Realize

Fact: Most parents suck at dealing with their children.

Yes, there are those few people that you know that have awesome parents. Though others tend to, lets say, crush their kids dreams. That's putting that nicely. It may be easy for parents to shove shit in their kid’s faces, because that what kids do in the first place. They push away and make parents feel like they mean nothing, but honestly deep, deep down inside - at least for me - I really do what my parents to be proud of me and accept who I am and who I want to be. 

See something really important to me is moving out when I'm 18. I'm a dreamer (as I have stated), and honestly this is how I would want my life to be as of turning 19:

First off I'd be living alone for a year by then. That may sound sad, but I want it at least for a few years. Also I wouldn't be completely alone. I'd have a dog if I had the money, even if it meant me eating ramen for every meal, and only eating one meal a day. That's love. Just in case you were wondering. I would have as many bookshelves as I possibly could on my walls in my tiny little run-down home. Except one little corner that would be decked out with all comfy fluff possible. I'd have a job. I'd be in school in good ol rainy Seattle, and yes it wouldn't be perfect, I'd have the stress, the depression, the thoughts that can never cease. Though for once in me life things would be my way. My rules. No one telling me who to be. Give me a one-room place where my food comes from a microwave on a floor and a bass station across the street. Give me spiders in my walls, and mice chewing holes in the moldy walls.  I don't care. Just along with it please grant my one wish. My life to be my own. I'll be in the armpit of the city sure, why not? It only makes me be able to climb higher, because guess what, no matter what people say, I will prove them wrong, I can be anything I want to be, and I will prevail, and all the people in this world who doubt me will realize that they put their money on the wrong horse. 

Sure you still got something out of it because you stuck with the person that was successful, and happy. Regular lifestyle. 

But me? I'm one of those that can't stand the regular lifestyle. My mind dreams too big for that. Yes, that can't hurt me, but it can also make me stronger then the other guy whose merely trying to get something because it could be useful, or provide for them. 

I want to start and end every year I live in different places. Why? because I'm insane. I want to see the world and get that feeling that you get when you look on a situation that you're in and know that you're in the right place because you feel like you're on top of the world. That you would take a bullet for everyone around you and would not hesitate to say that they all would for you. It's a point where you really feel that true happiness, and understand that this is where you want to be, and this is what you want to strive for, because no matter how much the scenery changes, you will always have your memories and your feelings. So screw the status quo. Go through life making memories you want to remember. Surround yourself with the things that always make you happy, because in the end those are the things you remember the most. Do what you want in the moment and forget about the past if you made the wrong choice. Try your best and move on, because life doesn't give you the choice of going back. Deal with it. Act on what you know, and strive to know more. Otherwise your life is being wasted. 

Go sow that on a pillow so you can look at it everyday and wish, or grab a pen and write it as fast as you can on your arm and live it.

I Am Real

I am real,
When I cry in the corner it's because I feel.
Though it's not always sad, and its not always right,
It's what helps me put the scissors down and go to bed at night.

I'll make mistakes, I'll change my ways,
I'll be drowning in sorrow, I'll be livid for days.
Like a mirror I can shatter, like a building I'll collapse,
But I'll try to build even higher, before I relapse.

Life is a stage so write you're own play,
Shape it, mold it, restart, you got enough clay.
If you want to be remembered, step up and believe,
Fight until you die, and you will achieve.

But always remember your heart and yourself,
Never forget the people who helped,
Because when you lay down to look inside and heal,
You'll always want to truthfully say, "I am real."

Stars Are Gone

The clouds are covering the stars tonight.

I can't see them shine.

Are they there?

It's too hard to believe that they're there.

Lost

Now I know why I wanted to act on my friends offer today.

I want to forget.

I can't hold this life anymore.

You wanna know what I see?

Or to be more exact, what I  don't see.

I don't see myself waking up in the morning tomorrow.

I don't see myself welcoming another year of Hell.

I don't see myself getting out of this school year.

I don't see my dreams coming true next year.

Above all.

I don't see myself living past eighteen.

That goes along with the word impossible.

I've said not to be worried, but I feel like that was more for myself than anyone else.

I'm scared, I'm hurt, I'm worried, I'm a wall, I'm two different people, I'm confused, I'm never going to get out of this. I'm not gonna fall in love with falling. I'm a suicidal head case. I'm only an addict with a pen. I'm the lowest I've been in the longest time.

I'm worthless.

To the Jackasses

You look down on me,
We both know it is true,
But you are blind to see,
It makes me not young, but you.

You think you know it all,
More than I ever will,
But I'll get to my ball,
And your world will become still.

You cross the lines you see as worthless,
Oblivious to the scene,
You threaten with no purpose,
Because you a bully, an ass, a fiend.

Sure you have the power now,
But you'll only make me strong,
I will stand and you'll whisper "how?"
And realize you were wrong.

Ghost

Invisibly,
I walk these halls,
Nobody seems to see me.
I thought myself beautiful,
Thought I could change the world,
But it's hard when nobody believes in me.

A ghost,
A demon,
That's all I'll ever become.
Fake noticing,
Fake caring,
It's not real with anyone.

Days to weeks,
Weeks to years,
I try, but it will not change.
My fate is set,
Nothing more to do,
Not ment to see my next stage.

No life,
No more,
If I can pull it off.
If not?
No words,
No friends, just stop.

If I can not kill my life today,
The solution is merely to push it away.

Fix

I'm to the point where the only way I can be who I want to be someone needs to open me up and fix the gears that keep me running.

What can you do when it's not your fault and it's just a malfunction and the repair shop is out of what you need.

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can sit there and wait as slowly, that one malfunction tears your insides into dust.

Though it doesn't end there.

Spiders crawl inside you and make a little home for themselves.

At least you're good for something.

Finally.


You'll sit in that chair maybe for forever, because guess what.

No one notices you're gone.

No one cares.

You were just too old and broken.

Everyday you went out into life believing, knowing, that things were going to get better. Though it's turns out that it was all a lie. Because you were a dreamer. You were too much of a dreamer. You never realized that people die before they become happy. Others were happy, but stayed alive to long so their lives got messed up all over again.

So please give me the answer to this question:

Where do you draw the line?

Honestly why not kill yourself when you're happy. When life gives you a little mercy.

You know it's gonna get bad again, so end it happy.

Because you will never get out of this.

You are simply doomed to the depths of Hell. Oh, you can try to crawl out. Try, until all your nails fall and break off. To the point where your hands show more inside then out. You can't go on. No matter what you try you won't get out and it will only cause more blood to drip to the ground fertilizing your soon to be grave.

All because you weren't good enough.

You couldn't do anything because you needed to be fixed.

Broken you are, and broken you will stay.