You.

I think way too much about the type of guy I'd like to be with.
Especially after you.

I think of all the things you did.
Along with everything I feel I deserve.
And nothing about it fits.
Though somehow I find myself looking back.
No matter all the logic in my head that screams it can't be,
I want you back.

I want your failure to communicate.
I want the lies you say to make me happy.
I want your horrible jokes that somehow still make me laugh.
I want your arms that held me and fit me like a glove.
I want your eyes that always knew what was happening behind my fake smile.
I want your smile that is aways there, no matter the emotion of the situation.

You took a part of me with you when you said your goodbyes.
And I think there's a reason I haven't gotten it back yet.
Call me crazy.
Repeat your logic to me over and over of how things wouldn't work out.
All the reasons we had to part.
But this is the field where logic is thrown out the window.
You never need a reason to fall in love.
It just happens.

You told me you miss me.
You told me you weren't over me.
So why are we in this awkward friendship?
It may be a stupid idea,
But at least we'll know what would happen.
You are one "what if" I do not want to look back on.

Love. The Great Unknown.

We may have never fallen in love, but all of us know what it is.

As babies we need to be loved. We need to be nurtured and watched at all times. We need our parents smile every time we look at them. Because at that point when we can't speak. Can't walk. Can't even eat by ourselves. The one thing we know is love.


For those who have fallen in love. I have a question.

Did you fall out of it? Or are you still stuck while the other person did?

I personally think that if its true love you'll never fall out of it. But can it be true love if the other person doesn't feel the same?

I thought I fell in love. I still believe I have. Though suspicion creeps in my thoughts and makes me think I'm just crazy instead.


I love the story from the Greeks that says in the beginning of time we were all once two humans combined. But the gods were jealous of our true love and complete bodies so they separated us. Leaving us doomed to search for our other half our whole lives.


Love to me is the most important thing in this world. Because in the end don't we all just want someone that completely understands us? Someone who will stand by you no matter what. Someone who makes you feel like everything will be okay as long as they are by your side.


We all may know love, but we'll never understand it. 

Love is that person in the hall with the familiar face but the name escapes you. Love sits in the back of the room. Sometimes not noticed, but always there. Love cries in the corner as well all try looking for it. Why is love crying? Because it's misunderstood. Unknown. We all may find someone to love one day. But love itself will always be alone.

One Love - Marianas Trench

Who am I?

What have I learned from school?

My life is an equation with a miss written number. 

I've been told I need to find myself before this year ends. If I don't i'll be torn apart by everyone who does.  But my x doesn't have a solution. Who I am doesn't exist. 

Now i'll admit for a while I just waited for the answer to find me. I didn't think I'd have to search with my heart and mind on a silver platter for all to see. But even then it wasn't worth the pain because I still am so lost. 

The world is a labyrinth. And I don't know if I have the guts to face it. Let alone make it.

I'm Not Human. I'm Real.

What is being human?

Human - sympathetic; humane

Humane - characterized by tenderness, compassion, and sympathy, for people and animals, especially for the suffering or distressed.



Happiness,
Friends,
Family,
Love,
Money.

(Parents)
"Honey, dinner is ready."

...*click*....*swipe*...

"Honey?"

"Yeah?" ....*tap*....

"The food is hot. Please come eat, the kids want to tell you about their first day of school. They haven't seen you all day."

"Oh"....*click*...."Yeah".....*swipe*...."Sure"....*tap*....

-  -  -

(Parents)

"So Jessie has dad's and donuts this Thursday. I know she'd be really happy if you could make it."

"Thursday? Sorry I have to work. She can find a friend to sit with."

"You know she's not good at that dear. She doesn't have any friends."

"What happened to Suzy?"

"They got in a fight. Their family is very mad at us. Don't you remember?"

"Huh. You may have mentioned it. But anyways I need to work that day. You know we need the money."

-  -  -

(Friend and I) 

Friend: "How is he doing in college?"

Me: "Good, though I'm worried about him."

"Why?"

"He started smoking because all his friends do. He always talked about not liking his brother for doing that." 

"Wow. He has changed. He should wait until it's legal for him."

"Yeah. He has such big plans for his life. Actually doing things he loves. But this could completely ruin everything. If he got caught or escalates... I hope nothing bad happens."

-  -  -

(Parents and I)

"What is with your grades? You couldn't even get into UVU with these."

"I'm sorry I've been having a really hard time with school. I'm working on it."

"We don't care. It's so simple. All you have to do is go to school and turn in the work."

"It's not that easy. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings anymore. I'm having a lot of problems with my friends, and there's a lot on my shoulders right now."

"Just shape up and get the work in. All you have to do is stop being lazy." 

-  -  -

I don't want to go into the "real world."

I don't want to be human. 

The human race changed sympathetic to just plain pathetic.

War. Government. Careers. Families. Self Esteem.

The world is broken. 

What happened to being real?

Alive?

Empathy is on the brink of extinction. 

It's all our fault. 

We've made life a competition. And the only prize is a wasted life. 

We're stuck in daily routines. And the only thing that matters is money. 

What have we done to this world?




Crazy - Simple Plan

Life. Is. Hard.

I think of myself as a piano.
As I grow up I attempt to tune each key to find my own melody.
But who knows how to tune a damn piano?
And if it sounds nice to you who cares what others hear?
You've written the music.
Studied it.
You know you're playing it perfectly.
They may try and lock you down to the simple notes.
But guess what my friend.
No one can put a lock on your imagination.
It's easy to feel trapped in this society when everyone feels the same.
Being expected to follow.
The pressure is unbearable.


But while I work my way out of the world I'd like to state something here.
Something that will not be locked down where my imagination runs wild.

My name is Jessie Lyric Phoenix. I love school. I'm not Mormon. I will not be going to college next year. I am smart and could get in if I wanted though. There's nothing wrong with taking a break. I don't believe in any religion. Nor do I believe in science. I do what I want no matter what "rules" stand in my way. I'm bisexual. I love the rain and dream of places I've never been.

I am a piano. And I'm composing my heartbeat. It's unlike anything you have ever heard. And no matter what you say. I. Love. It.

You're So #different

I thought I had a type,
But then I saw you.

Once I swore I would never like, nor date, anyone younger then me.
I made a quiet list in my head of the perfect guy,
And trust me I found my share of almost perfect.
Then you walked in.
Eyes changing color,
Smile of a joker,
and a heart.
Much bigger then anyones I had ever met.
You still can barely even sarcastically make fun of me,
While I throw you left and right with the corners of my smile.
Please, Forgive me if I step on your feet,
Because this dance is foreign to me.

Looking at you I just know this is going to hurt if it ever starts,
Let alone when it ends.
But honestly I don't care.
No matter what,
You are worth the risk. 

Do I Even Want My Crayons Back?

If you had the chance to be a kid again would you?
To start completely from scratch?

I wouldn't.
My childhood was filled with crying and the word no.
Being the youngest you automatically get made fun of.
Constantly.
My crayons were broken from the beginning.
I was very shy,
And the friends I did have didn't give a shit about me.

If your childhood was bad do you like where you are now?
Or do you dream of the future instead?
I couldn't say I like where I am,
Nor do I wish for the future.
Maybe when I'm happy.
Though that feeling is becoming rare again.
I feel like it's just behind a locked door,
But I buried the key long ago.

Honestly,
I don't want my past,
I don't like now,
And the future sickens me.

What do I dream of?
Easy,
Nothing.