When

When I was a kid I went to school not have showering for a week, because for some reason I hated it. My mother would finally make me take a shower, and I groaned all the way downstairs into my bathroom.

When I was a kid I got good grades (not like it was that hard), read all the time, and did my homework instantly as I got home from school.

When I was a kid I believed what they told me and thought I could be anything I wanted to be.

When I was a kid I was the snotty runt of the family. The tattletale. Going to my mom about every move my older sisters made.

When I was kid I punched my friend in the face, made multiple of them cry, and was the biggest bitch you could ever meet for only being elementary school.

When I was a kid I was a mama's girl. Even though I was terrible my mom encouraged who I was.


Now, I don't just see clouds. I don't just see stars. I'm not talking about all that science crap.

I evolved into a dreamer. Someone who actually cares about other peoples feelings. Though obviously I still make mistakes.

I evolved into a messed up kid with depression, and eyeliner that covers my eyes preventing people to look into my soul because the pain inside may crush their existence completely.

My parents wish me to go back to the way I was.

"I know the true you is inside, and I want to bring it back out."

That's what they say.

You know what that is?

Complete and utter denial.

Their too stupid to faced the fact that I've changed.

Even though I was happier back then and didn't have a care in the world I would never go back.

As blissful as oblivion is, I'm glad I know the real world. I'm glad I've seen trials that overcome me and the people I love. Because guess what. Every single one of those people are still here today and they are so much stronger then who they were as kids.

Yes, over and over the trials seemed way to big for a simple teenager to prevail. Though it's gotten very rough. It's in the past.

I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. But I guess I just need to get this out.

You know words can get to people in a way nothing else can. Whether it's music or poetry or a book. It hits a place in your heart that everything else just skims over.

I love words.

Depression is...

Depression is just...how do I put this...well...worse then your newborn child getting killed in front of you and your husband. Followed with any fear you have coming true all simultaneously.

If your only fear is your child getting killed in front of you and your husband.

You're lucky.

(I'm trying to be non violent or gruesome. Sorry if that was too much.)

Depression affects all aspects of your life.

Sleep.

Social life.

Self Esteem.

Grades.

Your career.

It can really affect anything if you let it, but those are just a few I thought of.

It can push you to the point where you take your own life.

The way the world can twist life is truly horrid.

With depression you could have one of the best days of your life, and yet still you find yourself lying in your bed at night and you can't help but cry yourself to sleep while your mind digs deep inside you shoving things into your thoughts that you can't control. It makes everything seem so hopeless and wrong. Makes you feel like all this is just too much. Honestly, sometimes it is. Sometimes you can't help but roll yourself up into a little ball on the floor in a room with no windows and no lights.

Though there is a door. In the darkness you can't see it, but it's there. On the other side is a make shift paradise. It's far from perfect, but it's your happy place. The place where the stars shine bright. The moon battles the night shining everywhere it can see and touch. Yes, it makes shadows, but it makes them beautiful. It makes everything beautiful. A place where your fear can be right in front of your face, but you don't care, because you're in the one place you feel safe, and nothing can even begin to take you down.

Uncurl your soul, and search for the door where the air is fresh and crisp. You've been through enough. You deserve it.

If it takes a while to find the door, don't give up. It's there. You may have passed it over and over not realizes that, that is what you were feeling for, but you'll find it, and you'll finally achieve your hole in the wall paradise.

Alone

When every one has gone
And you're finally left alone
You're forced to face the truth
Fake smiles can come unsewn

You distract yourself and try to avoid
What's inside your blacked bones
You act like you are fine
But silence shows you your heart of crumbling stones

The guilt you have the love you found
Toss back and fourth if you made the right choice
Both things seem like they are meant to be
Though now you've hallowed out your voice

The supposed close ones that help you out
Have lost all faith in you
Words and actions so hurtful said to be love
Made you nothing but residue

They will never know what's under your skin
Patch up the bruises to hide the truth
You must not let someone heal your wounds
For hurt comes with that pursuit

Words To You (Hopefully you know who you are)

Dear Onion,

I have no idea how you will react to this, nor at what point in life you will get to reading this, but even so I have come to some strange conclusion in my head that this post should happen (good old 4:00 in the morning mind of mine.)

First of all, yes, you are now apparently named Onion...

No comment.

Now to my brain and the fact that I'm more insane then a mental institution.

Not sure where to start, but hey, technically I've already started.

(Remember this is at 4:00 in the morning...and I'm bad with words...please...)

How about...

I love you.

Those words are said too much, but I understand why, because these words cover what I can't say. If I could, I would go on and on in poetic words saying everything you meant to me, but unfortunately I'm no Shakespeare, in fact quite the opposite, so I'm stuck with a limit.

Also...

Thank you.

It's good that you're just as stubborn as me because you insist to know more about me, and while it may seem a lot of the time that I don't care, or that I have nothing to say. It's because there are so many words in my head I couldn't simply attempt to begin forming a sentence out of them.

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Now I'm going to try and express myself in most likely the weirdest way anyone ever has.

You are the beautiful sunsets that I love to watch in the fall.
You are the rare treat that appears in my school lunches every now and then.
You are driving with my music up all the way with the windows down on a clear night.
You are the feeling I get what I look up at the stars.
You are the smell of a new book.
You are Martinelli's and the holidays.
You are that feeling I get when I'm around puppies or babies.
You are the thing in my life that can stop time all together.
You are you.
And that is perfect.

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You asked me where my home was and fear crept inside me because at points I'm not sure, but when I think of my definition of home I can't help but associate it with the feeling I get when I'm in your arms. More specifically, when we hug and my head is on your chest hearing your heartbeat and you rest your chin on my head. Then as we pull away you kiss my forehead and then follow with a grin of a four year old.

I'm scared to tell you you are my home, but at the same time I must be honest. I'm young and immature, but in those moments it's the one time I truly feel safe. So excuse me if I'm wrong or assuming, but that's the way I feel.

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Something I've never said to you, but probably should, is that I love how you look on the world. How that comment about the family at Red Robin really stuck out to me. How you notice the world in a way people wouldn't think. It's hard to explain, but the way you see things amazes me. The way you react. The way you speak. How changed you can be in differing situations. I hope you don't take any of this the wrong way. I guess I just wanted to say that you've surprised me.

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I'm not sure why I put this as a post, and this is a lot less poetic then I hoped it would be. Actions speak louder than words, and I know my actions aren't always the best, particularly my insensitivity in words and me not helping your asthma, but I wake up in the morning and I think of you. I go to bed at night and I'm still thinking of you. My day goes by and every now and then I get this smile on my face because I simply can't keep the thought of you from my mind.

I LOVE YOU!

I'm scared of the way I feel and am hesitant because of it, but it is a fact.


P.S.- Please tell me when you have read this because, well, it'd be nice to know.

P.P.S.- Again please remember I'm writing this at 4:00 in the morning, but I hope you get my point.

In This World

You know I'm a dreamer.

I look at the big things I want in life and know that I could be really happy doing these things and want to do everything in my power to get there.

But!

Sometimes I need to take a step back and remember the little things! Because, depending my happiness on things to come is dangerous. Never forget that noticing the little things is a good thing. I admit I forget about them a lot of the time. It's easy when things get bad to think about how different things will be in the future and how big changes will happen. Though honestly I have a lot of good things in life today. I get breaks from school, where it kind of seems like life stops for a bit and I can catch my breath. While I do count down the days for school to come back, I also appreciate what I get because in my dreams down the road I don't get breaks, and that's going to suck. Of course that is only one situation and there really are a ton out there.

I've never been good at being optimistic. At all. Which has made me think it's nearly impossible for me to ever be like that. Yes, I will always be negative in some things, thank you depression, but there is always a positive side to a situation. So maybe being a bit happier isn't as far as thought if slowly I start and try to back up for a second and look at the positive side of things. Who knows what could happen.

That's why New Years is my favorite holiday. It helps people feel like they can start over and realize that it's not too late to do what you want. It makes what seems impossible not so hard anymore. It makes you face yourself and make decisions that need to be made.

I'm not completely sure what I was going for in this post. Maybe I just wanted proof later on that the world can be good sometimes. Maybe it was something a bit deeper but a failed attempt to discover the true meaning of what going on inside my head.

I guess I'll just leave with the thought that I wonder how prepared I am for what's going to happen this year and just how many things will happen. I look back to who I was a year ago, and feel like my years are growing longer or getting filled with more and more things happening. Obviously I won't know until it happens, but I'm excited to explore and see what more I can learn about this truly insane world.

Day To Day

Day to day we live our lives, 

Telling ourselves lies,

And making up things just so we can breathe when we wake up in the morning.

We say everything is going to be alright, and we make promises we will never keep,

Because we want to keep them, 

Though even the greatest of people cannot defy the laws of life.

We go to school trying to cover up the bruises we get from home, 

Or maybe the fresh cuts from the night before, 

Saying one day this will all change and I'll be okay. 

One day I'll be free.

We get our hearts broken over and over,

Never really knowing the truth of what happened.

But we put a band aid over the hole is our hearts,

Telling ourselves one day we'll find someone who can fill the holes, 

And will pick us up and make us happy.

We dream that one day things will change,

That everything will be okay. 

But how does this happen?

One day do we just wake up and everything is different.

No.

We grow up dreaming of the day things will change, 

But guess what.

If you want things to change you got to get up and change it.

Things you do as a teenager will follow you through your life. 

They become habits and won't go away when you get what you want.

You can try to find yourself in your dreams,

But it won't work.

You have to look inside yourself and finally face what’s going on. 

Dissect your emotions.

Some situations you have to wait until you gain more control, 

But there is always something you can do to prepare, 

There is always an answer,

Though it may be vague. 

Just know you have to fight.

If you want to get what you want you have to live and breathe it. 

Work everyday for it, so one day you can prevail.

Never ever think someone is less than you, 

But again do not think someone is better than you.

Don't compare yourself to someone else, 

Because you are unique and comparing yourself is impossible.

Day to day we go through the motions of life, 

Living nearly the same day over and over. 

For people that is okay. 

But never forget you can make every day memorable by defying what society thinks, 

And not being scared to be unashamed of who you are.

We are humans.

We make mistakes.

We have emotions.

We will face hell.

But never let others bring you down.

Never let them hurt you.

Because one day everyone one who doubted you.

Everyone who called you names and told you who you were.

Everyone who dared try to control who you are.

They will realize they were wrong. 

Maybe they won't,

But you don't need their approval anyways.

Go ahead and look for that day.

But also look at where you are now,

And act. Live. Push on and fight.