Secondhand Smoke

I wish I had been your secondhand smoke.
If you had absorbed me the way I had you who knows where we'd be.
The only problem was you were too addicted to yourself.
I thought there was something deeper in your eyes,
But I've finally realized it was the haze from your pipe,
And your bloodshot eyes were not from tears of missing me.
You tried drowning me in your lies,
Though you soon figured out smoke and water don't mix.
Leaving me in the fog gasping for some fresh air.
My heart.
Slowed.
Your lungs.
Explode.
Now I'm just looking.
Because when you left I became addicted myself.
Luckily you have nicotine patches and gum,
But I?
I'm looking for something to cure the poison in my veins.
Something to take the taste of you off my lips.
Your love didn't just kill you.
Remember that.

I Should've Known

Neverland was beautiful.
But I should've known.
I found a new hope for life.
But I should've known.
I was reminded that happiness and love exists.
But I should've known.

Neverland is falling apart at the seams.
I should've known.
It's getting harder and harder to believe in fairies.
I should've known.
The second start to the right is becoming a super nova,
And I can't decide if I should cry or admire the beauty before it disappears forever.
I should've known.
I should've known my fears of growing up were inevitable.
I should've known.

Neverland was home for lost girls like me,
And lost girls like me were free.

Real Talk

Listen closely.
Because I'm only going to say this once.
I'm different then all of you.
My views have always been described as strange and stupid.
But here's my proof.
I lived.
I have depression.
I've attempted suicide.
I hate my family.
I have gossiped, backstabbed, lied,
And smiled while doing it.
But I have learned.
Learned what happiness is.
Learned what I should take control in and learned when I should sit back and enjoy the ride.
I've learned about love.
About how fun it is to throw reality into the background and live.
Breathe.
Here I stand before you all,
As someone who ran away from home one day and went to park city with a boy.
Someone who drove in a construction zone and night, and held the door open to knock down the cones.
Someone who hid friends in their basement because they smelled too much like weed to go home.
Someone who believes she is beautiful.
Someone who looks to Orion because he feels like a guardian to her.
Someone who doesn't give a fuck about what others think.
Someone who confronts the problem when it arises,
And is straight with the person so they can get it out of the way.
Someone who sneaks out in the middle of the night with her friends and blasts We're Not Gonna Take It by Twisted Sisters.
Someone who falls in love with a guy after going out for merely two weeks.
Someone who fears the shadows but has become a part of them.
I've said it before and I'll never stop saying it.
I don't believe in science.
I don't believe in religion.
I believe in me.
I believe that the sun will come up tomorrow but it's so beautiful that I don't care why.
I don't tell people my problems too much because I know they'll go away soon.
I'll make them go away soon. 

This is me.
This is my real talk.
This is my goodbye to creative writing,
But my hello to a new semester and creative writing 2.
If you don't know me by now you weren't paying close enough attention.
Most of you may have not even turned your head.
But for those who have.
Thank you.
Thank you for caring.

i remember

I remember when I was little.
I remember when I was the cheerleader type.
A follower of the "popular group."
Though I always knew I didn't fit in.
I was shy from the beginning.
Never thinking for myself and just blending in.

I remember when that all began to change.
I remember when I met my new group of friends.
Going from one extreme to the other,
I finally discovered what the word opinion meant.
I also discovered what had been growing in me from the start.
The sadness.
The hate.
Unmerciful depression.

I remember when my sister told me about a class in high school.
Something I knew nothing about but felt something pulling me towards it.
I remember the play I went to in second grade.
I remember how that foreign place became my home.
I remember my first friend I made in high school,
And the family that formed around it.
I remember how I was saved.
How I became real.
Became myself.
And no one ran away.

I remember the bad and the good.
I remember years ago and I remember yesterday.
I remember the feelings I had that night.
I remember the sun will come up tomorrow and i'll get to start over.

One day i''ll remember my senior year.
Looking back on something few people who walked these halls could understand.
I'll remember my first car.
My first kiss.
The night drives.
I'll remember it all.
All that made me who I am today,
And the beauty of growing up.