Thinking

I lay scrolling through the people that have it worse then me.
Thinking I should be happy compared to these people.
Though somehow here I am crying.
Trying to get some sleep, but my mind is too busy thinking.
Thinking about the people I love.
Thinking about how they probably don't even care about me.
Wondering about my life.
My future.
Wondering if I'll ever see what shit it becomes.
Pondering my control.
Not pondering because I have no control.
I was doing great.
No no.
I was pretending I was doing great.
Masking everything underneath.
Pushing the demons down to see if there was any room for emotion in me.
All of this to be lost.
A crossroads with infinite options.
And I wonder why my head is so full.
Follow the yellow brick road.
Second star to the right.
Just keep swimming.
I can't.
The hollow feeling inside me is back.
I don't think it's leaving until I'm gone.

Me In A Nut Shell

"I'm not okay!" - My Chemical Romance

"Sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind." - Twenty One Pilots

"I will tell you what I can, But your mind will take a stand. I sing of a greater love. Let me know when you've had enough." - Twenty One Pilots

"You will never know. What's under me skin. So won't you say goodnight. So I can say goodbye." Twenty One Pilots

"I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene." - My Chemical Romance

"I will not bow." - Breaking Benjamin

"I'm dying alone." - Greek Fire

"Spiders crawled inside, and made themselves a home." - Twenty One Pilots

"My treehouse is on fire, and for some reason I smell gas on my hands. This is not what I had planned." - Twenty One Pilots

"Leave me alone. Don't leave me alone." - Twenty One Pilots

"Put a bullet where I should've put a helmet." - Bleachers

"The piano plays a melancholy soundtrack to her smile." - The Airborne Toxic Event

"Let's be alone together." - Fall Out Boy

"I will stand. A broken man." - Boys Like Girls

"Burry me. The hardest part of this is leaving you." - My Chemical Romance

Depression Meets Happiness

You're okay. You're okay.

Someone once told me that they say things to convince themselves it's a reality.
You're okay. 
I feel like I tried it, but I'm not really sure.
What's the word for being too damaged to do something that's so easy?
Broken?
I feel as though that word is too...sweet.
When I have crumpled to the floor because I'm crying too hard to stand. Broken is heavenly.
"But angel you have wings," my mind says.
"You can fly away from this."

No.

This isn't some illusion I have put myself in.
This isn't a choice I have made at all.
Anyone who willingly puts themselves through this when they have wings?
They're insane.
And I'm not insane...
Not in that way.
"Wait." my mind says.
"You are no angel."
"Angels are so much more than...this."
"You."
"You are from Hell."
"There cannot be anything even possibly heavenly in you."
Suddenly my mind starts disappearing like crayons in the hands of a three year old.
A voice entices me to look up.
To take that narrow minded view and toss it, because my crayons my mind thought so important are now useless stubs.
The voice tells me to look up into hopes eyes.
Hope. Saves me.
It wraps its arms around me, though still holding my gaze.
Hope. Brought happiness to meet my mind.
My mind resists and wants to cry in the corner about the lost crayons.
It missed the blacks and browns and greys that made such beautiful pictures.
But happiness wipes my minds tears and presents a new set of crayons.
Purples. Blues. Reds.
And so many shades in between.
Nothing my mind had ever seen.
And now my mind realizes it has finally found a friend.
Happiness is its view and hope is its home.
"I'm sorry." says my mind.
"I see now that you are more than Heaven or Hell."
"You are a phoenix. You now have wings larger than any angel. You are invincible. But that doesn't mean you won't burn. Trust me, you'll definitely burn, but don't worry. It only adds a fire in your eyes.  And when it gets so bad you turn to ash you will rise from those ashes even better than before. So stand up. Look up."

Trying

I sit here making my fingers do a dance across my keyboard,
But something is missing.
The heart.
I yearn for the days I could sit down and type out my feelings in beautiful sonnets.
Though my mind reminds me that, that was so long ago.
I wonder why it had to leave, and suddenly I sit here crying.
Crying because something I held so dear to me is gone.
Words were my only way to understand the world and how it can be so cruel.
Words were my Rosetta Stone to understand how my heart can pump but not feel.
Then suddenly all I am is a Jukebox in a run down diner with surprisingly good pie.
I sit and wait.
Not being able to do anything unless someone tells me to.
They give me coins, which I only pass on to other people.
In return, I search inside myself and try to play their favorite song.
Yes, I'm out of date, but it seems to me that empathy is too.
And on that note when I'm broken and can't use myself to please you,
I beg of you to not hit me repeatedly or throw me in a junkyard.
Because you may be made of bones, and I of screws, but I'm trying.
And just as a pointer I've found I reply a lot better to caring than abuse and abandonment.

I've Been

It's been too long.

Though I've decided it's okay when the day comes that I leave this petite little home of mine and slowly move on from these words.

Because that means something. It means I have taken the leap from writing down what I want to actually getting it.

I will never forget all the words I have written, but I will be happy to move on when the time comes.

Where have I been?

Well...

I've been in his breaths that come and go so smoothly. They take me in and make me feel so safe and warm.

We sway through the waves and the lightning knowing that as long as we hold our gaze and see the stars sparkle in each others eyes we don't need necessities of life. (Air? Psh, not a need at all.)

I've been in her smiles. The ones I never thought I'd see again. The laughs. The memories. It's something so pure. I'm the luckiest person on earth to have found something so blissful.

I've been in tears. Hovering above all the people I care for that feel so cold when I need a fire to thaw my heart.

I've been in my music. The sweet symphonies that make me believe a god could exist, because nothing of this world could create such sunrise.

I've been lost.

I've been found.

I've been up.

I've been down.

Though mostly I've been in a haze. Wondering too much.

Don't we all?

That is why we're all here on these blogs that no one reads.

We write our souls with a pen hooked to our veins for ink. Leaking everything we can onto the page so we can see a little clearer.

We walk down the halls thinking, if only they knew.

We are the shadows trying to escape from the humans we are attached to because we want a life of our own. We don't want this body that's full of insecurity and has thoughts too loud but a voice to small.

We want to fly.

I Don't Know

I'd like to quote a person I hold dear in my heart.

"I don't know."

I don't know if I should be giving in to the world around me, and forget who I am.

I don't know if I should be preparing for a break up because long distance doesn't work.

I don't know if I should be breaking up currently because I'm too much for another human being.

I don't know if I should isolate myself because I can't identify truth from lying.

I don't know if I should being talking to someone about what goes on in my head.

I don't know if I should be getting papers for emancipation.

I don't know if I should let myself sleep.

I don't know if I should just kill myself off so I don't have to deal with anything.

I don't know if I should being doing what I love or doing what makes sense.

I don't know if I should be myself around others because I can't determine if I'll bring them down or lift them up.

I don't know if I can get my life in order.

I don't know if I should try to look on the bright side because I'm scared I'll get to the point where I can't find one.

I don't know if I should try paying for college through scholarships or just face the facts.

I don't know if I actually want to go through life or not.

I don't know if I should start taking meds.

I don't know if I should try being beautiful or accept its impossible.

I don't know if I can believe in anything in this world.

I DON'T KNOW.

And I'm done trying to know.

What to Write

What do you write about when you feel nothing?

When your day was just eh, and completely uninspiring.

It wasn't a bad day. No yelling. Not too much depression.

Though it wasn't good either.

Sure you laughed, But you were really just going through the motions.

But now sitting at my computer and wanting to write I wonder when it will all stop.

When will I finally step up and make everything memorable.

Am I just going to wake up tomorrow and change my life?

Even if I did wake up tomorrow wanting to change my life it would wear off.

How do I make every day memorable?

My thoughts -

Step 1: Buy A Camera. Take at least one picture each day so you remember every single one. Write stories about it. Do something.

Step 2: Set Goals.

Step 3: Get off your lazy ass and do more with your life.

Step 4: Care less about others. Not in an insensitive way, but don't let them define you. Don't depend on anyone.

Step 5: Make a legit bucket list, and make goals and achieve them one by one.

Step 6: Die.

P.S. - If anyone tries to get in your way and prevent you making the most of life. Leave them behind. Life is too short to care about what other people think.


Every time I want to change my life it fades. I go back into the motions and am too lazy to get off my ass and live. Though you see time doesn't wait for people to get off their ass. Time continues and eats away at you until your all old a decrepit, and look back on all the things you wish you did.

Though there is a line. If I get too caught up in making everything work, I miss the times where sitting on my ass benefits me. Instead of being too busy to have a random hang out with friends, I have no schedule and can spend the day with them.

Now I must bring up the other possibility that came up in my head. What if I don't know how to work towards something I want. You know, no one ever tells you how life should be lived. Not that thats a bad thing, but I feel as though there is some certain way that no one knows about. Being too loud with your opinion and life just seems wrong. Some how I feel like some lifestyle has been planted in my head.

Though maybe. Just maybe. I can start living life the way I want to.