We're all alive. Though we're searching for an apocalypse.

There is nothing more irritating than forgetting how to write.
Hell, I went to Europe for two months,
History at my fingertips constantly,
And I didn't write a single word.

Guys.

It's easy to forget who you are.

I don't even know if I like writing anymore.
But maybe I shouldn't be thinking about that.
Maybe I should appreciate what I've absorbed instead.
I don't have anything on paper for proof.
But I've changed.

I realize new things every day.

And today?
I figured out something I should try to do more in my life

Make people realize they're alive. 

Remind them what living means. 

We are not on this Earth to make money, live an everyday routine, regret, or focus on the pain.

Yes, it's hard not to notice all the pain.

But that's not all that's there.

We have to believe that.

We have to remember. 



I've become pretty selfish by trying not to care what people think.
Always having a bitter taste in my brain.
I'm trying to forget.
Distracting myself from the world instead of trying to help it.

I could become vegan.
Volunteer and help people.
But I like ice cream and meat,
And I need money for college.

Shit.



But hey,
If you're reading this,
Just take one thing from it.
Remember what living means.
And make sure you're feeling that every day.

This is it.

You know no matter how many lasts we are experiencing in these final weeks of high school.
No matter the people we'll never see.
The teachers we'll never learn from.
The strangers we'll never judge.
I bet you anything the majority of us will wake up Saturday morning and go about our lives like nothing ever happened.

I mean we are only one day older than the last.
One hour more tired.
One minute less memorable.
One second closer to death.

Paris was great.
Neverland was a dream.
Home's heart gained some weight.

We walk these halls everyday, and yet all of us will hear one name, see one person walk, that we had no idea went to this school.

But no matter the cliques,
The hate,
The lies,
The egos,
The tears,
The scars.
The graduating class of 2016 will all breathe as one as we all stand and move our tassels like we have gained some sort of knighthood for turning our papers in on time.

I don't know about you, but for me it's so much more than that. Walking on that carpet and shaking hands with people you barely talked to. I'm doing that because I fucking made it.
I made it through every late paper.
Every teachers pair of eyes in the back of their heads.
Every suicide.
Every fight with parents or friends.
Every time where my heart was heavier than my textbooks.
And after that.
I woke up.
Got ready.
And went to school.
And I bet you I smiled at least once everyday I was in those halls.

My beginning at Lone Peak was bathroom stalls and knowing people by their shoes.
My rising action was facing a tidal wave while holding one hand.
My end is a confused head held high.

Now let's all move on and slowly forget.
Let's embrace our briefcases and hang our selves with our ties.
Let's wither away and become our parents.

But always remember that green is not a creative color.

Writers block is tearing at my skin.
Or maybe I'm blocking out my emotions of what's to come.

Didn't Have My Journal

I will never be here again. 

I was talking to my friend during lunch toast and he told me his biggest regret in his years it's that he didn't write every day since seventh grade. He's not a good writer. But he wants to remember. He wants to remember every tear. Every laugh. All of it. 

I feel like this whole leaving thing isn't gonna hit me until it's August and I realize Lone Peak is starting a new year and I'm not there.

And then I'm moving to Washington. Everyone I knew. Miles away. 

I don't know when it'll be the last time I see them.

I hope it causes you all pain that you won't ever be at high school again after this year. 

Even if you're gonna become a teacher.

Even if you're going to visit. 

Your heart should ache when you think about it never being the same, because that means you cared.

We will never be here again. 

We are so young. And I feel like we're all to caught up in where we're going to appreciate what we have now. 

Yes, it's a relief that's summer is coming. And the homework and tests are almost over. The stress will be gone. 

But we never have the time to truly say goodbye to the families we forged here. 

And those are more important than anything else.

Meh.

So many things I want.
But what do I need.
I'm debating if I'm actually trusting fate to help out,
Or if I'm just being lazy and taking what comes.
I don't want to be someone little.
Someone in a cycle to nowhere.
Which is funny because it always bugs me when people say they want to be remembered.
That not a bad thing to want of course,
But when people usually say that they mean they want to be the next Gandhi.
It's always best to be remembered by people close to you though.
If that's not enough for you that's kind of sad.
Because pain is only there to let you know it meant something.
I don't know about you,
But I only feel pain when people close to me die.
Maybe I'm just heartless.
But I'd rather truly affect a small amount of people,
Than be an icon to the world.
Though as a wise man once said,
Why not both?

101

I just realized that Real Right Now was my 100th post.

Holy shit...

I started this blog the beginning of my junior year. It's crazy to think how much has happened since then.

Back then I was still holding onto my sophomore year and my ex-boyfriend. (typical Kenzie)

I was just starting to gain confidence in myself, but I was still so intrigued with this new thing I had found called love.

Love is the most important thing to me. I told my sophomore friend my life story a month and a half ago or so and he said he admired the fact that the most important parts to me were my relationships. Then just this past week I was talking to my cousin on a midnight hike. I told him a little bit about my relationships and I realized while I was talking to him how important it all was to me. How I don't care about having a big house. I don't care about having the best job in the world - though I still want to follow my dreams - over all of my other dreams I want someone to wake up to every morning. And yes we'll probably try spooning while sleeping, then realize how uncomfortable it is and sleep on separate sides, but so what. I get someone who wants to spend the rest of their lives with me. What on this world is more beautiful than that?

I've had 12 relationships starting my seventh grade year. Each relationship has made me grow more than any friendship I've ever had. I don't know if that's strange. But I think it's kinda cool.

Anyways, totally sidetracked.

This is post 101.

101 posts of depression, complaining, and drama.

101 post and I'm driving in my friends passenger seat with my boyfriends grinning at the back of my head while we blast Coral Bones. (look them up. they're so good.)

101 posts and I'm happy.

101 posts and my friend group has done a 360 no scope and I'm surrounded by the people I never thought I'd be close to. But now I love them. I love them and I'm tired of the past. I'm tired of the drama, and I want to live.

A friend of mine got sent to St George by his parents. That sucked.

An old friend got bullied out of our family. If it counts for anything, I'm sorry.

I'm not sure what I'm writing anymore. I'm kinda just doing another right now.

28 days guys.

28 days and these halls will not be ours anymore.

28 days and then who knows if we'll be remembered.

Who will remember us?

Does it matter?

Should we care about being noteworthy to a bunch of high school students?

Should we pray paint our names on the walls in our blood to mark all the late night papers? All the books read on sparks notes?

Though honestly besides the paper cuts it was more emotional than physical. So maybe our names are painted on the walls. Emotionally...cuz that makes sense... #poetrygonewrong

I don't know. Let's just all be sentimental for a day. Maybe we should do it for a class period. We can make poetic metaphors and all that fun shit. I have no idea.

Just know that we have 28 days left and I don't know everyones name in our class. Sorry Nelson. I feel like everyone has been saying that a lot.

28 days.

Damn.

Real Right Now

A week or two ago we had a lesson in laurels that you can have heartbreak and be happy at the same time. I'm not religious, but I had honestly never realized that before. Suddenly all the confusion in my brain got a little clearer.

I have four friends left.

One is my boyfriend, which means I have no idea how long we'll be friends because we all know what happens after you break up. But it doesn't have to be that way. He keeps me sane.

Second. A guy I've considered liking for a while but honestly it's not a good idea. He's good just as a friend anyways. I hope to visit him whenever I'm in town. If he decides to go on a mission I hope to be there for his farewell also.

Third. He is the closest to saint I've ever seen and I can't wait to see where he's going on his mission. He will be the richest out of all of us one day and I refuse to believe anything less.

Fourth. She isn't around too much anymore, but I hope to move to Washington with her in July. Every now and then when I meet up with her I feel the relief of talking to someone who isn't stuck. We're all stuck.

(Silver, if you're reading this don't feel insulted. We've been growing apart for a while now and you know it. We've both changed and it's for the better. I still like talking to you.)

(Pink, you're probably not reading this because we haven't talked in forever, but all I can think to say to you is I'm sorry, and I don't hate you if that's what you think.)

Everyone is talking about college, but also how they don't want to graduate. I say let me out already, but I'm not even going to college next year. I just want to figure out who the fuck I am.

When I started this year I could not imagine graduating. Though slowly but surely it became quite a desire.

I used to say what's the point in a very negative way.

Now I say it because I want a challenge.

I want to stop being pointless.

My grandpa died last week, and I don't know why I didn't tell anyone.

My ex is reading Peter Pan with his new girlfriend.

Joseph is my last play here.

I haven't gone into work in a week in a half. I'm probably gonna get fired.

I'm failing all my classes except two.

My dogs look like Yin and Yang. They're cute.

I want to read more. I want to play the piano more. I want to go to school while I can. I want to love my dad. I want to buy more records. I want to do my fucking laundry. I want to not need to sleep. I want to move to Washington for a year. I want to talk to my sister while she's in Germany. I want to talk to my mom while I'm in Washington. I don't want to be one of those people still in their hometown a year after they've graduated. I don't want to be one of those people still in their hometown three years after they've graduated. I want a job. I don't want a job I hate. I don't want to go to stage crew after the play is over. I want money. I don't want to be greedy. I want to go to Disneyland by myself for my senior trip.

I'm sitting here watching my cousins play Smash Bros. on our Wii U. I want to play, but I love to write. I should probably be sleeping soon because I need to get up in the morning for attendance school, because I need a lot of sleep to actually get up in the morning.

My dad is packing to leave for work. Just like he always has since I was born. I need gas, but I don't have any money.

My ex visited two days ago and it felt like old times. It could never be old times.

My mind has been muddled, but I'm so ready to wake up.

I went to my middle school last week. It was small and everyone was really short. My best friend kept telling me about all his good times there. I did not have to good of a time there myself. Lots of lessons though. I'm grateful for it.

I've been writing what's on my mind for too long now.

Peace.

Chopped Peanuts

It all started with some chopped peanuts.
No.
No it didn't.
It started a long time ago.
Before I could ever possibly realize.
Then after one crush and three relationships...
Well,
Here we are.
And we are eagles.
We are flying,
Living,
Breathing.
I don't understand it all quite yet,
But I do know one thing.
I'm happy. 
So fuck it all.
Let's put our middle fingers up and own the whole damn sky.
Because we can,
But only for two months,
So let's try and make the best of it.

P.S. You make me feel like Margo Roth Spiegelman.

Background 00's Music Into A One Man Show

You were written in the background.
But you were the only real things on stage.
Straight to the point just like always.
The stage is a mess.
The words are whispered.
The eyebrows raised.
We're all just too scared to acknowledge it.
But you,
You are as transparent as the ocean on a clear day.
If there's a fish swimming to the surface you can see it.
But the ocean floors are dusty.
You have to wade into the water to feel.
You have to dive into the depths,
And it's so beautiful,
I don't know why people don't do it often.
I'm scared of water,
But I'm ready to have my eyes opened.
So let me toss this ocean shit,
And be clear myself.
I like you.
With you it's real.
I didn't like you at first,
Because even you can't deny,
You're rough to get used to.
But I always knew there was something more,
And now I'm finally seeing it.
You're my best friend.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
So with this low key salute,
I thank you.
It's a real great time around you,
And I don't know how you feel,
But I'm finally not worried about it.
So again,
Thank you,
I like smiling into your solid eyes.

Unfinished, Like Everything But Dessert.

I dance while nobody is watching.
Maybe it's because people tell me my body is all wrong,
But I know my soul's all right.
I keep it hidden a lot,
Though I know I can do better than what the world tells me I'm meant to be.
If I come home and I'm the only one there,
I sing at the top of my lungs,
Dancing with my socks sliding on the tile,
And I make myself some damn lunch.
Though most the time it's dessert.
Frosting,
Potato chips,
I'll work out tomorrow.
You see once upon a time,
I thought God didn't like the look of my face.
Head down in the halls,
Headphones on,
Making sure those "too nice" of people wouldn't call me out.
I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel,
Because I wasn't looking.

She

She played the piano.
Played it so beautifully,
And loved it.
Everyone couldn't help but stare,
And feel the music.
She told a story through her fingers.
But it was not her story,
Her story was filled with tears when no one was staring.
Her story was filled with cuts into her being,
Because she didn't know who she was.
Silently she suffered,
While everyone just wanted a piece of her music.
But her notes were breaking,
Breaking,
Breaking so slowly,
But effective none the less.
She couldn't hear the notes anymore.
She was always in outer space or underwater.
Her music was the ground she couldn't stand on anymore.
But she played the piano.

She smelled like cigarettes.
She smelled like coffee.
She smelled bitter and sweet,
And was a mess but neat.
Broken on the inside,
But pretty for everyone to see.
Every morning less sleep.
Falling harder than falling deep.
Running forever,
Running to better,
Herself.
From what?
I do not know.
Only she will ever know.
I don't mean her mind.
I mean her fingers.
The ones she put in a casket long ago.
Her soul. 
Buried deep beneath everything she is now.
Buried beneath her smell.

Inception

Look.

Life is hard.

Everyone around you in relationships,

When you're going through a break up...still.

Finally saying "I love you" to your mom,

And only hearing "okay" back. 

It's easy to feel alone. 

Easier for your mind to tell you how useless you are. 

And you're always changing,

So what if you become all the side effects of who you wanted to be?

It's hard to explain how hollow I feel. 

How I care but I don't.

How scared I am.

Today I had a conversation.

And great friends turned into awkward small talk.

We eventually grew used to each other again,

But we got a glimpse of what things will be like a year from now. 

Do grown ups still get scared of the dark?

Is it okay if I don't grow up?

Should I even give a shit in the first place?

I feel like I'm in Inception and can't tell what's fake or not.

P.R.O.M.

What to do when you don't have a date to prom, but everyone is talking to you about their dresses. 

1. Whenever you run into your friends who are in relationships pull out your phone or book.

2. Go to the store an find all the chick flicks and chocolate you can.

(Ice cream is also acceptable)

3. Stay at home avoiding any social interaction with females. Prom will come up if you risk it. 

4. Wear your prom dress while you eat chocolate and ice cream and don't give a shit about spilling. 

5. Get over it. 

P. R. O. M.

u       e        u         i

t        l         t         n

         a        o        d

         t         f

         i

         o

         n

         s

         h

         i

         p

         s

but...um....yeah...

Being antisocial is more then just being an awkward person that doesn't talk much.
It's thinking about breathing,
Thinking about every step you take,
Because if you do anything wrong people will laugh at you.
Oh know your shoe is untied,
Hurry and fix it before you trip,
But find a corner so you don't get stepped on when you bend down.
Being antisocial is like being a ghost.
But when someone actually sees you,
When they smile at you while your sitting in the halls alone.
When you drop something and you're not the first one to pick it up.
When someone sees you,
You think you can be something,
Besides the trust issues with anything and everyone,
Besides the over analyzing,
The low self esteem,
The whole fucking lot that's trapped in your mind.
You've been deprived of social interaction,
But how can you start a conversation with a stranger,
When you can barely spit out the truth to the women who gave birth to you.
But you try anyways.
You say hello,
Though it was too quite and they didn't hear you,
Or they're one of the ones that just ignore you.
What do you do then?
Pull out the phone,
Pull out the book,
Like nothing happened. 

We see you judging us.
We feel those eyes.
But we will learn to keep our heads up in the halls,
Because we've missed to much color,
After looking at the floor for so long.
We will learn to wear our insecurities on our sleeves,
Because yes we're different,
But we've learned that it's something to love.
We have learned that it's okay to love ourselves.

What Is Happening...

It's the last term of my last year of high school, and i'll I want is for it to end.
Drama.
Friends.
Relationships.
It all kinda went to shit.
I'm a tourist in this class and I know it.
But hey I'm still here writing when there wasn't an assignment.
Doesn't the mean something?
But anyways,
Back to my final days in these halls.
I want it to be great.
But I'm not living for each day anymore.
I'm using things in my future to keep me going.
I HATE the future.
So what I'm I doing?
How do I even begin to change this.
How do I make things happy and memorable like most ends should be?
I have no fucking idea.
I can't time travel going backwards or forwards trying to fix things.
And frankly I don't want to.
I have no regrets.
But the world is spinning,
The sun keeps setting,
I'm running out of time,
And there's not much left.
I must make my days memorable.

EVERYTHING IS CHANGING

I've never been good with change.
Yet I see people who are still friends from elementary school,
And my latest friend is from ninth grade,
I don't even know why because I don't treat her the way I should.
She's saved me.

The biggest change of all:
I'm starting to like my family.

I'm being productive. I actually like the outdoors...
What the fuck is happening.

Yet, that hollow feel in his still there.
Even when it has no reason to be.

Things are great...
Right?

Or am I becoming what I despise...?
Is that why that feeling is still there?
Or does my brain just hate me...

Everything happens for a reason. 

You happened for a reason.
No matter how many times my heart has broken from being around you.

Stage crew happened for a reason,
But it scares me how ready I am to leave.

Why did this start?
When did this start?

But most importantly is it something I should be happy about...?

Falling Slowly

I just need to get out of this town.
A completely fresh start.

Good Ol' Playlists

March to the Sea - Twenty One Pilots

Kitchen Sink - Twenty One Pilots

7 Years - Lukas Graham

All Time Low - Jon Bellion

Juke Box Hero - Foreigner

Headphones - Hedley

Rebel Beat - Goo Goo Dolls

I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers

Lost Boy - Ruth B

We're Not Gonna Take It - Twisted Sister

Sweet As Whole - Sara Bareilles

Here(In Your Arms) - Hellogoodbye

Yamaha - Delta Spirit

Forbidden Friendship - John Powell

She's Kinda Hot - 5 Seconds of Summer

Here's To The Zeroes - Marianas Trench

Who Do You Love - Marianas Trench

Top Of The World - Greek Fire

Disenchanted - My Chemical Romance

Fake Your Death - My Chemical Romance

Broken Man - Boys Like Girls

Surrender - Angels & Airwaves

Here I Am - Bryan Adams

Cardiology - Good Charlotte

Everywhere I Go(Kings and Queens) - New Politics

This Is Gospel - Panic! At The Disco

Golden Days - Panic! At The Disco

Heaven Knows - The Pretty Reckless

The Rest Of Us - Simple Plan

Shut Up! - Simple Plan

Change Of Seasons - Sweet Thing

The Bird And The Worm - The Used

Bipolar Baby! - Forever The Sickest Kids

Same Dumb Excuse(Nothing To Lose) - Forever The Sickest Kids

Angel With A Shotgun - The Cab

Rockstar - A Great Big World

Jimmy and Sally - I Fight Dragons

Myself, Awesome, Stop, Happiness

M
A
S
H

Mansion
Apartment
Shack
House

Who cares as long as I'm happy?

How about M stands for myself.
As in I think of my self worth,
Myself since birth,
Growing and learning that everything will be okay,
Because I'm on this lovely thing I call Earth.

A stands for awesome,
Because yes it's a middle school word,
And some people have heard it right before they went into super nova,
But hey,
If you actually think you're awesome then you deserve a standing ovation.
We go through every day wondering if we're good enough.
And sometimes we just give up,
Then the people we knew and didn't know are visiting our graves.
Let's not forget about those people,
And how people may have told them they were awesome,
But they didn't believe they were.
Remember.

S stands for stop.
We all need to know when to stop.
Whether its when joking turns to bullying,
Flirting turns to rape,
There's too many people in this world that don't understand the word limits.
What's okay and what's not.
Murder happens so often now we don't care unless it's someone we knew.
We see horror on the news,
And we're just thankful no one's bombing us.
We all just need to stop.

H stands for happiness,
Because for some reason everyone else has forgotten it's most important.
Who cares about money when you can have happiness.
A good job,
Good friends,
If it's not necessary for you happiness why give a shit?
Yes, you should be concerned about others,
And not put your happiness over theirs,
But why should you put theirs above yours.
You are equal,
And if you get in each others way,
You might as well both step back.
Happiness is the most important thing. 
Money can't buy it,
Things can't provide it,
Only you can supply it,
Just try it.

Now mash it all together.
Figure out what's right for you,
And throw the rest out.
If you're passionate enough you'll succeed.
You can make it, 
You just have to believe. 

Just remember,
You are you,
And no one can make you do shit.

Love is oblivion, and I'm scared.

i love you. 

Yes, you're on medication,
Yes, I may not know the real you,
But guessing fucking what,

I LOVE YOU.

I didn't want to make you choose between me and your family.
I wanted to be your family.

I LOVE YOU.

You got me watching the Notebook.
You made me put my heart in a notebook.
You are my notebook.
You are my Notebook.

i love you. 

You've got me eating a gallon of ice cream,
And drinking cider out of the bottle.

I LOVE YOU.

You were Neverland holding a ukelele,
And our hearts made beautiful music.

I LOVE YOU.

The wrinkles you got around your eyes when you smiled made me melt,
But now the dagger gets deeper every time I see you.

i love you.

You loved me more than anyone,
And yet you're questioning if it's real.

I LOVE YOU.

No matter how different we are I love the things we see the same.
Though you didn't feel normal with the world,
In my eyes you were the first normal person I'd ever met.

I LOVE YOU. 

No matter how much I love your brain,
I wish you would go with your heart,
And throw logic aside just this once.
For me.

i love you.

I never gave you enough compliments,
No matter how many were in my head,
It ended up coming out wrong.

I LOVE YOU.

Men are from Mars,
And women are from Venus,
But honey,
You took me past Pluto,
Because our hearts were going the speed of light.

I LOVE YOU.

I carried a stuffed animal around for two days because of you.

i love you.

Everything in your world is crumbling,
But somehow when I see you you're still happy.
could i not make you happy?

I LOVE YOU.

I don't know how things are going for us here on out,
But just know that still,

I LOVE YOU.

And I remember the time you said there was noting I could do to push you away,
But now I'm left with the thoughts that you didn't love me,
And I wasn't enough.
Not enough to fight,
Not enough to tell your parents,
Not enough see a future,
Not enough to surpass her.
I wish I had been enough for you. 
Because,

I MISS YOU.







"I'm in love with you, and I'm not in the business of denying myself the simple pleasure of saying true things. I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I'm in love with you."
-Augustus Waters, The Fault In Our Stars

Sofar Sounds

Creepy Crawling Self

I finally figured out why I'm so afraid of bugs.
It's because of the poisonous spiders that crawl around in my brain.
Biting any form of intelligence or feeling.
The ants give me chills even when I'm not cold.
They just like to see me squirm.
The centipedes hatching in my stomach.
Pretending to be butterflies so i'll keep on fooling myself.
My heart is a beehive.
Tricking me into being sweet to others,
But stinging them in the end,
And leaving me dead once again.
Earwigs are my veins.
And I can't help but cough up a beetle every now and then.
I'm heartless and scaly.
I'm barely alive,
And no one knows why I'm alive in the first place.
I look in the mirror and while some see beauty,
All I see is the flies that put the gleam in my eyes.

Lost Girl

I may know who I am but that doesn't mean I'm not lost.

I know what I want in life, but I don't know how to get it. 

I don't know what I'm meant to do.

And honestly we all are like that. 

But if you knew you me you would know what makes me different.

That I don't want to graduate, because I've found family. 

And family is never supposed to leave. 

Though all I've ever wanted to do is travel. 

Even though I'm not too good with change and the unknown. 

I like to build, 

Because I've been destroying too much in my life. 

I'm independent as fuck. 

I love to experience life and don't have freakishly high standards, 

But family is something i'll always care about.

(That lower case i is not a typo it's just something i do with that word.)

I'm crazy,

I'm reckless,

I'm unique,

And I love myself. 

Achievement Unlocked: Lost Girl Loves Life

Secondhand Smoke

I wish I had been your secondhand smoke.
If you had absorbed me the way I had you who knows where we'd be.
The only problem was you were too addicted to yourself.
I thought there was something deeper in your eyes,
But I've finally realized it was the haze from your pipe,
And your bloodshot eyes were not from tears of missing me.
You tried drowning me in your lies,
Though you soon figured out smoke and water don't mix.
Leaving me in the fog gasping for some fresh air.
My heart.
Slowed.
Your lungs.
Explode.
Now I'm just looking.
Because when you left I became addicted myself.
Luckily you have nicotine patches and gum,
But I?
I'm looking for something to cure the poison in my veins.
Something to take the taste of you off my lips.
Your love didn't just kill you.
Remember that.

I Should've Known

Neverland was beautiful.
But I should've known.
I found a new hope for life.
But I should've known.
I was reminded that happiness and love exists.
But I should've known.

Neverland is falling apart at the seams.
I should've known.
It's getting harder and harder to believe in fairies.
I should've known.
The second start to the right is becoming a super nova,
And I can't decide if I should cry or admire the beauty before it disappears forever.
I should've known.
I should've known my fears of growing up were inevitable.
I should've known.

Neverland was home for lost girls like me,
And lost girls like me were free.

Real Talk

Listen closely.
Because I'm only going to say this once.
I'm different then all of you.
My views have always been described as strange and stupid.
But here's my proof.
I lived.
I have depression.
I've attempted suicide.
I hate my family.
I have gossiped, backstabbed, lied,
And smiled while doing it.
But I have learned.
Learned what happiness is.
Learned what I should take control in and learned when I should sit back and enjoy the ride.
I've learned about love.
About how fun it is to throw reality into the background and live.
Breathe.
Here I stand before you all,
As someone who ran away from home one day and went to park city with a boy.
Someone who drove in a construction zone and night, and held the door open to knock down the cones.
Someone who hid friends in their basement because they smelled too much like weed to go home.
Someone who believes she is beautiful.
Someone who looks to Orion because he feels like a guardian to her.
Someone who doesn't give a fuck about what others think.
Someone who confronts the problem when it arises,
And is straight with the person so they can get it out of the way.
Someone who sneaks out in the middle of the night with her friends and blasts We're Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sisters.
Someone who falls in love with a guy after going out for merely two weeks.
Someone who fears the shadows but has become a part of them.
I've said it before and I'll never stop saying it.
I don't believe in science.
I don't believe in religion.
I believe in me.
I believe that the sun will come up tomorrow but it's so beautiful that I don't care why.
I don't tell people my problems too much because I know they'll go away soon.
I'll make them go away soon. 

This is me.
This is my real talk.
This is my goodbye to creative writing,
But my hello to a new semester and creative writing 2.
If you don't know me by now you weren't paying close enough attention.
Most of you may have not even turned your head.
But for those who have.
Thank you.
Thank you for caring.

i remember

I remember when I was little.
I remember when I was the cheerleader type.
A follower of the "popular group."
Though I always knew I didn't fit in.
I was shy from the beginning.
Never thinking for myself and just blending in.

I remember when that all began to change.
I remember when I met my new group of friends.
Going from one extreme to the other,
I finally discovered what the word opinion meant.
I also discovered what had been growing in me from the start.
The sadness.
The hate.
Unmerciful depression.

I remember when my sister told me about a class in high school.
Something I knew nothing about but felt something pulling me towards it.
I remember the play I went to in second grade.
I remember how that foreign place became my home.
I remember my first friend I made in high school,
And the family that formed around it.
I remember how I was saved.
How I became real.
Became myself.
And no one ran away.

I remember the bad and the good.
I remember years ago and I remember yesterday.
I remember the feelings I had that night.
I remember the sun will come up tomorrow and i'll get to start over.

One day i''ll remember my senior year.
Looking back on something few people who walked these halls could understand.
I'll remember my first car.
My first kiss.
The night drives.
I'll remember it all.
All that made me who I am today,
And the beauty of growing up.