has begun to set on our story. Though I don't want it to end I'm only holding onto the stories from the past. Before I felt so abused and bullied. I know that's how he shows his love because he's more anti-social than me, but it feels so different and wrong I'm not sure I can take it.

I plead to the stars to not make this the fate, but I'm afraid I may be too late.

I hope there's a change not an end, but if so I leave this a tribute to my friend.

P.S.- Love ya bud

Darkness

Darkness.
It's all I feel.
Not the wind on my face,
Nor the rain falling down,
Just darkness.

I do not expect you to understand,
Why death hangs over my head,
Tantalizing me to take action.
Telling me just to sleep,
And then all my pain will go away.

How can I feel pain you say?
Yes, all I feel is darkness.
Though sometimes even darkness has mercy.
On occasion it spits me out, and let's me feel,
All the pain and terror in my life.

Humans do not long for the feeling of pain,
But did I say I was human?
Feeling makes you seem alive.
Not feeling makes you a corpse.
So no matter the feeling "good" or "bad" I'm not one to care.

Mentally or physically,
A lover or a parent,
The darkness follows me looming like a cloud.
I cannot escape, only give in and become,
Darkness myself.

Life, Love, and Depression

Sometimes even the busiest of days can't keep you from depression. It can just hit you at anytime enveloping you in darkness and fog.

You don't know where you are. Where you're going. What you're doing. Nothing.

You're body is filled with everything you need to live. Yet you can feel so empty you don't even want to get up in the morning because going out into the world seems pointless. You just know the world's out to get you sometimes, and sadly the world plays favorites.

How do you stop it? Where's the cure? Anti-depression pills? Please. You'd be better off on weed. Like its say's in the mythology tale Pandora's Box all we have is hope. No cures, no pills, just hope.

The Beginning

This is the beginning of something. Right here.

This is the beginning of me making the internet my best friend (though we are pretty good friends now anyways.)

This is the beginning of me sharing my thoughts and not caring what other people might think or say back, because I've been holding who I am in for way too long, and now is the time to start a new beginning.

Of course there's never just a beginning. There is so much more to a story than the beginning, but the beginning is the most important part. You just simply can't start something from the middle or-god forbid-the end. You have to start from the beginning and let time tell the tale.

We all have our own story, and I've decided to write mine down...sort of, and share it with you.