Real Right Now

A week or two ago we had a lesson in laurels that you can have heartbreak and be happy at the same time. I'm not religious, but I had honestly never realized that before. Suddenly all the confusion in my brain got a little clearer.

I have four friends left.

One is my boyfriend, which means I have no idea how long we'll be friends because we all know what happens after you break up. But it doesn't have to be that way. He keeps me sane.

Second. A guy I've considered liking for a while but honestly it's not a good idea. He's good just as a friend anyways. I hope to visit him whenever I'm in town. If he decides to go on a mission I hope to be there for his farewell also.

Third. He is the closest to saint I've ever seen and I can't wait to see where he's going on his mission. He will be the richest out of all of us one day and I refuse to believe anything less.

Fourth. She isn't around too much anymore, but I hope to move to Washington with her in July. Every now and then when I meet up with her I feel the relief of talking to someone who isn't stuck. We're all stuck.

(Silver, if you're reading this don't feel insulted. We've been growing apart for a while now and you know it. We've both changed and it's for the better. I still like talking to you.)

(Pink, you're probably not reading this because we haven't talked in forever, but all I can think to say to you is I'm sorry, and I don't hate you if that's what you think.)

Everyone is talking about college, but also how they don't want to graduate. I say let me out already, but I'm not even going to college next year. I just want to figure out who the fuck I am.

When I started this year I could not imagine graduating. Though slowly but surely it became quite a desire.

I used to say what's the point in a very negative way.

Now I say it because I want a challenge.

I want to stop being pointless.

My grandpa died last week, and I don't know why I didn't tell anyone.

My ex is reading Peter Pan with his new girlfriend.

Joseph is my last play here.

I haven't gone into work in a week in a half. I'm probably gonna get fired.

I'm failing all my classes except two.

My dogs look like Yin and Yang. They're cute.

I want to read more. I want to play the piano more. I want to go to school while I can. I want to love my dad. I want to buy more records. I want to do my fucking laundry. I want to not need to sleep. I want to move to Washington for a year. I want to talk to my sister while she's in Germany. I want to talk to my mom while I'm in Washington. I don't want to be one of those people still in their hometown a year after they've graduated. I don't want to be one of those people still in their hometown three years after they've graduated. I want a job. I don't want a job I hate. I don't want to go to stage crew after the play is over. I want money. I don't want to be greedy. I want to go to Disneyland by myself for my senior trip.

I'm sitting here watching my cousins play Smash Bros. on our Wii U. I want to play, but I love to write. I should probably be sleeping soon because I need to get up in the morning for attendance school, because I need a lot of sleep to actually get up in the morning.

My dad is packing to leave for work. Just like he always has since I was born. I need gas, but I don't have any money.

My ex visited two days ago and it felt like old times. It could never be old times.

My mind has been muddled, but I'm so ready to wake up.

I went to my middle school last week. It was small and everyone was really short. My best friend kept telling me about all his good times there. I did not have to good of a time there myself. Lots of lessons though. I'm grateful for it.

I've been writing what's on my mind for too long now.

Peace.

Chopped Peanuts

It all started with some chopped peanuts.
No.
No it didn't.
It started a long time ago.
Before I could ever possibly realize.
Then after one crush and three relationships...
Well,
Here we are.
And we are eagles.
We are flying,
Living,
Breathing.
I don't understand it all quite yet,
But I do know one thing.
I'm happy. 
So fuck it all.
Let's put our middle fingers up and own the whole damn sky.
Because we can,
But only for two months,
So let's try and make the best of it.

P.S. You make me feel like Margo Roth Spiegelman.

Background 00's Music Into A One Man Show

You were written in the background.
But you were the only real things on stage.
Straight to the point just like always.
The stage is a mess.
The words are whispered.
The eyebrows raised.
We're all just too scared to acknowledge it.
But you,
You are as transparent as the ocean on a clear day.
If there's a fish swimming to the surface you can see it.
But the ocean floors are dusty.
You have to wade into the water to feel.
You have to dive into the depths,
And it's so beautiful,
I don't know why people don't do it often.
I'm scared of water,
But I'm ready to have my eyes opened.
So let me toss this ocean shit,
And be clear myself.
I like you.
With you it's real.
I didn't like you at first,
Because even you can't deny,
You're rough to get used to.
But I always knew there was something more,
And now I'm finally seeing it.
You're my best friend.
I wouldn't have it any other way.
So with this low key salute,
I thank you.
It's a real great time around you,
And I don't know how you feel,
But I'm finally not worried about it.
So again,
Thank you,
I like smiling into your solid eyes.

Unfinished, Like Everything But Dessert.

I dance while nobody is watching.
Maybe it's because people tell me my body is all wrong,
But I know my soul's all right.
I keep it hidden a lot,
Though I know I can do better than what the world tells me I'm meant to be.
If I come home and I'm the only one there,
I sing at the top of my lungs,
Dancing with my socks sliding on the tile,
And I make myself some damn lunch.
Though most the time it's dessert.
Frosting,
Potato chips,
I'll work out tomorrow.
You see once upon a time,
I thought God didn't like the look of my face.
Head down in the halls,
Headphones on,
Making sure those "too nice" of people wouldn't call me out.
I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel,
Because I wasn't looking.

She

She played the piano.
Played it so beautifully,
And loved it.
Everyone couldn't help but stare,
And feel the music.
She told a story through her fingers.
But it was not her story,
Her story was filled with tears when no one was staring.
Her story was filled with cuts into her being,
Because she didn't know who she was.
Silently she suffered,
While everyone just wanted a piece of her music.
But her notes were breaking,
Breaking,
Breaking so slowly,
But effective none the less.
She couldn't hear the notes anymore.
She was always in outer space or underwater.
Her music was the ground she couldn't stand on anymore.
But she played the piano.

She smelled like cigarettes.
She smelled like coffee.
She smelled bitter and sweet,
And was a mess but neat.
Broken on the inside,
But pretty for everyone to see.
Every morning less sleep.
Falling harder than falling deep.
Running forever,
Running to better,
Herself.
From what?
I do not know.
Only she will ever know.
I don't mean her mind.
I mean her fingers.
The ones she put in a casket long ago.
Her soul. 
Buried deep beneath everything she is now.
Buried beneath her smell.

Inception

Look.

Life is hard.

Everyone around you in relationships,

When you're going through a break up...still.

Finally saying "I love you" to your mom,

And only hearing "okay" back. 

It's easy to feel alone. 

Easier for your mind to tell you how useless you are. 

And you're always changing,

So what if you become all the side effects of who you wanted to be?

It's hard to explain how hollow I feel. 

How I care but I don't.

How scared I am.

Today I had a conversation.

And great friends turned into awkward small talk.

We eventually grew used to each other again,

But we got a glimpse of what things will be like a year from now. 

Do grown ups still get scared of the dark?

Is it okay if I don't grow up?

Should I even give a shit in the first place?

I feel like I'm in Inception and can't tell what's fake or not.

P.R.O.M.

What to do when you don't have a date to prom, but everyone is talking to you about their dresses. 

1. Whenever you run into your friends who are in relationships pull out your phone or book.

2. Go to the store an find all the chick flicks and chocolate you can.

(Ice cream is also acceptable)

3. Stay at home avoiding any social interaction with females. Prom will come up if you risk it. 

4. Wear your prom dress while you eat chocolate and ice cream and don't give a shit about spilling. 

5. Get over it. 

P. R. O. M.

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