101

I just realized that Real Right Now was my 100th post.

Holy shit...

I started this blog the beginning of my junior year. It's crazy to think how much has happened since then.

Back then I was still holding onto my sophomore year and my ex-boyfriend. (typical Kenzie)

I was just starting to gain confidence in myself, but I was still so intrigued with this new thing I had found called love.

Love is the most important thing to me. I told my sophomore friend my life story a month and a half ago or so and he said he admired the fact that the most important parts to me were my relationships. Then just this past week I was talking to my cousin on a midnight hike. I told him a little bit about my relationships and I realized while I was talking to him how important it all was to me. How I don't care about having a big house. I don't care about having the best job in the world - though I still want to follow my dreams - over all of my other dreams I want someone to wake up to every morning. And yes we'll probably try spooning while sleeping, then realize how uncomfortable it is and sleep on separate sides, but so what. I get someone who wants to spend the rest of their lives with me. What on this world is more beautiful than that?

I've had 12 relationships starting my seventh grade year. Each relationship has made me grow more than any friendship I've ever had. I don't know if that's strange. But I think it's kinda cool.

Anyways, totally sidetracked.

This is post 101.

101 posts of depression, complaining, and drama.

101 post and I'm driving in my friends passenger seat with my boyfriends grinning at the back of my head while we blast Coral Bones. (look them up. they're so good.)

101 posts and I'm happy.

101 posts and my friend group has done a 360 no scope and I'm surrounded by the people I never thought I'd be close to. But now I love them. I love them and I'm tired of the past. I'm tired of the drama, and I want to live.

A friend of mine got sent to St George by his parents. That sucked.

An old friend got bullied out of our family. If it counts for anything, I'm sorry.

I'm not sure what I'm writing anymore. I'm kinda just doing another right now.

28 days guys.

28 days and these halls will not be ours anymore.

28 days and then who knows if we'll be remembered.

Who will remember us?

Does it matter?

Should we care about being noteworthy to a bunch of high school students?

Should we pray paint our names on the walls in our blood to mark all the late night papers? All the books read on sparks notes?

Though honestly besides the paper cuts it was more emotional than physical. So maybe our names are painted on the walls. Emotionally...cuz that makes sense... #poetrygonewrong

I don't know. Let's just all be sentimental for a day. Maybe we should do it for a class period. We can make poetic metaphors and all that fun shit. I have no idea.

Just know that we have 28 days left and I don't know everyones name in our class. Sorry Nelson. I feel like everyone has been saying that a lot.

28 days.

Damn.

Real Right Now

A week or two ago we had a lesson in laurels that you can have heartbreak and be happy at the same time. I'm not religious, but I had honestly never realized that before. Suddenly all the confusion in my brain got a little clearer.

I have four friends left.

One is my boyfriend, which means I have no idea how long we'll be friends because we all know what happens after you break up. But it doesn't have to be that way. He keeps me sane.

Second. A guy I've considered liking for a while but honestly it's not a good idea. He's good just as a friend anyways. I hope to visit him whenever I'm in town. If he decides to go on a mission I hope to be there for his farewell also.

Third. He is the closest to saint I've ever seen and I can't wait to see where he's going on his mission. He will be the richest out of all of us one day and I refuse to believe anything less.

Fourth. She isn't around too much anymore, but I hope to move to Washington with her in July. Every now and then when I meet up with her I feel the relief of talking to someone who isn't stuck. We're all stuck.

(Silver, if you're reading this don't feel insulted. We've been growing apart for a while now and you know it. We've both changed and it's for the better. I still like talking to you.)

(Pink, you're probably not reading this because we haven't talked in forever, but all I can think to say to you is I'm sorry, and I don't hate you if that's what you think.)

Everyone is talking about college, but also how they don't want to graduate. I say let me out already, but I'm not even going to college next year. I just want to figure out who the fuck I am.

When I started this year I could not imagine graduating. Though slowly but surely it became quite a desire.

I used to say what's the point in a very negative way.

Now I say it because I want a challenge.

I want to stop being pointless.

My grandpa died last week, and I don't know why I didn't tell anyone.

My ex is reading Peter Pan with his new girlfriend.

Joseph is my last play here.

I haven't gone into work in a week in a half. I'm probably gonna get fired.

I'm failing all my classes except two.

My dogs look like Yin and Yang. They're cute.

I want to read more. I want to play the piano more. I want to go to school while I can. I want to love my dad. I want to buy more records. I want to do my fucking laundry. I want to not need to sleep. I want to move to Washington for a year. I want to talk to my sister while she's in Germany. I want to talk to my mom while I'm in Washington. I don't want to be one of those people still in their hometown a year after they've graduated. I don't want to be one of those people still in their hometown three years after they've graduated. I want a job. I don't want a job I hate. I don't want to go to stage crew after the play is over. I want money. I don't want to be greedy. I want to go to Disneyland by myself for my senior trip.

I'm sitting here watching my cousins play Smash Bros. on our Wii U. I want to play, but I love to write. I should probably be sleeping soon because I need to get up in the morning for attendance school, because I need a lot of sleep to actually get up in the morning.

My dad is packing to leave for work. Just like he always has since I was born. I need gas, but I don't have any money.

My ex visited two days ago and it felt like old times. It could never be old times.

My mind has been muddled, but I'm so ready to wake up.

I went to my middle school last week. It was small and everyone was really short. My best friend kept telling me about all his good times there. I did not have to good of a time there myself. Lots of lessons though. I'm grateful for it.

I've been writing what's on my mind for too long now.

Peace.

Chopped Peanuts

It all started with some chopped peanuts.
No.
No it didn't.
It started a long time ago.
Before I could ever possibly realize.
Then after one crush and three relationships...
Well,
Here we are.
And we are eagles.
We are flying,
Living,
Breathing.
I don't understand it all quite yet,
But I do know one thing.
I'm happy. 
So fuck it all.
Let's put our middle fingers up and own the whole damn sky.
Because we can,
But only for two months,
So let's try and make the best of it.

P.S. You make me feel like Margo Roth Spiegelman.

Background 00's Music Into A One Man Show

You were written in the background.
But you were the only real things on stage.
Straight to the point just like always.
The stage is a mess.
The words are whispered.
The eyebrows raised.
We're all just too scared to acknowledge it.
But you,
You are as transparent as the ocean on a clear day.
If there's a fish swimming to the surface you can see it.
But the ocean floors are dusty.
You have to wade into the water to feel.
You have to dive into the depths,
And it's so beautiful,
I don't know why people don't do it often.
I'm scared of water,
But I'm ready to have my eyes opened.
So let me toss this ocean shit,
And be clear myself.
I like you.
With you it's real.
I didn't like you at first,
Because even you can't deny,
You're rough to get used to.
But I always knew there was something more,
And now I'm finally seeing it.
You're my best friend.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
So with this low key salute,
I thank you.
It's a real great time around you,
And I don't know how you feel,
But I'm finally not worried about it.
So again,
Thank you,
I like smiling into your solid eyes.