Simply A Salute

I know most of you are connected to your pen name. You created them to be the person to say everything about yourself that you can't.

I created Jessie Lyric Phoenix about a year ago. When I began this blog my pen name was Panda Wallflower. Not much depth. Just things I liked. But then there was a change in the stars. I needed meaning. An explanation of who I really was. I needed a change.

An example of who I wanted to be.

A love for who I was.

That's when Jessie Lyric Phoenix was born.
sound a bit like Margo Roth Spiegelman?



Jessie - The Master Builder, Leader, Confidence, Organization.

Lyric - Musical, Dependable, Hard-Working.

Phoenix - Independent, Ambitious, Inventive, Strong-willed, Reborn.



This is the best way I can describe myself.

The thing is I don't really know who I am and who I'm going to be.

So I asked the people closest to me what they think makes me who I am. And this is what they said:

"Probably.. The fact the you're not afraid to be yourself - you're proud of who you are and every decision you've made. It's that inner strength and headstrong-ness, I think."

"Your ability to pouch through hard times."

"You say what you think when you think it. That's pretty noteworthy to me. :)"

"Your creativity."

"Well you're very independent and somewhat free spirited. :) You just go your own way."

"Your past experiences and your genetics."

"Your values and interests and the people you choose to spend your time with? Everything you do makes you you."

"You're persistent and mysterious."

"Well I think your love of music, your friends, and the way you look at and interpret life. But I can never tell you what makes you "you" because who you are is what you want to be, and what you want to be can change from day to day, short term, present, and long term. Who you are isn't something you can determine in a day. It takes a lifetime."

"You're detail oriented."

"Your sarcasm, and you have good judgment of character."

"You're not afraid to be yourself and you don't care what people think about you......you're brave, beautiful, caring, funny, etc....."

Hopefully I explained myself well enough. If not my posts are where my heart is.

See Jessie Lyric Phoenix is someone I created to be who I couldn't upfront. Like most of you did. But it's been long enough where I became her.

Before I was her my depression controlled me. I was never really happy, and I cared way too much about what other people thought.

But Jessie took my hand, cleared my head, and made me want to live.

This is less of a goodbye to Jessie and more of a salute.

She taught me how to be everything I wanted.

She taught me to be the real Makenzie Kristine Stratford.
Though I do prefer just Kenzie. 

I'm Stuck On Repeat

My heart is on the floor.
The beat fades slowly,
As the music or the world surrounds me.
The laughing is the beat.
The words said behind my back are harmonizing.
And my tears at the end are what make the song oh so popular.
Life put my iPod on repeat and now it's all I know.

I know there's more out there.
I know it.

These Are The Days I Live For

What could be more perfect then a day you're okay. 

A day where despite your depression being affected by the coming winter, 

Nothing, can wipe that smile off your face. 

A day that holds a moment so pure, 

You detach yourself from the scene just to admire that this is your life. 

A day where your time with everything is balanced. 

And where the world gives its approval by giving you the most beautiful amber sunset.

These are the days I love. 

These are to days I don't need to dream. 

These are the days I live for. 

Hello My Old Heart

Dear Jessie,
Wake up!
It's 1 in the afternoon and your eyelids are still dragging on the ground.
I know you're tired of seeing the same olds,
But I can help.
The problem is you've been thinking with me.
Not feeling with me.
You think I'm the one leading you through all these ditches?
That crack head brain of yours has been twisting my words.
Haven't you been wondering what those pains in your chest are?
Listen to me!
You write like your dad,
You act like your friends,
You change yourself all the time to please others,
And when you're alone you just having staring contests with the wall.
What part of you is yours?
You may think you lost yourself in the heartbreak you find in everyone you trust,
But I'm still here. 
You are still here!
Dig deeper.
Look in the mirror and find yourself.
Not your insecurities.
Don't wait for tomorrow,
Because you only live today.
See the world around you and breathe.
Do what you love instead of planning to do what you love.
When you feel alone remember me.
Gaze at the stars.
We've both been here since the beginning.
You keep on trying to get rid of me,
But can't you see how great we could be?

Always by your side, 

Heart

Letters to the Hitchhikers in My Life

Blue - It's been a year now. I still miss you. But it's more who you were then who you are now. Maybe one day we'll be friends again. Our paths are a bit stuck together now anyways. And I don't really see that changing in the future. For one I want to say thank you. You were there for me when no one else was. You have made such a positive change in my life. I will forever be in your debt for that. I would also like you to know that I'm sorry. I didn't know it at the time, but I see what I did to you. I deprived you of the life you deserve. I hope you look on the good times when you think of me though. There's so many questions I'd like to ask you. But somewhere in my gut I feel like I should keep them to myself. You're doing much better unattached.

Silver - You're one of the most amazing people in my life. Though I know our days are numbered. I'm going to have to drop you off at your destination soon. I hope it doesn't end up like that, but I can't help but feel you secretly resent me. A lot. We have different opinions now. Developing our minds in parting directions. But I want you to know that I always remember you. You really do mean a lot to me. I just know you're one of those people I'm going to look up on Facebook twenty years from now, and you'll be this amazing accomplished adventure taking person. You deserve that life.

Red - Dear me. It's been a while. I tried to tell you this in person but you wouldn't take me seriously. You've changed so much. But I do want to say thank you. You introduced me to confidence and beauty. Told me that I did and could posses these things. I felt like a ghost when we first met. But you saw me. I know you're long gone now, but just know I think of you every now and then. You changed my life more then you could ever know.

White - You are my favorite sibling. You have saved me so many times. Especially that one night. Thank you for being the calm one I can relate to. I hope we never distance ourselves because I want you in my life for a long time. That's what family is for right? I hope you get that restaurant you want. I hope you watch every fandom possible, and that your still going to Comic Con when you're eighty.

Black - I'm scared we're going to lose contact after high school. You are my best friend yet I feel like you're the person I know the least about. I didn't always know we could be close and I could talk to you. I know I can now. No matter how much you get distracted hah. I love who you are as a person. You have this unique way you act. It's hard to explain but it's my favorite part about you. I hope you find someone that truly makes you happy one day.

Grey - I wonder how our lives would have gone if you hadn't moved. You're one of the few hitchhikers I had to drop off early then you wished. I truly do love you. There was just a moment when we were hurting more than helping. You're empathy is very strong. While you've gotten punched in the face for it I hope you know it's a good thing. You were a good friend. I'm sorry things happened the way they did.

Purple - You began the part of my life that is actually living. I've seen you change the most. You may think we are still friends in some way. You text me every now and then. I don't know why. You kind of piss me off if we are together for to long. Sorry... We were good friends while it lasted.

Yellow - I haven't spoken to you in...a very long time. It's funny to me we still have those awkward waves in the halls every now and then. I don't know you. I don't know you friends. We had a class together last year and you seemed exactly the same. You helped me be who I am today. Though you may not be so how about how. When I look into a new friend I look for basically everything opposite of you. I step up for myself now, which you never let me do. I look for someone with depth. Someone accepting and different. Thanks for giving me a spine.

Orange - I know we have good memories somewhere. You were gone a lot, but you always made the weekends good. We were okay when it was the six of us. Though every time it was just you and I the only thing I can think of is the awkward atmosphere. Then I grew up. That didn't help. You got lazy. I became a teenage girl with depression. We'll always have one thing in common. I wouldn't have put a temper on the top of my list though.

Green - I feel like we live in a soap opera. You are completely insane. I keep on debating if you actually love me, or the fact that every time you say it is for self-benefit isn't a coincidence. You say you would do anything for me. But you don't even know the real me. You keep me in a box because everything outside of your opinion in unacceptable. I love the times we can make things work. I just wish there weren't so few of them.

Awkward - YOU ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. ...but your adorable smile keeps pulling me back in... 

Trans - I tell myself we would never be friends if it weren't for Silver. And while that's probably true I'm glad things worked out the way they did. Yes I have a short fuse and you are very sensitive. We make it work though. And we've had some pretty damn good times because of it. Your future is very bright. I see you becoming more of what you want to be every day.

Light - I miss you. You're name is the most accurate, because that's what you were to me. Seeing you decline in that way was heart breaking. You bring tears to my eyes every time I think of you. I hope you loved me as much as I love you.

How To Shit On Your Life

I walked ran out of church today,
Jumped in my car,
Hefted up my accepted maxi skirt,
Took off my cardigan to embrace the sun,
and went for a drive.
But I didn't take off my shoes.

I thought of all the things I wanted to be.
What I want to do while I'm still stuck in this hell hole.
And where I want to go when I finally got it off my back.
I tried to drive in a direction where I didn't see any mountains.
But this place is so damn closed in.
I wanted me and the road and a destination I couldn't see.
But these god damned mountains give everyone inside them a planned future in "the way things should be."
I thought about leaving these mountains as soon as I could.
But I didn't take my shoes off.

I thought about all I could remember in my 15 years here.
The evolution of my friends.
The evolution of myself.
I saw what made me who I am today.
And no matter the pain.
It was worth it. 
Don't mistake that with it's going to be worth it.
I see this paper town.
With paper smiles and paper reasons.
Then I look at the memories I've made.
The friends I have today.
All concrete.
All real. 
I thought about these misfits I'd miss when I leave.
But I didn't take off my shoes.

I thought about all the these holding me back.
The scolding from the oh so wiser people.
The grades.
The money.
But they all forgot that I don't give a shit.
I'm not going to let this hold me back like it does everyone else.
They provide walls to a home,
But they don't let you out.
They don't let you see the sky
And touch the stars.
They make you say good enough over and over.
I gazed at the stars and thought.
But I didn't take my shoes off.

I thought. 
That's the problem here.
Thinking is what makes something amazing an almost.
Leaving who you are, to could've been.
And your life as good enough.
Don't be afraid to heft up your skirt and take a different turn.
To embrace what's so far away.
Take that long breath as you plunge your toes in the sand.
And take your damn shoes off.

My Dark Passenger

I fear my dark passenger. 

He tells me he's my best friend. 

Always around telling me what to think. 

What to do. 

He whispers in the back of my mind what people actually think about me. 

He tells me their smiles are fake. 

Their worried brows.

Their nervous small talk. 

It's all a lie.

He tells me to go home instead. 

To be alone. 

Sit on the couch. 

Lay there and think about all the things wrong with my life.

All the Depression.

All the Loneliness.

All the Hopelessness this world offers. 

I want it all to go away. 

This is what he does to me.

I tell him all my insecurities. 

That's what best friends do.....right?

And he laughs in my face. 

Making me think of it all at once. 

It Devours me. 

I just want to be happy. 

I don't need money. 

I don't need fame. 

I'll admit it would be nice...

But all I truly want is happiness, 

And someone besides my dark passenger

To hold me when it's not there.