Real Right Now

A week or two ago we had a lesson in laurels that you can have heartbreak and be happy at the same time. I'm not religious, but I had honestly never realized that before. Suddenly all the confusion in my brain got a little clearer.

I have four friends left.

One is my boyfriend, which means I have no idea how long we'll be friends because we all know what happens after you break up. But it doesn't have to be that way. He keeps me sane.

Second. A guy I've considered liking for a while but honestly it's not a good idea. He's good just as a friend anyways. I hope to visit him whenever I'm in town. If he decides to go on a mission I hope to be there for his farewell also.

Third. He is the closest to saint I've ever seen and I can't wait to see where he's going on his mission. He will be the richest out of all of us one day and I refuse to believe anything less.

Fourth. She isn't around too much anymore, but I hope to move to Washington with her in July. Every now and then when I meet up with her I feel the relief of talking to someone who isn't stuck. We're all stuck.

(Silver, if you're reading this don't feel insulted. We've been growing apart for a while now and you know it. We've both changed and it's for the better. I still like talking to you.)

(Pink, you're probably not reading this because we haven't talked in forever, but all I can think to say to you is I'm sorry, and I don't hate you if that's what you think.)

Everyone is talking about college, but also how they don't want to graduate. I say let me out already, but I'm not even going to college next year. I just want to figure out who the fuck I am.

When I started this year I could not imagine graduating. Though slowly but surely it became quite a desire.

I used to say what's the point in a very negative way.

Now I say it because I want a challenge.

I want to stop being pointless.

My grandpa died last week, and I don't know why I didn't tell anyone.

My ex is reading Peter Pan with his new girlfriend.

Joseph is my last play here.

I haven't gone into work in a week in a half. I'm probably gonna get fired.

I'm failing all my classes except two.

My dogs look like Yin and Yang. They're cute.

I want to read more. I want to play the piano more. I want to go to school while I can. I want to love my dad. I want to buy more records. I want to do my fucking laundry. I want to not need to sleep. I want to move to Washington for a year. I want to talk to my sister while she's in Germany. I want to talk to my mom while I'm in Washington. I don't want to be one of those people still in their hometown a year after they've graduated. I don't want to be one of those people still in their hometown three years after they've graduated. I want a job. I don't want a job I hate. I don't want to go to stage crew after the play is over. I want money. I don't want to be greedy. I want to go to Disneyland by myself for my senior trip.

I'm sitting here watching my cousins play Smash Bros. on our Wii U. I want to play, but I love to write. I should probably be sleeping soon because I need to get up in the morning for attendance school, because I need a lot of sleep to actually get up in the morning.

My dad is packing to leave for work. Just like he always has since I was born. I need gas, but I don't have any money.

My ex visited two days ago and it felt like old times. It could never be old times.

My mind has been muddled, but I'm so ready to wake up.

I went to my middle school last week. It was small and everyone was really short. My best friend kept telling me about all his good times there. I did not have to good of a time there myself. Lots of lessons though. I'm grateful for it.

I've been writing what's on my mind for too long now.

Peace.