Something New

Today I cried.

Though it wasn't like the past four nights of crying.

It was something different.

If was something near to a happiness of crying. I'm not sure because it is a feeling I have never described. Though I know for the first time today when I was beginning to break down, my mom was there for me. She helped me with my emotions and didn't make things worse.

She saw I was stressed and helped me out with things, and surprised me with these flannel pajamas I said I wanted, but was a memory long lost in my brain.

For one of the first times I can say I love you to my mom and really truly mean it.

It makes me wonder if I'm just realizing her more these days, or if it's the same but opposite due to recent knowledge of me finally kicking in.

I know it's crazy to even think we should be able to connect on any level. Though slowly, but surely it seems to be happening. I hope one day I could have a comfortable conversation with her. Eventually growing to me being okay with inviting her to my wedding and my kids calling her grandma.

I know this may make me sound like a terrible kid who never appreciates her parents, but you don't know my life and the emotional roller coaster it's been and how the only people I've been able to share that with is my friends and sometimes not even them, because life is a bitch.

Though as I say again, things are evolving. I'm scared about it, but I like what I see so far, and hope it keeps on happening with everyone around me.

My life is me on roller coaster in pitch black. I don't know where I'm going, but the tracks are there, and they're taking me to the light.