I Am Everthing

Who am I?
At this moment.
Not my past, not my future.
Now.
I am that look in your eyes I haven't seen in months.
I am the knives in a back,
Wounds fresh and bleeding uncontrollably.
I am confident yet scared in a shrink room.
I am digging to find my heart that's praying for a new beginning.
But my nails aren't strong enough.
Yet somehow I do the impossible.
I take what should be bad and find living.
No no. Living free.
I create a shovel out of that late hazy night,
The snapchats I overthink,
The sweet and different,
And not you.
You put my heart in that coffin a long time ago,
And only decided to let me save it now.
But guess what.
I don't need you. 
That's what you miscalculated.
My feelings.
Though I guess you never really cared about them in the first place.
You held me back from my great perhaps.
And now I'm free.
So in the most fucked up way.
Thanks.

Well shit...

To you,

You would know who you are if you actually read this, but I know this will never reach your deep blue eyes.

We. Were. Great.

You put me in a fantasy I never thought I deserved to live. You took my battered body and kissed every bruise until I got better. You took my withered soul and held it with such passion I couldn't have gotten out if I wanted to.

You loved me.

All I did was wear you out.

I knew I was never meant for someone great. I would destroy them. Some faster than others. Though you, you were the one that stayed the longest. You cared so deeply my flaws didn't matter, and suddenly I loved you too.

I still love you.

Honestly I don't know what happened. We talked about the future right up to the point you threw our future in the trash. And trust me, you didn't do it nicely. You took the heart I gave you and slowly tore it apart in front of me. Months of my great memories were your worst nightmare.

Though it wasn't my fault.

I wanted to help. 

I never wanted my problems to cover yours. I just wanted trust.

Then suddenly you turn on me for your own mistakes.

And I'm okay. I've been happier actually. Realizing everything I gave to you was now mine again. Seeing what I was becoming for you, when I didn't even truly know you.

But don't interpret. My feelings are there no matter how much you hurt me. Love never dies for me. I'm not sure why. You will always have a part of me.

My nights.

My days.

My thoughts.

My memories.

I'm trying so hard not to let those last few minutes ruin everything we had. But when your heart gets broken it not easy to think straight.

I cry.

I get mad.

I miss you.

...I miss you...

"Love wouldn't be love without the pain."

Thinking

I lay scrolling through the people that have it worse then me.
Thinking I should be happy compared to these people.
Though somehow here I am crying.
Trying to get some sleep, but my mind is too busy thinking.
Thinking about the people I love.
Thinking about how they probably don't even care about me.
Wondering about my life.
My future.
Wondering if I'll ever see what shit it becomes.
Pondering my control.
Not pondering because I have no control.
I was doing great.
No no.
I was pretending I was doing great.
Masking everything underneath.
Pushing the demons down to see if there was any room for emotion in me.
All of this to be lost.
A crossroads with infinite options.
And I wonder why my head is so full.
Follow the yellow brick road.
Second star to the right.
Just keep swimming.
I can't.
The hollow feeling inside me is back.
I don't think it's leaving until I'm gone.

Me In A Nut Shell

"I'm not okay!" - My Chemical Romance

"Sometimes to stay alive you got to kill your mind." - Twenty One Pilots

"I will tell you what I can, But your mind will take a stand. I sing of a greater love. Let me know when you've had enough." - Twenty One Pilots

"You will never know. What's under me skin. So won't you say goodnight. So I can say goodbye." Twenty One Pilots

"I hate the ending myself, but it started with an alright scene." - My Chemical Romance

"I will not bow." - Breaking Benjamin

"I'm dying alone." - Greek Fire

"Spiders crawled inside, and made themselves a home." - Twenty One Pilots

"My treehouse is on fire, and for some reason I smell gas on my hands. This is not what I had planned." - Twenty One Pilots

"Leave me alone. Don't leave me alone." - Twenty One Pilots

"Put a bullet where I should've put a helmet." - Bleachers

"The piano plays a melancholy soundtrack to her smile." - The Airborne Toxic Event

"Let's be alone together." - Fall Out Boy

"I will stand. A broken man." - Boys Like Girls

"Burry me. The hardest part of this is leaving you." - My Chemical Romance

Depression Meets Happiness

You're okay. You're okay.

Someone once told me that they say things to convince themselves it's a reality.
You're okay. 
I feel like I tried it, but I'm not really sure.
What's the word for being too damaged to do something that's so easy?
Broken?
I feel as though that word is too...sweet.
When I have crumpled to the floor because I'm crying too hard to stand. Broken is heavenly.
"But angel you have wings," my mind says.
"You can fly away from this."

No.

This isn't some illusion I have put myself in.
This isn't a choice I have made at all.
Anyone who willingly puts themselves through this when they have wings?
They're insane.
And I'm not insane...
Not in that way.
"Wait." my mind says.
"You are no angel."
"Angels are so much more than...this."
"You."
"You are from Hell."
"There cannot be anything even possibly heavenly in you."
Suddenly my mind starts disappearing like crayons in the hands of a three year old.
A voice entices me to look up.
To take that narrow minded view and toss it, because my crayons my mind thought so important are now useless stubs.
The voice tells me to look up into hopes eyes.
Hope. Saves me.
It wraps its arms around me, though still holding my gaze.
Hope. Brought happiness to meet my mind.
My mind resists and wants to cry in the corner about the lost crayons.
It missed the blacks and browns and greys that made such beautiful pictures.
But happiness wipes my minds tears and presents a new set of crayons.
Purples. Blues. Reds.
And so many shades in between.
Nothing my mind had ever seen.
And now my mind realizes it has finally found a friend.
Happiness is its view and hope is its home.
"I'm sorry." says my mind.
"I see now that you are more than Heaven or Hell."
"You are a phoenix. You now have wings larger than any angel. You are invincible. But that doesn't mean you won't burn. Trust me, you'll definitely burn, but don't worry. It only adds a fire in your eyes.  And when it gets so bad you turn to ash you will rise from those ashes even better than before. So stand up. Look up."

Trying

I sit here making my fingers do a dance across my keyboard,
But something is missing.
The heart.
I yearn for the days I could sit down and type out my feelings in beautiful sonnets.
Though my mind reminds me that, that was so long ago.
I wonder why it had to leave, and suddenly I sit here crying.
Crying because something I held so dear to me is gone.
Words were my only way to understand the world and how it can be so cruel.
Words were my Rosetta Stone to understand how my heart can pump but not feel.
Then suddenly all I am is a Jukebox in a run down diner with surprisingly good pie.
I sit and wait.
Not being able to do anything unless someone tells me to.
They give me coins, which I only pass on to other people.
In return, I search inside myself and try to play their favorite song.
Yes, I'm out of date, but it seems to me that empathy is too.
And on that note when I'm broken and can't use myself to please you,
I beg of you to not hit me repeatedly or throw me in a junkyard.
Because you may be made of bones, and I of screws, but I'm trying.
And just as a pointer I've found I reply a lot better to caring than abuse and abandonment.

I've Been

It's been too long.

Though I've decided it's okay when the day comes that I leave this petite little home of mine and slowly move on from these words.

Because that means something. It means I have taken the leap from writing down what I want to actually getting it.

I will never forget all the words I have written, but I will be happy to move on when the time comes.

Where have I been?

Well...

I've been in his breaths that come and go so smoothly. They take me in and make me feel so safe and warm.

We sway through the waves and the lightning knowing that as long as we hold our gaze and see the stars sparkle in each others eyes we don't need necessities of life. (Air? Psh, not a need at all.)

I've been in her smiles. The ones I never thought I'd see again. The laughs. The memories. It's something so pure. I'm the luckiest person on earth to have found something so blissful.

I've been in tears. Hovering above all the people I care for that feel so cold when I need a fire to thaw my heart.

I've been in my music. The sweet symphonies that make me believe a god could exist, because nothing of this world could create such sunrise.

I've been lost.

I've been found.

I've been up.

I've been down.

Though mostly I've been in a haze. Wondering too much.

Don't we all?

That is why we're all here on these blogs that no one reads.

We write our souls with a pen hooked to our veins for ink. Leaking everything we can onto the page so we can see a little clearer.

We walk down the halls thinking, if only they knew.

We are the shadows trying to escape from the humans we are attached to because we want a life of our own. We don't want this body that's full of insecurity and has thoughts too loud but a voice to small.

We want to fly.